006

I hate food. absolutely hate it.

005

well friends, as you can see i survived thanksgiving. its already december. where did the time go? The rest of this year is flying past me, while i just stand here. waiting. the past two weeks i have been on the fruit and vegetable diet with ONE unhealthy snack a week (just for fun) its been working quite well actually. i usually eat a fruit with pb for breakfast, cold vegetables or fruit for lunch and a salad with whatever I'm feeling that day on top. I have been pretty down lately. I am moving back to my hometown after this semester is over and I just know its not going to end well, for me. I couldn't even keep it together for the 5 days that I was there over thanksgiving break. speaking of break, it was horrid, but i survived. I kept track of how many times I cried over those 4 days... FOURTEEN TIMES. how is that even possible. the girl that doesn't cry did enough crying in 5 days to last her at least 10 more years. ha.. thats pathetic. i am pathetic. I am supposed to be packing my apartment up over the next few weeks, but i just can't bring myself to do it. i can't imagine myself back home. i know i have to go but i just know that its going to end very, very badly. my father is psychotic and he wants me to be unhappy.. actually, he just wants to control my life. yes, i know i sound like a typical girl with "daddy" issues. but its honestly so much more than that. i know i pretty much ranted this entire post about absolutely nothing worth reading. its weird, you know. i do a better job at somewhat explaining my thoughts to people i have never and probably will never meet, but when it comes to people that actually know me, i can't do it. or when it comes to my parents, i can do nothing except cry..

004

So I go home today. I successfully fasted yesterday and now today I'm going to eat 1/2 an apple after I work out and the other half before I go to the airport. I don't know if i can do this. thanksgiving is going to be SUCH a hassle. how am I supposed to explain oh I don't eat bread.. or deserts... dressings, rice, blah blah blah. I have a whole goddamn list of things I can't eat. okay enough ranting. I just feel so stuck. there are reasons I moved away from home. I don't want to go back there. that place made me sick. literally. sigh. I will continue this rant later. my roommate just got in.

003

I slept and did work all weekend. except Saturday night my roommate and I just got really drunk just because and damn. I was drunk. I drunkly ate a lot of fruit (thankfully) and peanut butter. ha. I leave on Wednesday and I'm pretty much planning on fasting until then. so the day fast has commenced. on another note I am working out at 8am tomorrow. I have so much work to do this week it's just annoying. and stressful. and going home is freaking me out.

002

everyday I over think my going home for thanksgiving. I already know what everyone is going to say. & i don't want to deal with that. my mother already gave me the lecture when she came down last month. and I haven't seen my dad since July. And I've lost well over 10lbs since then. I'm just scared he's going to send me back to to in patient. or make me come home from school next semester. I mean I'm no where near as thin as I was back in those days but I'm certainly on my way. the mindset is here. but losing takes time. ahhhh sksibsk annoyed. I'm going to work out for a few hours.

001

it's been awhile since i have written. but I'm back. the past week I've done a lot of soul searching. a lot of fasting, working out, and two days of self indulgence. regardless i am waking up at 7 to workout tomorrow, call me crazy. i need to get in as much exercise as i can. so much fat it makes me sick. I'm going home next wednesday. I'm very, very scared. i really don't want to go. even though its only 4 days i don't want to see my family. i don't want to deal with them. i don't want them to ask me things. i don't want them to make me eat. i just want to be left alone. pretty much every day the last week i have been going to the library, into this quiet little corner and staying there for hours. listening to music, studying, reading, getting on tumblr. its just wonderful to be there in my own little world

i didn't even realized that 5 days have passed since i last wrote. goodness, this past weekend was shit. i ate everything. well, friday i only ate rice. saturday i went to a wedding and completely lost all self control... well, what little self control i did have. sunday i went to dinner with my friends. we went to a mexican restaurant and i ate 1/4 of my chicken enchilada before claiming to be 'beyond full' but that night we went out, and got drunk (of course) and i accidentally told my friend about my lack of eating. well not accidentally, it just came out. haha word vomit. but she lives back home. and she is coming down this weekend to visit. and now i know she is going to be on my back to eat this whole weekend. gross. today I've had a luna bar and some soup. I'm going to the gym after i finish this post. i have been so depressed all day. i just feel like such a failure. not just about food, i feel like I'm failing at my life. i am just so unhappy with myself i can hardly stand it.

01

the past two days have been good, surprisingly. two good days in a row doesn't usually happen to me. i went grocery shopping monday and it wasn't as hard as normal. since my roommate was with me, she kind of knows i get.. antsy at the grocery. so she doesn't rush me or comment on things i get (or don't get) its nice that way. but I'm getting up early as shit tomorrow to study for about 4 hours before class. i have been focusing a lot on going to school and going to the gym. i spent 2 hours studying on the elliptical today 3 yesterday. both of those things really take my mind off eating. bout today i ate an apple for breakfast, chicken and corn for dinner. not too bad. i still haven't gotten on my scale. i am just waiting it out. i need to get on it. soon, but not yet. i don't know. i just know I'm going to be so unhappy with what i see. but at the same time, part of me is hoping it will be surprisingly low. its kind of up in the air.

0

uhhhh i hate that i don't post everyday. I'm seriously going to work on it. but this weekend was great. friday i stayed under 400c and saturday i had an apple and some pretzels in the morning. and then saturday night i went out, and got drunk super fast from not really eating the past few days. i had a great night out and a lot of people told me i looked thin and pretty. it was encouraging. but this morning when i woke up i heard my roommate and her boy toy talking about me (awkward) he asked her why there was a sticky note on the fridge that said 'you don't want it' and she told him that I'm obsessed with losing weight. yes, i put a sticky note on our fridge and one inside the pantry, just as some inspiration not to eat anything.. ha ha. but i really do not appreciate her telling him that. mainly because he asked me a few weeks ago why i didn't like myself. my reply: a lot of reasons. oh whatever, it could always be worse. i have such a long day tomorrow its unreal. oh! i totally forgot, saturday night my costume was low around the waist so you could see the scars on my hips. i mean i usually don't care when people see my scars but some of them were new-ish so it was just kind of weird having my friends look at me, look at my scars, look back at me... you get the point. the funny thing though, they all stared, but no one said anything. i mean hey, the less questions, the better

i haven't stood on my scale but i feel lighter. my collar/hip bones are showing a bit more and my tummy is flatter. i know I'm losing, i just don't know how much. not enough of course. never enough. we're going grocery shopping tomorrow (fuck) because we literally have no food. i like it like this but i have to be mindful i live with two other girls that have a normal relationship with food. ha. i need to make a list before i go to sleep tonight. fruit and vegetables only. i swear i could stay up all night looking at healthy recipes, food thats help you lose weight, blah blah blah shit like that. i know you all like to do the same thing. its addicting. sigh i need to get my life together and finish getting ready for tomorrow.
until then xx

thursday

fasted all day. tons of coffee though. I had classes in the morning and after I got home I literally slept until 10. it was a lovely, peaceful sleep. when I woke up I went to the gym, came home and showered and now I'm back in bed. my productive morning turned into to a lazy night. it was nice though so I can't complain. tomorrow is going to be a very, very long day. this weekend is going to be long. it's Halloween weekend so my friends and I are going out friday (after i work) and Saturday and Sunday i have a dinner to go to. I want to get out of that though. I don't feel like dealing with all of that anxiety. and stress. I'm already stressed out enough.



I have come to this conclusion that my self hatred and anxiety is debilitating. every time I do something there is this voice in my head telling me how awful I look or how wrong and unintelligent I am. first, in class today my professor asked me a question and when everyone turned to look at me I could not function. I stumbled over my words and just sounded absolutely ridiculous. and the thing is, I never used to be like that. I have always hated public speaking but I used to be pretty damn good at it. now, I can barely get a sentence out. part of it, I know I just need to relax but it's so hard. I feel as if I'm constantly on the verge of tears. that.. or about ready to kill myself.

tuesday night fades to wednesday morning

today has been pretty good. went to both of my classes and now I'm out looking for a Halloween costume. except I'm waiting for my friend right now, hence why I'm posting. I've had 1/2 a Luna bar today. im going to the gym later and I'm not sure if I'll eat again today.


that was the first half of my post from earlier today. but I had a lettuce wrap for dinner. and 2 hours in the gym. I feel a bit tighter today. especially in my stomach area. I also went tanning today. I got burnt a little bit but I still had fun. tanning always makes me happy. I have so much work to accomplish over the next few days I don't really know where to begin. it's like there is so much stress and confusion inside my head but you would never be able to tell from the outside. I swear I post about this all the time but I just wonder how I keep it together all the time. regardless its 2am and I have to wake up at 7. run errands and go to the gym before 1 o'clock when I have class. after class all afternoon I'm meeting my friend downtown and after that my roommate and I are working out together. and somewhere between all that I have to fit in an essay, a research project, and not to mention my regular nightly homework. pretty much will be running on coffee tomorrow. I love college, I really do. but sometimes it's just so tiring

monday

i haven't been written in awhile, I've been occupied with other things. this weekend was long and crazy. and i don't really feel like going into detail. saturday night though i got drunk and tried to drink a beer and ended up throwing up for almost 2 hours.. (i hate beer and have never been able to drink it) but i mean at least all that alcohol and food i had eaten that day is gone. but i will never attempt to drink beer again.

on another note, I'm kind of sick. my throat hurts and I'm beyond tired. but I'm pretty much always beyond tired. I'm using the 'my throat hurts' excuse to get out of eating today. that is always the only good thing about being sick, the lack of eating. i should start getting ready for class even though i honestly don't want to go. *sigh*

I'm sorry i have been sucking at writing lately. i will get it together soon.

snippet

up and at it again today. I'm relatively shocked at myself for getting up early again. i seem to have been in a sleeping coma for the past week or so. i want to weigh myself so bad its almost making me crazy. but i need to resist until friday. i know I'm going to hate what i see, i always do. but i want to get out of the habit of weighing myself 3-4 times a day.. I didn't eat until dinner time. i had rice with corn mushrooms & broccoli. and the gym of course. I'm so tired I can barely type. I saw the guy today I have been talking to recently. I don't know what to make of him. I have a lot to tell about but it will have to wait until tomorrow. good night lovelys

irrelevance

i was up early again this morning, but for class this time. yesterday i didn't eat until dinner. we ended up having chicken and corn instead of salad. we're having that tonight. its taken me all day to eat this Luna bar.. I started eating it this morning, sat it on my desk in class, debating on whether or not to take a bite. girl who always stares at me that i posted about before watched me the whole time. of course, i decided against eating it. i just didn't feel like being stared at.. so i waited until i got home to eat the rest. my friend told me she wanted to be "tiny like me" i couldn't help but laugh, out loud at her. probably not the best idea, but it was just the funniest thing I've heard all day. Tiny.. what i wouldn't give to be that.

i feel like when i write i just go off onto random tangents.. regardless i started thinking about my food journal and about the rules that i have for myself.
-no more than 500c a day
-no eating past 11pm
-no sugar in coffee
-no cookies, candy, chocolate, cakes, fried food, or fast food
-no more than 2 cups of rice a week
-no bread
-no pasta

i could go on and on and on. when did my life become so dictated by food.. i swear sometimes i become so obsessed with food and calories and my weight its scary. sometimes i can't even control myself.

monday morning

its monday morning and i don't have class until one.. but i am up. i drove my friend to campus this morning so i might as well stay up for the rest of the day. just drinking my morning coffee, typing away on this keyboard.. I'm surprisingly not as tired as i usually am. I'm going to do some cardio and abs then shower and study till i have to go to class. i don't even want to stand on my scale. so i won't. not until i feel like i should. which won't be at all today. i don't want to depress myself more by knowing how fat i actually am.
i think I'm going to eat some grapes for breakfast after i shower and then not eat again until dinner. We're having salads for dinner tonight. Every night of the week we (my roommates and i) have dinner together. something healthy of course. i think my self hatred is beginning to rub off on them. i know that when I'm in the kitchen i talk aloud (to myself) telling myself i shouldn't eat this or i can't have that or my thighs will become massive if i eat whatever it is I'm not eating. and now, my roommates want to go to the gym with my everyday, and they keep calling themselves fat and blah blah blah blah. i know they just want to lose weight but i have to lose weight. its the only way. i just feel bad though, i never meant for them to start emulating me. I'm going to have to be more careful about what i say out loud. ill just have to keep more inside, how joyous. another anchor to slowly drown me. don't get me wrong, i love having someone come to the gym with me but i don like hearing my roommates turn into those girls that repeatedly comment how fat they are, and how they need to diet. i at least contain myself to the kitchen, and my own mind.

weekend

this weekend was long. and tiring. all day friday i stayed in my apartment. i didn't feel like dealing with anyone or doing anything. the only time i left was to go to the gym. i don't know. i have just been so down lately. and i really hate it. saturday i wanted to sleep all day but my roommate forced me to go out with her. she keeps complaining that i am spending too much time in the house. I'm sorry that every time i leave my apartment, all i can do is be paranoid about how i look and hate myself. but reluctantly i went out with her. we went to our friends apartment. as soon as we got there i got started drinking. one drink turned into two. two turned into some shots and next thing i know I'm drunk. at least i wasn't feeling shy anymore. hah.. and that guy that i have been posting about was there. he came to my apartment later in the night to talk and what not. apparently he has been having panic attacks.. and i told him how i have them and about how i used to take medicine for it. i don't know, i think this guy is almost like the less fucked up guy version on me. i don't know i still am iffy about him. but anyway, saturday was good. I'm glad i went out. i used to go out so much and actually be social but its just so hard these days. i haven't really been eating this weekend. just fruit, peanut butter, things like that. except today i ordered food with my roommates because they wanted to have a movie day. so i did... and i ate it all.. i felt so guilty. i have been cutting more recently. I've just been feeling so awful and guilty.. and every time i eat something i shouldn't.. thats one. mostly on my hips. i can't do too much damage on my arms without causing attention. i don't know why i even started this again. its been so long. this is how i know I'm fucked up. because when i used to cut myself.. i was really fucked up. sometimes i do scare myself. and then other times i feel like I'm just complaining too much. i just want to sleep for a very, very long time. and when i finally wake up, everything is better.

i hate myself for being so weak. weak and fat.

temporary lapse of judgement

last night i had a temporary lapse of judgement and i told one of my guy friends about my issues with food. the funny thing is.. he didn't really care. he was more concerned with my not cutting myself than anything else. probably because I'm too fat to even look like i have a problem. I was slightly upset because i almost thought he was going to be the one to shake my by my shoulders and tell me that I'm worth it and i don't have to starve myself to see that. but no, so here i am. still waiting for the day someone will actually care about me. i hate this. i really do. not eating today, i can't go into the kitchen without being disgusted by all the food we have. today is definitely a coffee kind of day. regardless, my stomach is starting to thin out again. i can see my ribs when i lift my shirt up. hip bones when i pull my pants down. bones are a marker that you're beginning to win the race, but I've only begun.

five days

the past 5 days have been out of control crazy. i hung out with my mom everyday and got water every night. i was a mess, hence why i haven't written in so long. my mother took me grocery shopping.. it was hard but i just sucked it up and did it. her and her friend kept talking about me as we walked up and down every isle and i passed all the foods i used to eat. my mom kept asking me to get stuff and I'm just like no.. i don't really eat that. she kept telling me how thin i am and how I'm turning into 'nothing' hahah what a beautiful thing to be, nothing. i couldnt help but laugh to myself.. I'm everything but thin. I'm massive. i ate a lot while she was here. every time she wanted to go out for lunch or cook me dinner i nodded my head and ate what was on my plate. i am however, feeling the results of that. I've had a stomach ache for two days from eating food my body hasn't processed in months. its okay though, it will go away. going to the gym after i write this. I'm ready to get back on track. luna bar for breakfast today... and tuna with salt & pepper for lunch. were having tilapia, corn, and roasted potatoes for dinner tonight. sigh. oh the boy that I've been referring to in posts past, we hung out everyday over my break. i don't know what that means, but he is really sweet, kind of. i haven't stood on my scale in forever... i know I'm going to dread what i see. but i going to stand on it tomorrow. i have goals to accomplish.

day one

my mother came to my job. I'm not going to lie, it is really nice to see her. i fucking miss that woman. i am trying very hard to stay 100% positive and be as nice to her as i can. she wants to take me shopping and can i just say i am not ready for that. i can't try on clothes i just can't do that. I'm not ready yet. she made me have dinner with her and i ate a salad with broccoli, ate it all and she goes 'wow thats the most I've seen you eat in months' ...thanks mom. i don't know, its like she knows but she just doesn't say anything. I'm going to go to the gym after i write this and work out till i feel like passing out. my mom thinks i am at school getting tutored. i am such a bitch sometimes but i feel like if i told my mom that she couldn't come over yet because i wanted to work out she would probably get mad. i don't know.
i don't know has become my answer for everything. goodness. I'm not eating today unless my mom tries to take me somewhere. I'm going to stand on my scale before i go so ill post about that nonsense later.
xx

good, bad, and in between

officially on my fall break! which means a week off classes. which means my mother will be arriving soon. which means welcome back mentally unstable me. speaking of unstable i almost had a panic attack in my second class today. it was terrible i couldn't speak or do anything except turn really red and shake. it would have been embarrassing but no one was paying attention to me, except my professor. he was just giving me this look like "i feel sorry for whatever is bothering you" he is always giving me those looks. and asking me if I'm alright.. whats bothering me... blah blah blah. nothing (everything) is always my answer. but regardless as soon as class was over i came home even though i have one more class i just couldn't stop shaking... so here i am started my fall break early.. I'm excited to not have class because i really do need a break. although i am going to tell my mom i have class tomorrow so she doesn't think she is going to be spending all day with me. I'm happy that i get to see her, but i really don't want to deal with crazy psycho bitch that lives inside her. you see, my mother is very, very angry. and she always takes that out on me. always has, and always will. she takes all of her resentment, frustration, anger, and sadness out on me and i will say that is part of the reason i am so fucked up. the other part would be my fathers doing, but i don't want to get into that.. not yet at least. i haven't eaten yet today. i probably won't eat today. i just don't want to. and since my mother is going to be around she is going to make me eat so.. every chance I'm not with her, I'm going to take that time to not eat and workout.
so today in one of my classes wee had to go up to the board and write things about our bodies that we've learned thorough time. things like being tan, tall, wearing make up shit like that. so many people wrote being thin that it started a conversation about eating disorders, and there i was sitting next to the girl that cuts herself and she looks over at me and gives me the 'i know' look. & let me tell you about girl who cuts herself.. she has scars from her wrist to elbow, in every direction. and ever since she saw my scars one day in class, she has been sitting next to me ever since. she always gives me looks when i come in with long sleeves, assuming I've done some damage to myself in days past. but i don't really cut anymore. i haven't in awhile. but anyway, girl who cuts herself has seen me writing in my food journal in class before. i don't really care that she knows, i mean what is she going to do. but it was just awkward having her give me that i know your secret look in class. i mean.. if you looked at me i don't think you would think i have a problem. i think i play it off pretty damn well.

class ..

it's only 3:45 and I've already cried about 4 times today. I'm just so emotional it's really beginning to annoy me. I'm actually in class right now not paying any attention (clearly) but well what can you do. I've had a banana with peanut butter and a few grapes. doing good. gym after this class and I'm going to do an insanity video. I just want to sleep but I have about 7 hours worth of homework plus a paper to write tonight. I haven't weighed myself today but my roommate told me I looked really skinny today. that's always good! I'm going to wait y til tomorrow to weigh myself. hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised and wake up tomorrow skinny but that's doubtful okay I'm done rambling for now. time to attempt to pay attention

Rant.. and some boy stuff

one of my friends came over yesterday after i got out of class with pizza and candy and movies so we watched.. i ate a piece of pizza to avoid any real questioning. but i felt so bad after that i had to purge. for the first time in months... i hated it, but i felt 100 times better after just knowing that i didn't have that greasy food inside of me. still feeling bad this morning i did two insanity videos and went for a run. i have to work today which is good. i haven't eaten yet, but i already now what I'm going to have. 1/2 of a banana with peanut butter. and I'm going to eat the other half once i get home from work if I'm hungry. i have been so stressed out recently i almost can't stand it. stressed.. depressed. i don't know you. i slept for almost 12 hours last night and didn't go to my class this morning. and the crazy thing is.. I'm still tired. thats what my life has become. don't eat.. work out till you throw up or pass out.. get used to being tired. always fucking tired. i don't know. i just wish i wasn't fat. i wish that i wasn't such a fuck up. i just want to be good enough for once in my life.

and now switching topics completely because i don't want to bore everyone with my sob stories.. again. that boy i posted about earlier came to my house last night, just to hang out. he is very similar to me its kind of crazy. he is kind of crazy. but i like that. and i like him. not like that, just as a new friend. a new friend that i kiss. haha oh well, it happens. i need to shower and start my day, so until then
xx

overview

nearly 5pm and I've eaten a spoonful of peanut butter. i ran 4 miles and did 45 minutes on the elliptical. i feel good. tired.. extremely tired, but thats okay. i drank so much last night i had to work it off. i think my roommate wants to make dinner tonight. chicken with veggies and rice. she knows thats pretty much the only things i eat. she thinks my eating habits are weird but i don't really care. i kissed a boy last night. he was super sweet and cute but we were drunk so I'm not really thinking too much about it. he did text me earlier and we've just been making small talk. here i am talking about a boy.. okay i have people here so i will update more later

saturday

yesterday i ended up eating corn and a potato for lunch and then at work i got a free meal so i got this vegetarian meal which was grilled peppers, mushrooms, tomatoes, and broccoli over brown rice. i added grilled chicken to it and it was really good. but i only ate half of it. I'm going to eat the other half before i go to work today. and then I'm done for the day because I'm going out tonight with my friends and ill be drinking so.. theres all my calories. i really don't want to go out. i just feel so shitty again today but I'm making myself go because i don't want to sit in the house and over think. like always. down 1/2 a pound from yesterday. i don't know how but I'm happy about that. its absolutely beautiful outside today. i just want to sit in a the field outside my window and read a book. do something calming. i don't know. i feel like i always just ramble when i get on here..

my other roommate went shopping today at costco, which is like bulk items. she got some stuff she wants us to split 3 ways but the only thing i told her i was going to eat was chicken and corn. she bought bread, bagel bites, cookies, and all these other fattening snacks. i can't eat that kind of stuff.. i just can't do it.

friday

as soon as i got home from work last night i did some homework then fell right asleep. but i woke up this morning around 7:30 and went to the gym. i was very awake for some reason. and on my way back from the gym i saw one of my friends i used to do sport with (i had to quit in january and only see her every once in awhile even though she is my neighbor) and she told me i looked thinner. it pretty much made my whole day. weighed myself when i got back, down another pound. almost to the 120s. luckily for me i have to work again today so i get a few hours away from constantly thinking about food. even though when i do go to work, i always stare at our menu, just imagining what i would order. hah.. that sounds so funny now that i think about it. i have to leave for school in an hour and i still have to shower and take notes before i go. i am feeling less pessimistic today though, so that is always good.
im not sure what I'm going to eat today, or if I'm going to eat. i want to lose 2-3lbs this weekend. decisions decisions.

xx

frustration

they didn't have fruit when i got to class this morning -_- so i had a bagel (290c) and coffee (5c). since i ate a bagel i definitely can't eat for the rest of the day. i did really well on my exam from last week. too bad i can't do good in math. Ive been feeling so down recently. its like i just can't shake this feeling. no matter how many small pleasures i encounter. i just feel so.. blah. i can't quite put a word on this feeling, but its something. i have class at 1 then I'm done for the day. i don't want to go but i have to. i really just want to go for a run and forget whatever is making me feel like this. but i also have to work, so its going to have to wait until after. i have jeans on today and i can't stop thinking about how disgusting my legs look. i swear I'm getting fatter by the day. i can just feel it. uhhh asfha;siasdifas i don't know. this is a frustrating day.

i met my friend at a restaurant on campus after my classes and i had a bowl of applesauce. she looked at me like i was crazy but i told her i ate earlier and was just snacking. i had chicken and corn for dinner. pretty much one of the only things i eat actually eat anymore. but anyway, i am feeling better from earlier. not all the way better, but better none the less.

now i have something exciting to share. my roommate asked me to bake her more cookies (like i did the other day) so i did and... i only ate one. i am proud of myself for not eating a bunch like i did last time.. i have to work tomorrow friday and saturday so lots of walking and less time for eating. i have to decide what I'm going to (or not going to) eat tomorrow. i am thinking of fruit and coffee for breakfast. but thats all I've decided. i am beyond tired and have to wake up at 7am tomorrow so until then
xx

the longest road to no where

i haven't decided if I'm going to eat today. looking at the scale, i shouldn't. but, i woke up feeling a bit spacey this morning. not that there is any food in my apartment. still haven't gone grocery shopping, I'm seriously avoiding that trip. i have been so moody lately. i just want people to leave me alone, but at the exact same time i want someone to just shake me by the shoulders and tell me that i am doing something right. I'm not as worthless as i feel and that eventually, everything is going to get better. But i don't see that happening anytime soon so.. yeah

only tuesday

woke up late this morning but i still went to my class and took the test. i think i did pretty well, except one question. so hopefully i don't fail. my roommate surprised with me a bagel and coffee when i got back from class. I ate half of the top piece so she didn't think anything. but i threw the rest away when she went to shower. I'm not eating again today. I'm still annoyed with myself about yesterday. i didn't weigh myself today, so that will have to wait until tomorrow. i have an hour workout ahead of me before work. Im excited, but scared because my leg is sore today. i really want to nap, but i know i will not wake up until tomorrow if i do. i have been so tired lately, wanting to rest all the time. my mother is coming to visit in two weeks. i don't want her to come down because i already know what she is going to say. "you look so thin" blah blah blah. little does she know, when she gets here I'm going to eat the whole time she is here. muhahaha. i plan on being a week ahead of my weigh-ins and almost to my 3rd gw. plus, ill be doubling my workouts by then so ill have room to gain up to a pound and a half while she is in town. and that is what i thought of while i was in class yesterday, instead of paying attention. well, its time for my workout until next time.

xx

grocery shopping

i made cookies with my roommate and ate about 5 of them. i feel terrible. absolutely awful. I'm not eating at all tomorrow for being a fat pig. i hate when i fuck up. its so frustrating. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. i need to go to the gym asap. i have an exam tomorrow morning- fuck. and i have work tomorrow night, so that is always a plus. i wish i had self control. i used to. i really did. i don't know what happened to me. i don't want to bore everyone with my sob storers so..

i said i would post my grocery list so here she is
coffee
turkey
chicken
tomatoes
apples
bananas
grapes
lettuce heads
corn
broccoli
peanut butter
mushrooms
cauliflower
honey
mozzarella
garlic
eggplant
pears
pineapple

i don't know. is this what you guys buy? what do 'normal' people buy at the grocery. how do normal people feel at the grocery is a question i want to know the answer to. because i know how i feel when i go grocery shopping, and it cannot be normal.

untitled

monday morning and Im down 2 pounds since my post on thursday. good, but i can do better. all i ate yesterday was corn and a handful of homemade trail mix. today I'm having 1/2 a potato and after i go to all my classes, I'm rewarding myself with a salad from my favorite restaurant near school. i have a gw this week. i think I'm going to make it, but you can never be too confident. thats how you blow it. its always how you blow it. i really need to focus on school this week since i have my fall break coming up. and i have a paper due next week. ew.

i found this wonderful shopping list online on foods to buy if you want to 'slim down' and of course, i added a bunch of those foods on to my own grocery list. when i get home later I'm going to post my grocery list.

ohh.. i measured myself this morning too. thighs are down 1/2 an inch, waist is down 1 inch, bust and hips are same. but hey, i will take it. every inch is progress. until next time
xx

today has been a fucking fail. i am a fucking failure.

thuuuzday

went to all my classes today.. go me. now I'm home making notes to take to work so i can study while I'm there. i failed my math test.. figures. today i have had a bagel and fruit. thats all I'm eating today. i don't have class tomorrow so gym in the morning and then math tutoring. oh yeah, I've gained a pound. mother fuck me. so no eating friday or saturday. its so annoying. doing so well, losing a pound or so a day and then bam. you gain a pound. and that turns into two pounds. so on and so on. whatever. i don't want to think about it. I'm going to go study, i just wanted to update on my current food standings.

today has actually been a really good day. I've been very happy all day. i don't know why, but i don't want it to go away. well.. minus gaining a pound. but that will be taken care of shortly.

all i ate today was a salad and saltines with peanut butter. not bad. I didn't go to any of my classes but i did study my ass off and do homework all day. I have to work tomorrow so I get to walk again. I'm excited. I'm going to all my classes tomorrow, i have to. so that means tomorrow is going to be very very busy. I am considering waking up extra early and going to the library to study before my test but it depends how I feel tomorrow. I'm not sure what I am going to eat but I know I'm going to eat something before my first class so my stomach doing go crazy like it usually does. I feel like I am getting fatter and its obnoxious. I'm losing everything, except weight. why. why. why.

sick pt. 2

missed my first class this morning. woke up at 7 and could not get out of bed. wgst. funny thing, next topic of discussion is eating disorders. now that is going to be an awkward couple weeks. I'll be sure to give my input on eating disorders, because frankly, some of the articles in my book do not do them justice. yes, i already read all the stories in my book on eating, societal pressures, women and their "cry for help" blah blah blah. whatever. i just realized the picture i posted earlier... omg my legs are like two pieces of ham. fat and well, fat.i need to get ready to leave for my next class. i really don't want to go but i have an exam coming up so i have to. when i walk on campus i feel so self conscious. and i hate that. here i am just rambling away. I'm going to have some coffee for breakfast, and then not eat until tomorrow. i still feel awful about eating so much yesterday. i disgust myself. at least i have a nice walk to and from work to make me feel a little bit better..

sick

its almost 4am and I have been up for over an hour because I can't sleep and I feel terrible. I thought I only had a cold but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm ready to die. right here in this bed.. okay I'm being fairly dramatic but you get the point. I feel like shit. i had Lima beans & corn for breakfast, some fries off my friends plate for lunch (social eating haha) and salad for dinner. pineapple, a pickle, saltines, and a spoon full of peanut butter as snacks. today (well yesterday) was the most I have eaten in awhile. I have to work today (yay) except I don't feel good but what can you do. I don't want to stand on the scale today. I already know I'm going to hate what it says because my fatass ate fries. ugh. stop I don't want to think about it. too bad that's all I think about. sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am. all fucked up and mixed up inside. a lot of reasons. a lot of un-reasons. but I'm not going to sit here and ponder them because I will never get back to sleep. I have to wake up for class in 3 hours.. shit. I also only have 6 more pounds to go to reach the next gw!! exciting but scary. am I going to make it or not? dun dun dunnnn. I think being sick and awake right now is making me delusional. oh welll. I found an older picture of my legs from two or so months ago and I'm going to share it with you lovely people. okay but I really need to try and sleep so until later

xx

Sunday

tea for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and 5 saltines as a snack today. I have a math test tomorrow and I didn't really study. hopefully I do well. tomorrow starts my intense work outs so I can make it to my gw.. excited but not. my roommate went grocery shopping today. she bought a lot of bread items I will not be touching. I did eat bread today though. but I'm going to eat it in moderation. no loaf bread though. none of that. no bagels either. I have to wait until I get paid so I can do my own type of grocery shopping sigh. okay I need to go to sleep. I still don't feel good but what can you do

meow

i just wanted to post and say how wonderful work was today. everyone is so nice and friendly. and i get to move around all day. the only bad part is that my feet hurt really bad. wah. but i didn't eat today. coffee for breakfast. and coffee for dinner. i didn't have to to eat at work.. it was nice. i don't know, i feel happy right now. i can't tell if its because i didn't eat today or because of this job. probably both. but I'm going to go to sleep. i have to wake up early tomorrow and study -___- xx

its early

i got the job! i have to be there at 11 which means i have to leave 10 since I'm going to walk. I'm going to stop at Starbucks on my way and get some coffee for breakfast. I'm excited that i actually have a job now and won't be broke anymore. I'm not really sure what time i get off but I'm going to go to the gym when i get off and then study my life away i have 4 tests next week. everyday i get closer to gw day. I'm scared I'm not going to make it but i know that i will. i have to have to have to make it. my job requires me to wear jeans and i really don't want to. even though my thighs don't touch... i hate my thighs. hate them. and i only own skinny jeans so i know everyone is going to be like this girl and her fat thighs.. mm how delighting. i have to get ready.. xx

t h i g h s

my thighs stopped touching today. i could scream with joy.. but my throat hurts still. but its still a good day. i haven't been to the gym yet today, but I'm going to go later. i had 5 pieces of broccoli and tea for breakfast. I'm going to go to the library in a bit and have coffee for lunch while i study. I'm probably having broccoli and chicken for dinner. there isn't too much food in my apartment, and i like that. but my roommate keeps insisting we to go the grocery. but i don't really want to go. I'm content with fruit, vegetables, and chicken. i hate grocery shopping. too much food, too many choices. and i hate the looks that i get when i go.. sorry i like to read the labels. sorry i don't like processed food. sorry i don't want to get fatter. 13 days left to get to one of my goal weights. ill get there, i have to. i think i found a job. its about 2 miles from my house so ill walk there. i power walked there yesterday and legs are a little sore today. i like it. i like the fact that its so close, yet far enough that i get a little exercise in. thats 4 miles in one day. in addition to the 5 i usually run at the gym. my mom is sending me a package this weekend. i told her to send me peanut butter. (my addiction) the one thing i cannot give up. and a bunch of other things i want/need. i need to get into the shower and start this good day. xx

one more day

breakfast; apple w/ peanut butter lunch: salad dinner: hummus, corn, and chicken wrapped in lettuce snacks: none today was better. no snacking but i still have to wait one more day before i go to the gym. i don't feel like writing because i am so tired. i feel like I've gotten huge this week from not going to the gym. i don't know. I'm just flustered.

still

breakfast: apple with peanut butter lunch: nothing dinner: chicken ceasar salad & apple sauce snacks: chex mix i feel absolutely terrible for eating chef mix. although i didn't eat too much today, i still feel disgusting and fat. still haven't gone to the gym. i think i am going to wait until friday to go since i still don't feel 100% better. i have been so unhappy lately. and let me tell you, it fucking sucks. tomorrow I'm going to have an apple and peanut butter before class again, and salad for dinner. no snacking this time either. ugh. i need a job too. badly. something that'll take my mind off everything. and food. i need a buddy. and a fat blunt.

ill.

i am ill. mentally and physically ill. i think i have strep or something because i can barely talk, barely eat (not that i was eating before) but barely doing anything. Im skipping one of my classes today. hopefully we aren't taking an exam because i will be screwed. I have a math quiz at 2 then math class at 3. i don't want to go.. at all. i just want to sleep. but i need to go. i gave up all bread/wheat products for the next few weeks. my roommate and i are giving up one thing every week. but little does she know once i give it up, I'm not going to eat it again. i accidentally told one of my roommates that i used to have "food problems". used to being the key word. hahah fuck it. what is she going to do.. not shit. i kind of want to go to my 1 o'clock class. kind of but not really. i haven't been to the gym in 3 days because I've been so sick. so I'm sure i look like a goddamn abomination. last week was awful for me. i cried everyday last week. if it wasn't my weight, it was my parents, if it wasn't that it was school, its like i just cannot catch a break. i don't know. i need to get up and get in the shower so i can go to class. until next time

dos

two morning classes today. loved them both but being some so early results in one thing: snacking. I snacked all day. on healthy foods but snacking non the less. my roommate and I made dinner. I made chicken with pineapple and edamame. she made potatoes. one of my new roommates ... I feel like she used to have an ed or has one. the scary thing is she sounds just like me when i talk about food. christ. but anyway tomorrow I am getting up early to run errands and do homework before class. Tomorrow is also a starving day. salad for lunch and dinner. coffee and fruit for breakfast. I try to have at least 4 days a week of SY days. sy meaning starve yourself. I need to go to sleep. so tired. so stoned. too much to do tomorrow. too much to do everyday.

Back to college

My first day of college was great. I love my classes and professors. Ate decent today. I had like 5 cups of coffee today, oops. 1/2 chicken sandwich on wheat with a salad for lunch, grapes & pretzels as a snack, and salad for dinner. Went to the gym, ran and got on the elliptical. overall, today was a good day. I'm doing yoga tomorrow! I'm excited. I'm still going to workout like normal though. its crazy how some days are so good and some days are not so good. but.. I'll take what I can get

sometimes

sometimes i wonder how its possible for me to hate myself as much as i do. the guy that I'm working with was laughing at my thighs... as if i didn't already hate myself, lets all point out how fat my legs are. I just.. sometimes i wonder how I'm so damn good at hiding my emotions. sometimes I even scare myself

holy shit

i can't believe the summer is over. i start school in a week. i haven't written the entire summer. but i could sum it up in one word: fluctuate. Fluctuating emotions, fluctuating weight. fluctuated life. I'm at my last two camps this week before i go back to school. I managed to lose, depending on the month. but now that I can get back to school, & back to pattern I'll be able to permanently keep this weight off. when I was home for a few weeks I got in trouble for not eating enough. my dad was 'distressed' because he said my spine was 'prominent'

....regardless it was an up and down summer. I ate, I didn't eat. I worked out, I didn't work out. the past two weeks have been not working out and eating. I think I was beginning to scare the person I've been working with. he was saying that i don't ever eat and always giving me this look. so what did I do, I ate. I even ate Chinese food one night with him. don't think I'm doing this because I like this guy. I just don't want history to repeat itself. play it cool and everyone wins. I'm going to start school being the fat girl again. god I'm not looking forward to this. ive gotten really good at not seeing people. when I go places if you just blur out their faces, you'll never see them staring. I think I'm just crazy... probably.

on a more fun note I'm at the beach and it's fucking perfect. I missed the sea

over this and it's only the second day

just about ready to kill myself. or have an extreme anxiety attack. left for my new training job, and it's hard work definitely. basically 8 hours a day of sweating. but I haven't been to the gym in 3 days and I'm pretty much going crazy. I can feel myself getting fatter. I'm going absolutely insane and no one has noticed. the hotel im at has no gym and im pretty much in the middle of no where. I guess I can do insanity but I really just need to run. run until I can't anymore. I'm pretty much just rambling but I honestly just feel so awful I hate this. I hate being fat. I hate being me.

quick

breakfast: rice
lunch: larabar
dinner: rice

ran for an hour then got on the elliptical for 45. so today was a decent day. leaving for my job today! pretty much done packing too thank god. I packed my scale and my roommate was like are you really that anal that you have to bring that. me: ....yes
haha oh well. but I just wanted to write a little. I'm so tired and I have to be up early.
xx stay strong

it hurt but less now

my ex- that I can't get over and he wants me back- told his friend that I got fat. over it. over him. permanently. when I found out last night I of course, had a panic attack and cried myself to sleep. but I woke up this morning, and smoked a blunt word my roommate so right now I just don't care. well see though, well see whose fat. yesterday I had chex mix in the afternoon and chicken for dinner. ran and did insanity. today I've had steamed veggies and rice. I'm going to go run later. but until then I'm going to sit outside and enjoy my coffee on this pretty day

i don't even know how to explain this feeling.

rice

today was good I guess. worked all day. I ate chex mix before work (yum) then had rice and corn for dinner when I got home. I went to the gym after I ate. ran 5 miles then did an ab circuit. my knee is so messed up. I need to just go home and get surgery, but I have no time. so I will just suffer in silence. it's so hard to work out with a torn meniscus. but whatever. I was almost manic today now that I think about it. I was bouncing off the walls with energy. and of course I can't sleep right now. issues. I'm so excited that I'm finally going to get coffee materials tomorrow so I can go back to living off coffee. yes yes yes tomorrow will be good. after I go to the gym of course. I need to get on here from my computer so I can see what everyone is up to. I need a buddy or something. someone who doesn't mind to listen to me complain about food to them. so if that's you, let me know. (but really) sigh I guess I should attempt to sleep. but I already know this will be me rolling around in bed for 5 hours. stay strong xx

there's a first time for everything

purged for the first time in years.... i ate everything today. I just couldn't stop. it was awful. and I just felt so bad I had to do it. I didn't know what else to do.. I don't know how I feel about it. bad because I told myself I would never do that again. but good because I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I let ALL that stay in me. well now I'm drinking more water than thought possible. I want to cleanse my system out.
I have to actually be productive and get shit accomplished the next 3 days. so no more staying in bed all day. whatever. back to bed, stay strong. good night

4 day review

it's 2:30 in the morning on Sunday morning. I'm sore. and tired. it's so hard to get out of bed. I don't know what's wrong (aside from the usual) with me but I'm sad and lethargic. I'm in my new apartment! it's great. it was hard since me and my friend moved everything by ourselves. keep in mind i live on the 3rd floor, moved to 3rd floor of another building. And there isnt an elevator. stress. great workout though. we have pretty much have no food. peanut butter and corn haha. and I'm not going shopping since I'm leaving Thursday. so I'll be living off salad take out and peanut butter >_< mmm everyone keeps giving me weird looks. I'm not sure what it is but it's something. getting up at 9 tomorrow to go to the gym. blah. my knew hurts but whatever.

coffee > food

Breakfast: coffee Lunch: corn and rice Dinner: corn & rice Snacks: coffee, coffee, coffee today was a pretty good day. i made corn and rice in the early afternoon. 1/2 for lunch, the other half for dinner. I wanted to write yesterday, but of course i forgot. i started my monday off right with bootcamp. it kicked my ass. i nearly passed out. today i ran for an hour and did this insane ab circuit. I'm SORE. but sore is good. definitely sore. i leave for training for my second job next week. excited, nervous, scared. i get to travel every week, after training, so theres a good reason good reason not to eat. not that ill really need one, I'm going to be traveling alone a lot and staying in hotels. living off fruit, hotel gyms, and good books. sounds like my kind of summer. i still haven't moved. they keep delaying my move date because they SUCK. "they" being my apartment complex. anyway, enough rambling. i haven't been on the scale in awhile. I'm scared. so i just stare at myself in the mirror morning and night, deciding if I've gotten thinner or not. usually not though.

womp

it's 3am. I'm getting up at 8 to workout. I'm addicted to the treadmill. honestly it's my bestfriend. I got called skin and bones today by my boss. it was I don't know, encouraging. and then my friend told me today that I looked thin. tomorrow is 1/2 apple for breakfast. after the gym. frozen yogurt with my friend for lunch and salad with chicken for dinner. I feel like I don't ever eat. unless I'm high. I suck at quitting smoking weed. whatever. my roommate has got me weighing myself everyday recently. crazy. I feel like I have to much left to accomplish. I've come so far but not even far enough. I'm just high and rambling on about things no one cares about. I'm going to go to sleep.
xx think thin

Saturday is for Saunas

I want to sit in the sauna today. but I have to work from 12-8. -_- and then my roommate and i are throwing a party. yayy. yesterday was good actually. Total of 300c food. and 420c burned at the gym. i went out to eat with my friends last night and they all got on me for ordering just a salad. whatever. anyway, I just wanted to post a little before work. I'll post later tonight to tell about today.
think thin everyone xx

uhidpfg

my last day of school is today. at 1130am. I. can't. wait. i feel so fat. i haven't been on my scale in 9 days. i feel huge. absolutely huge. wait, 9 days is a long time, for me. i can't decide if i should celebrate or cry. funny how that works. you think, small steps to getting better. but getting better doesn't always feel, better. I've been on this healthy diet thing blah blah blah. I'm always on some kind of fucking diet. i mean, i definitely feel stronger. thinner- not so much. i can't wait to start this diet with my roommate. hurry up may! but in the meantime, im going on an adderall diet. adderall and water.. hahaha kidding. but kind of not. now that school is out, i have more time to think about more important things. except I'm taking a summer class -___- oh well, my summer is going to include: gym, school, work, gym,get fucked up. *repeat* and I'm not mad about it. well until july (fuck that shit) whatever i don't want to talk about it. on a new topic, in may I'm going to really step it up, with weight loss i mean. ugh. fuck being fat. fuck. it. I've been thinking about getting about some kind of dietary supplement. i went to the vitamin store the other day and they have so many choices for weight loss aide. like jesus i need to get some. also, I'm quitting smoking weed starting may 1st (i don't smoke cigarettes if anyone way wondering) when i don't smoke i lose weight so much better (fuck the munchies) and even though i love smoking weed, i have to do it. i have to get serious. i also want to get a second job. just so i can't make more money. 5 years. 5 years, and I'm moving to california. i just need to save up. i feel like i am so scatterbrained when i post. i don't know, i just write as I'm thinking. but I'm pretty much ready to go to sleep, after i do my ab workout. until tomorrow think thin xx

mondays are fun

skipped class today.i just couldn't. i slept till 12 (i still don't feel too great) and then went to the gym. and then after that my friends and i went out to lunch i had baked chicken and salad (wooohoo) after we go back my other friend and i ran errands and went grocery shopping. i got apples, dried fruit, chicken, natural apple sauce, saltines, salad, corn, broccoli, rice and V8 juice. not the tomato, the fruit kind. I'm obsessed and it has a lot of vitamins. thats what I'm living off of until i move into my new apartment. I'm so excited. but tomorrow is the start of me focusing on school these last two weeks. I'm going to get my shit together so i don't fail my finals. even though I'm pretty sure i failed math this semester. i need to step up my weight lose. i avoided the scale again today. I'm scared. i feel so fat. i know once i get on there and see those numbers I'm going to lose it, again. i don't know. its like i go through these stages. everyday my thoughts are controlled by food. but the days i get on the scale are always worse than the days i don't. always. its like either bad or worse.. where are my good days? i don't know. but I'm going to do some ab workouts before i go to sleep. i have a strict diet that I'm on for the next two weeks. after i weigh myself tomorrow ill be able to tell you more about it. anyway, good night xx stay strong

hello again.

i suck at writing. fuck. whatever. okay so my trip home was annoying but i survived.... i ate so much the day i got there, my mom took me out to eat twice. she kept saying "you look thin honey" so, being a good daughter, i ate everything she put in front of me. everything. but saturday night, i went to the family gathering, didn't eat all day and immediately got drunk when i got there (oops) and when we finally sat down for dinner, i had a soup and salad. sunday i didn't eat all day till i got home from the airport. damn i don't know how I'm remembering all this. but anyway all last week was good. I've been taking adderall so no appetite for me. but friday saturday and today i didn't go to the gym because i haven't been feeling very well. basically, this past week I've lived off adderall, chicken, corn, and rice. and I'm actually pretty happy about it. I'm ready to get back to the gym tomorrow morning. i haven't measured myself lately either. i know, this is kind of a half ass post seeing as i haven't posted in like a week. but i really want to go to sleep, i feel like shit. I'm going to get on my scale tomorrow for sure and see where I'm at. i feel like i have so much to say but its just going to have to wait till tomorrow. i can barely keep my eyes open.

xx

fail

i haven't written in awhile: fail. i ate a cookie yesterday: fail. i feel like my life is in fast forward and there is nothing i can do to make it slow down. everything is just whirling around, buzzing, screaming, running, and then there is me, just standing. I'm stuck. i don't know what i want, where I'm going, anything. I guess it is true, you can't run away from your demons. fuck fuck fuck. i hate myself. i really do. why am i so fucked up. going to home for the weekend (by force) I'm so not looking forward to that. that place is nothing but broken dreams and broken promises.

well.. the past 6 days have been decent, food wise. emotionally, I'm a wreck. on the inside, I'm a mess. on the outside, you would never know there was something wrong with me. but i can feel myself changing, crawling inside my head to hide. living off fruits and veggies. my friend has been making dinner every night. chicken, pasta, bread, vegetables, potatoes, everything. ill only eat chicken, veggies, fruit, rice, salad. there are a few other things on that list but i don't feel like going into detail. my friend from back home was asking me why i want to go to the gym 2-3 times everyday. why does it matter, as if it isn't obvious enough. i just told her, i have a few things to work on. she basically was freaking out telling me not to go overboard blah blah blah stfu. i don't care what anyone says. i know what i look like. i know what i need to fix. i don't understand why everyone WANTS me to be fat. whatever.

so this week since I'm going home, I'm stepping up my workouts and of course, eating less. next monday, my future roommate and i are going to a diet together. a diet within a diet. look at me go. i haven't taken my measurements for this week yet, fail. ill do it tomorrow. i have an exam tomorrow and work. I've pretty much fucked up in school this year. my parents are going to hate me, more than they already do. i just need to save up enough money, and i swear, I'm gone. I'm moving to california and not coming back. next semester, I'm moving into a room with this girl. its like a dorm, but its at the apartment place i live now. its really really nice and cheap. she is going to think I'm crazy when I'm doing my workouts every damn morning and night. not to mention i sit on the computer at all hours of the night researching ways to tone my thighs, lose arm fat, lower bmi, etc. Im scared she is going to find out. but what can she do, my parents are over 1,000 miles away. and i don't know any OPCs here. thank god. i hope my mother doesn't say anything about my weight loss since the last time i saw her. when i was home for winter break my best friends mom told me i went away to college and came back thinner. i was elated that she said that. but in front of my dad, not so much. oh well. i mean, I've only lost like 7lbs since I've been back. well, that was the last time i stood on my scale. i should probably of that tomorrow. well, its almost 4am and i have to be up at 9.


stay strong xx

wednesday

today was good, until i binged on pizza (one of my weaknesses) ugh I'm so stupid. but this morning i got up early and went to the gym and burnt 250c i had an apple and saltines for breakfast (110c) i have no clue how many calories the pizza i ate was, so when it got dark, i went to the 4th floor of the parking garage (its empty up there) and ran till i was ready to pass out. i was really productive today though. so go me. i work tomorrow and i really don't want to, but i need the money. today when i was working out with my friend early, she kept asking me why i didn't want to run uphill with her. i tried explaining that i didn't want to gain anymore muscle, but actually slim down. (i have a lot of muscle) and she just looked at me like i was crazy. and a few days before that my other friend was asking me what my goal weight was. i just said i didn't have one. oh well, i don't get why they even care. its my body. my life. my rules. anyway, its 2am and i want to get up at 9 and go to the gym. then go to class, come home and start my homework, go to work, come home. my life is so boring during the week. sigh. i don't know. there is so much going on inside my head and on the outside, nothing. I'm quiet, happy, content. if someone opened up my brain, they would never look at me the same. my head is filled with monsters. monsters that I'm not ready to face. not yet.

decent days

my first day of work was really good. its actually pretty easy. easy money. monday i ate a bagel for breakfast and vegetables for dinner when i got home from work. and i burned 200c at the gym. so money was a pretty good day. today, i had no energy so i ended up skipping both of my classes. i just don't have the drive to go right now. my mind is pretty much everywhere except school... .sigh. but i had a chicken wrap for breakfast/lunch and then i ate okra and corn for dinner. burned 347c at the gym. today was another relatively decent day. minus i skipped class. whatever. but tomorrow I'm going to get up really early and be super productive (starting with the gym of course) and just run errands all day before class. i went grocery shopping today. i spent over 2 hours there because i couldn't decide on what to get. but i decided I'm living off fruit, veggies, and chicken until i go home (next weekend) hopefully that'll help me lose something before i leave. i need to stand on the scale. I'm too scared though. but anyway..wow i am rambling on. but there were so many things to choose from. ugh. i got salad toots barely 1 and I'm about ready to pass out. 9 am run for sure tomorrow. but I'm going to go to sleep, i don't feel like typing anymore. ha. till tomorrow

xx

bad weekend that was actually really good.

i haven't written since thursday. damn, the time has flewwww by. but i thought about writing i just never did it. even though i have the blogger app on my phone. wow i just remembered that... anyway, friday night: 455c total and i burned 381c working out (wooohoo) friday was a success. because i knew i was going out on saturday and i really didn't want to look fat (even though you did) anyway, saturday i went to club with some friends of mine that were girls! and then we went to another party. i was so drunk shit was crazy. but i didn't throw up! saturday i ate peas and corn all day. and burned 324c at the gym. BUT after i got really really drunk i did awful. i had no self control. i ate a slice of pizza, a brownie AND chicken nuggets. wtf. i don't even eat that much when I'm stoned. hence why i don't like to drink a lot. but today, ohh today was hard getting up. but today i ate soup, corn, and chicken totally 250c and burned 600c at the gym. i felt bad for drinking so much saturday.its 3am and i have to get up at 9. I START WORK TOMORROW! I'm so excited. i finally get to be bus again. i haven't had a full schedule in almost 5 months. no wonder I'm so god damn fat. I'm so excited. i think my life is coming together a little.. hahah yeah. okay. I'm so like nervous. for tomorrow and the rest of the week and i don't. i just have so many nerves. nervous. scared. excited. for sure. okay i have to go to bed. i am going to write tomorrow i promise!

xxx think thin

hmph.

today was odd. I've felt really off all day. i think it was because i took that adderall and didn't eat before. and then i didn't eat until 5pm. i had a piece of bread with ham. then i made dinner for my friends. wheat pasta and shrimp with oil not butter. i ate a little of that, just so i didn't look weird not eating any... OHH then i had a moment of weakness. so, like i was saying I've been feeling off. so i felt like i was going to black out earlier.. so i ate two oreos. i know i should have only eaten one, but i ate two (i suck) I'm so annoyed at my lack of self control...hmph. anyway, walked 8 miles today with my friend. so, i mean i guess thats alright. i also did cardio ab insanity. (killler) insanity is amazing. but i also ate some chips when i was high. damn. i did really bad today.. I'm so annoyed. I'm waking up at 9 tomorrow to work out. i don't have class but i still have some things to do.

i feel like i have this hole inside me where my ex best friend used to be. i don't even want to begin to get into that but i need like a close friend that is a girl that i can talk to. i feel like ALL my friends are guys. and gay ones at that. i don't know i just feel like I'm missing something. hmph.

W is for Workout

soo. after my nap i went to the gym and ran 3miles (304c) then got on the elliptical for 15 min (142c) and i worked my arms a little, and did my stomach (of course) then my day carried on with taking my friends puppy on a walk. my roommate made dinner. meatloaf and potatoes and pasta and chips. i don't eat beef so i had an was an easy way out of that one. she said the potatoes were too salty so i politely agreed and didn't eat any. i ate a few chips and one bite of meatloaf (puke) just because my roommate insisted i try it. whatever.. THEN when all of her friends left i saw it. a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and of course my stupid self eats one. in like 3 bites. i couldn't stop myself. it was like i just HAD to eat it. anyway, feeling guilty i convinced my roommate to go to the gym with me. OH need i remind you i ate 200c worth of peas and corn earlier. so we went to the gym and i ran 2.5 miles and worked my stomach again (300c) bye bye doughnuts. tomorrow, I'm really going to take an adderall so after i eat breakfast i won't be hungry for the rest of the day. i go home in two weeks. fuck that. i don't really want to think about it. but, i am actually really happy that i went to the gym twice today. i want to have a good day tomorrow i really do. but its time shower and pass out, i have class at 12 and i have to get up at like 9 to start studying. I'm trying to get serious about school. so i don't look like I'm wasting everything out here in this great old state. hahaha good night ladies. stay strong xx

B. L. A. H.

skipping class again to lay in bed. well, i went for a little while but left early. I ended up sleeping in really late so I didn't take an adderall and i haven't made it to the gym. and I've eaten a bagel today so far (290c) I don't know how that makes me feel. since all I have been feeling today is sad. not even sad, just blah. I hate when I don't know what to feel. Or, I feel a certain way but I don't know what to call it. hm. I have to go to campus at 3:15ish to get my clicker. yay more walking. I'm going to make it to the gym today. preferably after my trip to campus. I haven't decided if I want to eat anything else today (no) maybe I will (you won't). every time I talk about food, a voice yells back at me. that my friends is what therapists will call your negative/distorted body image. I call it the truth. but I'm going to try to sleep for a little before I get up and start running around again

175 calorie snack

175 calorie peanut butter rice crispy treats! perfect sweet snack

2/3 cup rice krispys
1 tablespoon peanut butter

mix the two in a bowl until the peanut butter covers everything... eat with a spoon. yummy and low calorie sweet snack

blah

the rest of my day was good and bad. i pretty much blew my entire day when i binged -____________-fuck. fuck fuck. well i immediately went for a run after. whatever. i also walked 10 miles today with my friend after school. I'm so annoyed with myself. I'm never going to fucking get there. whatever. tomorrow I'm taking an adderall so i won't be eating all day. thank god. side note awesome little recipe i want to post about later. tomorrow I'm going to work out twice. once when i first get up and then again after i take my addy. my friend told me i looked thinner today, so i mean thats a plus. i have to do an ab workout before i pass out.


xx

fuck fuck fuck

i don't think my mother understands how much i do not want to come home, even if it is just for a weekend. fuck all of that. that place is nothing, nothing but a sickness. I'm going to do nothing but want to cry and kill myself. fuck that place. sometimes, i i really do scare myself. i was on the verge of a panic attack in the middle of class! because my mother was harassing me about coming back. she is so manipulative. she's got my aunt in it too. whatever. all of them can just keep the fuck away from me. i honestly cannot wait for the day i can close them all out of my life and finally be happy. maybe. well, thats what I'm hoping for. anyway, haven't had anything to eat yet. I've just been drinking water and walking everywhere. working out later tonight. I'm actually in the mood for my vegetable diet. probably going to just have some corn and then walk to school for my next class. i have to go to the bank and a few other places. and its beautiful outside. the sun is out and its in the 80s. i couldn't sit in class (math especially) and think about how much i really really really do not want to fucking go back home. i don't get why no one understands. I'm over talking about that for now. my dads wedding is going to be hard enough. if I'm going home in a few weeks I'm going to need some serious drugs. or a lot of pot. hahahaha

staystrongxx

good start to the week

my monday started off pretty good. it was beautiful outside and i woke up with enough time to go to the gym before class. ran 3 miles woohoo. my knee hurts so bad though. i need to get it looked at. so bad. whatever. i will one day. so i didn't eat all day until my friend cooked me dinner. shrimp pasta and corn. 550c for food and 243c for running. thats all. so tired all the time its annoying. whatever. my one friend will not stop calling me fat and thick and chunky and he says he's just kidding but i seriously hate it more than anything like i can't take it. i just want to cry. ugh fuck that. anyway. today i measured myself. every monday I'm going to measure myself. tomorrow I'm doing to vegetable diet. every time i eat, it has to be a vegetable. I'm going to do corn for breakfast, peas for lunch and broccoli and corn for dinner. and since my knee has been bothering me I'm going to get on the elliptical tomorrow. oh, and my friend and i are gong running tomorrow morning. so i guess I'm not really giving my knee a break. oh well. anyway, stay strong ladies

Stats

thighs: 22in.
waist: 29in.
hips: 37in.
bust: 36in.

whadddddup

thank god spring break is over. i did horrible, even though i did have a few good days. monday was bad. bad bad bad. fuck whatever. but tuesday was better. wednesday consisted of coffee and more coffee. yummy. good day. thursday was another alright night. i managed the gym wooohooo. friday i got black out wasted and puked EVERYTHING i had eaten that day. it was like a win lose situation. I'm not really sure actually. haha wow okay. saturday was another wasted night but i didn't throw up (??) today was good. I've had chicken (200c) and went to the gym and ran for 30 minutes (340c) so today was a good start to the week. I've been scaring myself lately though. like.... all i think about is food. food food food food food. what am i going to eat (what am i not going to eat) my dad asked me if i was eating the other day. yes dad... (lie) everyday (another lie) he's noticed that I've been tired lately. from over 1,000 miles away he's noticed that I've been tired. i must really suck at being sneaky (actually I'm really good at being sneaky) I'm feeling a 45 min run tomorrow morning. breakfast... i don't know too many things in my pantry, fridge, and freezer. something low calorie but yummy. womppp i don't know i don't know. i have a jacket on... its 81 outside. i am also writing with all my friends around ahh nerve-wracking but whatever i really had to write. I'm high as fuck right now. lol i wonder who else is a disordered eating stoner. thats a club me and a girl i know on tumblr created. hahaha wow what a lame thing oh well. my friend called me fat the other day. i wanted to cry right in the middle of the store...

okay so i just like got up and went into my room and locked the door hahah. I'm so ratchet. they probably think I'm smoking (my friends are some real potheads) okay anyway, i don't what else i want to write about. but i need to find a buddy. I'm a good buddy so if you need one, let me know! haha okay so I'm going to go drink some tea and enjoy my last day before college starts!

think think!

do this to take your mind off food

Age: 19


Highest Weight: 150 lbs


Lowest Weight: 101 lbs


Goal Weight: 105 lbs

Favorite Diet Food?
apples, rice, corn,



Favorite Binge Food?
pizza

Favorite Exercise?

Running, tumbling, insanity



Thinspo?

sky ferreira, chanel iman, miranda kerr



What Makes You Slip Up?

getting really high 



What Makes You Strong?

when i see that I've lost weight 



When Did It Start?

2005, but i didn't really come to terms till '07



Does Anyone Know?

my parents, my old cheerleading coach



Do You Want Help?
if you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't 



How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?

good days; 200-600 bad days; >800



What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?

a monster with the face of a fat girl 



Are You In A Relationship?

no


Is It For Attention?

oh, for sure


Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?

I’m on the thin side, but I’m not the thinnest



Are You Depressed?

I want to say no but that’s a lie



Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?

ive danced around the edge, but never had the courage to jump



Ever Been To A Psychologist?

thats not really my scene



Are You On Any Medication?

i prefer herbal healing



I AM -

[x] anorexic

[x] ednos

[ ] bulimic

[ ] living off diet pills

[x] hungry

[ x] thirsty

[ ] drinking something

[ ] eating something

[ ] under 100lbs

[x] starving myself

[ ] participating in a fast

[ ] vegan



PEOPLE -

[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic

[ ] call me fat

[x] say I’m skinny

[ ] say I’m ugly

[x] say I’m pretty - LIARS

[ x] spread rumors about me

[ ] force me to eat

[ ] say I eat too much

[x] wish I’d eat more

[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

[x] have tried to stop me

I

WISH -

[x] I was thin

[x] I had a better body

[ ] I didn’t have to eat

[x] I could control myself

[ ] I was under 100lbs

[x] I could avoid food

[ ] I could hide what I am

[x] I wasn’t fat

[x] I was prettier

[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

[x] I had a boy/girlfriend

[ ] I could disappear



I LOVE -

[x] feeling hungry

[x] seeing a difference

[x] shaking

[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)

[x] losing weight

[ ] being anorexic/bulimic

[x] green tea

[ ] diet pills

[x] being able to turn down food

[x] feeling good about myself



I HATE -

[x] when people stare

[x] being asked questions

[ ] having to eat

[ ] being single

[ ] wearing short skirts

[x] being fat

[x] looking ugly

[x] feeling this way

[ ] fat people



I NEED -

[ ] more support ****i love buddies (:

[x] people to stay out of my business

[ ] more friends

[x] someone to know

[x] less food
[x] more water

[ ] a gym membership

[ ] to lose 50 lbs

[ ] to lose 30 lb.

[ ] to lose 10lbs

one

they say fresh starts are good for the soul. sooo fresh start on my blog. i never actually remember to write because of tumblr. uhh whatever. i got a nice new journal, sparkly black. I'm sure the woman who checked me out thought i was going to use it for school... i want to start planning my meals ahead of time but by days. and as a nice side note... fuck you parents and parents friends for making me fat. you ruined me. twice. but not this time. thank god I'm in college now and i don't have to go home ANY time soon. so its back to my rules. i made there before, i can do it again. 110 I'm coming for you.