Saturday is for Saunas

I want to sit in the sauna today. but I have to work from 12-8. -_- and then my roommate and i are throwing a party. yayy. yesterday was good actually. Total of 300c food. and 420c burned at the gym. i went out to eat with my friends last night and they all got on me for ordering just a salad. whatever. anyway, I just wanted to post a little before work. I'll post later tonight to tell about today.
think thin everyone xx

uhidpfg

my last day of school is today. at 1130am. I. can't. wait. i feel so fat. i haven't been on my scale in 9 days. i feel huge. absolutely huge. wait, 9 days is a long time, for me. i can't decide if i should celebrate or cry. funny how that works. you think, small steps to getting better. but getting better doesn't always feel, better. I've been on this healthy diet thing blah blah blah. I'm always on some kind of fucking diet. i mean, i definitely feel stronger. thinner- not so much. i can't wait to start this diet with my roommate. hurry up may! but in the meantime, im going on an adderall diet. adderall and water.. hahaha kidding. but kind of not. now that school is out, i have more time to think about more important things. except I'm taking a summer class -___- oh well, my summer is going to include: gym, school, work, gym,get fucked up. *repeat* and I'm not mad about it. well until july (fuck that shit) whatever i don't want to talk about it. on a new topic, in may I'm going to really step it up, with weight loss i mean. ugh. fuck being fat. fuck. it. I've been thinking about getting about some kind of dietary supplement. i went to the vitamin store the other day and they have so many choices for weight loss aide. like jesus i need to get some. also, I'm quitting smoking weed starting may 1st (i don't smoke cigarettes if anyone way wondering) when i don't smoke i lose weight so much better (fuck the munchies) and even though i love smoking weed, i have to do it. i have to get serious. i also want to get a second job. just so i can't make more money. 5 years. 5 years, and I'm moving to california. i just need to save up. i feel like i am so scatterbrained when i post. i don't know, i just write as I'm thinking. but I'm pretty much ready to go to sleep, after i do my ab workout. until tomorrow think thin xx

mondays are fun

skipped class today.i just couldn't. i slept till 12 (i still don't feel too great) and then went to the gym. and then after that my friends and i went out to lunch i had baked chicken and salad (wooohoo) after we go back my other friend and i ran errands and went grocery shopping. i got apples, dried fruit, chicken, natural apple sauce, saltines, salad, corn, broccoli, rice and V8 juice. not the tomato, the fruit kind. I'm obsessed and it has a lot of vitamins. thats what I'm living off of until i move into my new apartment. I'm so excited. but tomorrow is the start of me focusing on school these last two weeks. I'm going to get my shit together so i don't fail my finals. even though I'm pretty sure i failed math this semester. i need to step up my weight lose. i avoided the scale again today. I'm scared. i feel so fat. i know once i get on there and see those numbers I'm going to lose it, again. i don't know. its like i go through these stages. everyday my thoughts are controlled by food. but the days i get on the scale are always worse than the days i don't. always. its like either bad or worse.. where are my good days? i don't know. but I'm going to do some ab workouts before i go to sleep. i have a strict diet that I'm on for the next two weeks. after i weigh myself tomorrow ill be able to tell you more about it. anyway, good night xx stay strong

hello again.

i suck at writing. fuck. whatever. okay so my trip home was annoying but i survived.... i ate so much the day i got there, my mom took me out to eat twice. she kept saying "you look thin honey" so, being a good daughter, i ate everything she put in front of me. everything. but saturday night, i went to the family gathering, didn't eat all day and immediately got drunk when i got there (oops) and when we finally sat down for dinner, i had a soup and salad. sunday i didn't eat all day till i got home from the airport. damn i don't know how I'm remembering all this. but anyway all last week was good. I've been taking adderall so no appetite for me. but friday saturday and today i didn't go to the gym because i haven't been feeling very well. basically, this past week I've lived off adderall, chicken, corn, and rice. and I'm actually pretty happy about it. I'm ready to get back to the gym tomorrow morning. i haven't measured myself lately either. i know, this is kind of a half ass post seeing as i haven't posted in like a week. but i really want to go to sleep, i feel like shit. I'm going to get on my scale tomorrow for sure and see where I'm at. i feel like i have so much to say but its just going to have to wait till tomorrow. i can barely keep my eyes open.

xx

fail

i haven't written in awhile: fail. i ate a cookie yesterday: fail. i feel like my life is in fast forward and there is nothing i can do to make it slow down. everything is just whirling around, buzzing, screaming, running, and then there is me, just standing. I'm stuck. i don't know what i want, where I'm going, anything. I guess it is true, you can't run away from your demons. fuck fuck fuck. i hate myself. i really do. why am i so fucked up. going to home for the weekend (by force) I'm so not looking forward to that. that place is nothing but broken dreams and broken promises.

well.. the past 6 days have been decent, food wise. emotionally, I'm a wreck. on the inside, I'm a mess. on the outside, you would never know there was something wrong with me. but i can feel myself changing, crawling inside my head to hide. living off fruits and veggies. my friend has been making dinner every night. chicken, pasta, bread, vegetables, potatoes, everything. ill only eat chicken, veggies, fruit, rice, salad. there are a few other things on that list but i don't feel like going into detail. my friend from back home was asking me why i want to go to the gym 2-3 times everyday. why does it matter, as if it isn't obvious enough. i just told her, i have a few things to work on. she basically was freaking out telling me not to go overboard blah blah blah stfu. i don't care what anyone says. i know what i look like. i know what i need to fix. i don't understand why everyone WANTS me to be fat. whatever.

so this week since I'm going home, I'm stepping up my workouts and of course, eating less. next monday, my future roommate and i are going to a diet together. a diet within a diet. look at me go. i haven't taken my measurements for this week yet, fail. ill do it tomorrow. i have an exam tomorrow and work. I've pretty much fucked up in school this year. my parents are going to hate me, more than they already do. i just need to save up enough money, and i swear, I'm gone. I'm moving to california and not coming back. next semester, I'm moving into a room with this girl. its like a dorm, but its at the apartment place i live now. its really really nice and cheap. she is going to think I'm crazy when I'm doing my workouts every damn morning and night. not to mention i sit on the computer at all hours of the night researching ways to tone my thighs, lose arm fat, lower bmi, etc. Im scared she is going to find out. but what can she do, my parents are over 1,000 miles away. and i don't know any OPCs here. thank god. i hope my mother doesn't say anything about my weight loss since the last time i saw her. when i was home for winter break my best friends mom told me i went away to college and came back thinner. i was elated that she said that. but in front of my dad, not so much. oh well. i mean, I've only lost like 7lbs since I've been back. well, that was the last time i stood on my scale. i should probably of that tomorrow. well, its almost 4am and i have to be up at 9.


stay strong xx