wednesday

today was good, until i binged on pizza (one of my weaknesses) ugh I'm so stupid. but this morning i got up early and went to the gym and burnt 250c i had an apple and saltines for breakfast (110c) i have no clue how many calories the pizza i ate was, so when it got dark, i went to the 4th floor of the parking garage (its empty up there) and ran till i was ready to pass out. i was really productive today though. so go me. i work tomorrow and i really don't want to, but i need the money. today when i was working out with my friend early, she kept asking me why i didn't want to run uphill with her. i tried explaining that i didn't want to gain anymore muscle, but actually slim down. (i have a lot of muscle) and she just looked at me like i was crazy. and a few days before that my other friend was asking me what my goal weight was. i just said i didn't have one. oh well, i don't get why they even care. its my body. my life. my rules. anyway, its 2am and i want to get up at 9 and go to the gym. then go to class, come home and start my homework, go to work, come home. my life is so boring during the week. sigh. i don't know. there is so much going on inside my head and on the outside, nothing. I'm quiet, happy, content. if someone opened up my brain, they would never look at me the same. my head is filled with monsters. monsters that I'm not ready to face. not yet.

decent days

my first day of work was really good. its actually pretty easy. easy money. monday i ate a bagel for breakfast and vegetables for dinner when i got home from work. and i burned 200c at the gym. so money was a pretty good day. today, i had no energy so i ended up skipping both of my classes. i just don't have the drive to go right now. my mind is pretty much everywhere except school... .sigh. but i had a chicken wrap for breakfast/lunch and then i ate okra and corn for dinner. burned 347c at the gym. today was another relatively decent day. minus i skipped class. whatever. but tomorrow I'm going to get up really early and be super productive (starting with the gym of course) and just run errands all day before class. i went grocery shopping today. i spent over 2 hours there because i couldn't decide on what to get. but i decided I'm living off fruit, veggies, and chicken until i go home (next weekend) hopefully that'll help me lose something before i leave. i need to stand on the scale. I'm too scared though. but anyway..wow i am rambling on. but there were so many things to choose from. ugh. i got salad toots barely 1 and I'm about ready to pass out. 9 am run for sure tomorrow. but I'm going to go to sleep, i don't feel like typing anymore. ha. till tomorrow

xx

bad weekend that was actually really good.

i haven't written since thursday. damn, the time has flewwww by. but i thought about writing i just never did it. even though i have the blogger app on my phone. wow i just remembered that... anyway, friday night: 455c total and i burned 381c working out (wooohoo) friday was a success. because i knew i was going out on saturday and i really didn't want to look fat (even though you did) anyway, saturday i went to club with some friends of mine that were girls! and then we went to another party. i was so drunk shit was crazy. but i didn't throw up! saturday i ate peas and corn all day. and burned 324c at the gym. BUT after i got really really drunk i did awful. i had no self control. i ate a slice of pizza, a brownie AND chicken nuggets. wtf. i don't even eat that much when I'm stoned. hence why i don't like to drink a lot. but today, ohh today was hard getting up. but today i ate soup, corn, and chicken totally 250c and burned 600c at the gym. i felt bad for drinking so much saturday.its 3am and i have to get up at 9. I START WORK TOMORROW! I'm so excited. i finally get to be bus again. i haven't had a full schedule in almost 5 months. no wonder I'm so god damn fat. I'm so excited. i think my life is coming together a little.. hahah yeah. okay. I'm so like nervous. for tomorrow and the rest of the week and i don't. i just have so many nerves. nervous. scared. excited. for sure. okay i have to go to bed. i am going to write tomorrow i promise!

xxx think thin

hmph.

today was odd. I've felt really off all day. i think it was because i took that adderall and didn't eat before. and then i didn't eat until 5pm. i had a piece of bread with ham. then i made dinner for my friends. wheat pasta and shrimp with oil not butter. i ate a little of that, just so i didn't look weird not eating any... OHH then i had a moment of weakness. so, like i was saying I've been feeling off. so i felt like i was going to black out earlier.. so i ate two oreos. i know i should have only eaten one, but i ate two (i suck) I'm so annoyed at my lack of self control...hmph. anyway, walked 8 miles today with my friend. so, i mean i guess thats alright. i also did cardio ab insanity. (killler) insanity is amazing. but i also ate some chips when i was high. damn. i did really bad today.. I'm so annoyed. I'm waking up at 9 tomorrow to work out. i don't have class but i still have some things to do.

i feel like i have this hole inside me where my ex best friend used to be. i don't even want to begin to get into that but i need like a close friend that is a girl that i can talk to. i feel like ALL my friends are guys. and gay ones at that. i don't know i just feel like I'm missing something. hmph.

W is for Workout

soo. after my nap i went to the gym and ran 3miles (304c) then got on the elliptical for 15 min (142c) and i worked my arms a little, and did my stomach (of course) then my day carried on with taking my friends puppy on a walk. my roommate made dinner. meatloaf and potatoes and pasta and chips. i don't eat beef so i had an was an easy way out of that one. she said the potatoes were too salty so i politely agreed and didn't eat any. i ate a few chips and one bite of meatloaf (puke) just because my roommate insisted i try it. whatever.. THEN when all of her friends left i saw it. a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and of course my stupid self eats one. in like 3 bites. i couldn't stop myself. it was like i just HAD to eat it. anyway, feeling guilty i convinced my roommate to go to the gym with me. OH need i remind you i ate 200c worth of peas and corn earlier. so we went to the gym and i ran 2.5 miles and worked my stomach again (300c) bye bye doughnuts. tomorrow, I'm really going to take an adderall so after i eat breakfast i won't be hungry for the rest of the day. i go home in two weeks. fuck that. i don't really want to think about it. but, i am actually really happy that i went to the gym twice today. i want to have a good day tomorrow i really do. but its time shower and pass out, i have class at 12 and i have to get up at like 9 to start studying. I'm trying to get serious about school. so i don't look like I'm wasting everything out here in this great old state. hahaha good night ladies. stay strong xx

B. L. A. H.

skipping class again to lay in bed. well, i went for a little while but left early. I ended up sleeping in really late so I didn't take an adderall and i haven't made it to the gym. and I've eaten a bagel today so far (290c) I don't know how that makes me feel. since all I have been feeling today is sad. not even sad, just blah. I hate when I don't know what to feel. Or, I feel a certain way but I don't know what to call it. hm. I have to go to campus at 3:15ish to get my clicker. yay more walking. I'm going to make it to the gym today. preferably after my trip to campus. I haven't decided if I want to eat anything else today (no) maybe I will (you won't). every time I talk about food, a voice yells back at me. that my friends is what therapists will call your negative/distorted body image. I call it the truth. but I'm going to try to sleep for a little before I get up and start running around again

175 calorie snack

175 calorie peanut butter rice crispy treats! perfect sweet snack

2/3 cup rice krispys
1 tablespoon peanut butter

mix the two in a bowl until the peanut butter covers everything... eat with a spoon. yummy and low calorie sweet snack

blah

the rest of my day was good and bad. i pretty much blew my entire day when i binged -____________-fuck. fuck fuck. well i immediately went for a run after. whatever. i also walked 10 miles today with my friend after school. I'm so annoyed with myself. I'm never going to fucking get there. whatever. tomorrow I'm taking an adderall so i won't be eating all day. thank god. side note awesome little recipe i want to post about later. tomorrow I'm going to work out twice. once when i first get up and then again after i take my addy. my friend told me i looked thinner today, so i mean thats a plus. i have to do an ab workout before i pass out.


xx

fuck fuck fuck

i don't think my mother understands how much i do not want to come home, even if it is just for a weekend. fuck all of that. that place is nothing, nothing but a sickness. I'm going to do nothing but want to cry and kill myself. fuck that place. sometimes, i i really do scare myself. i was on the verge of a panic attack in the middle of class! because my mother was harassing me about coming back. she is so manipulative. she's got my aunt in it too. whatever. all of them can just keep the fuck away from me. i honestly cannot wait for the day i can close them all out of my life and finally be happy. maybe. well, thats what I'm hoping for. anyway, haven't had anything to eat yet. I've just been drinking water and walking everywhere. working out later tonight. I'm actually in the mood for my vegetable diet. probably going to just have some corn and then walk to school for my next class. i have to go to the bank and a few other places. and its beautiful outside. the sun is out and its in the 80s. i couldn't sit in class (math especially) and think about how much i really really really do not want to fucking go back home. i don't get why no one understands. I'm over talking about that for now. my dads wedding is going to be hard enough. if I'm going home in a few weeks I'm going to need some serious drugs. or a lot of pot. hahahaha

staystrongxx

good start to the week

my monday started off pretty good. it was beautiful outside and i woke up with enough time to go to the gym before class. ran 3 miles woohoo. my knee hurts so bad though. i need to get it looked at. so bad. whatever. i will one day. so i didn't eat all day until my friend cooked me dinner. shrimp pasta and corn. 550c for food and 243c for running. thats all. so tired all the time its annoying. whatever. my one friend will not stop calling me fat and thick and chunky and he says he's just kidding but i seriously hate it more than anything like i can't take it. i just want to cry. ugh fuck that. anyway. today i measured myself. every monday I'm going to measure myself. tomorrow I'm doing to vegetable diet. every time i eat, it has to be a vegetable. I'm going to do corn for breakfast, peas for lunch and broccoli and corn for dinner. and since my knee has been bothering me I'm going to get on the elliptical tomorrow. oh, and my friend and i are gong running tomorrow morning. so i guess I'm not really giving my knee a break. oh well. anyway, stay strong ladies

Stats

thighs: 22in.
waist: 29in.
hips: 37in.
bust: 36in.

whadddddup

thank god spring break is over. i did horrible, even though i did have a few good days. monday was bad. bad bad bad. fuck whatever. but tuesday was better. wednesday consisted of coffee and more coffee. yummy. good day. thursday was another alright night. i managed the gym wooohooo. friday i got black out wasted and puked EVERYTHING i had eaten that day. it was like a win lose situation. I'm not really sure actually. haha wow okay. saturday was another wasted night but i didn't throw up (??) today was good. I've had chicken (200c) and went to the gym and ran for 30 minutes (340c) so today was a good start to the week. I've been scaring myself lately though. like.... all i think about is food. food food food food food. what am i going to eat (what am i not going to eat) my dad asked me if i was eating the other day. yes dad... (lie) everyday (another lie) he's noticed that I've been tired lately. from over 1,000 miles away he's noticed that I've been tired. i must really suck at being sneaky (actually I'm really good at being sneaky) I'm feeling a 45 min run tomorrow morning. breakfast... i don't know too many things in my pantry, fridge, and freezer. something low calorie but yummy. womppp i don't know i don't know. i have a jacket on... its 81 outside. i am also writing with all my friends around ahh nerve-wracking but whatever i really had to write. I'm high as fuck right now. lol i wonder who else is a disordered eating stoner. thats a club me and a girl i know on tumblr created. hahaha wow what a lame thing oh well. my friend called me fat the other day. i wanted to cry right in the middle of the store...

okay so i just like got up and went into my room and locked the door hahah. I'm so ratchet. they probably think I'm smoking (my friends are some real potheads) okay anyway, i don't what else i want to write about. but i need to find a buddy. I'm a good buddy so if you need one, let me know! haha okay so I'm going to go drink some tea and enjoy my last day before college starts!

think think!

do this to take your mind off food

Age: 19


Highest Weight: 150 lbs


Lowest Weight: 101 lbs


Goal Weight: 105 lbs

Favorite Diet Food?
apples, rice, corn,



Favorite Binge Food?
pizza

Favorite Exercise?

Running, tumbling, insanity



Thinspo?

sky ferreira, chanel iman, miranda kerr



What Makes You Slip Up?

getting really high 



What Makes You Strong?

when i see that I've lost weight 



When Did It Start?

2005, but i didn't really come to terms till '07



Does Anyone Know?

my parents, my old cheerleading coach



Do You Want Help?
if you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't 



How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?

good days; 200-600 bad days; >800



What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?

a monster with the face of a fat girl 



Are You In A Relationship?

no


Is It For Attention?

oh, for sure


Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?

I’m on the thin side, but I’m not the thinnest



Are You Depressed?

I want to say no but that’s a lie



Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?

ive danced around the edge, but never had the courage to jump



Ever Been To A Psychologist?

thats not really my scene



Are You On Any Medication?

i prefer herbal healing



I AM -

[x] anorexic

[x] ednos

[ ] bulimic

[ ] living off diet pills

[x] hungry

[ x] thirsty

[ ] drinking something

[ ] eating something

[ ] under 100lbs

[x] starving myself

[ ] participating in a fast

[ ] vegan



PEOPLE -

[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic

[ ] call me fat

[x] say I’m skinny

[ ] say I’m ugly

[x] say I’m pretty - LIARS

[ x] spread rumors about me

[ ] force me to eat

[ ] say I eat too much

[x] wish I’d eat more

[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

[x] have tried to stop me

I

WISH -

[x] I was thin

[x] I had a better body

[ ] I didn’t have to eat

[x] I could control myself

[ ] I was under 100lbs

[x] I could avoid food

[ ] I could hide what I am

[x] I wasn’t fat

[x] I was prettier

[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

[x] I had a boy/girlfriend

[ ] I could disappear



I LOVE -

[x] feeling hungry

[x] seeing a difference

[x] shaking

[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)

[x] losing weight

[ ] being anorexic/bulimic

[x] green tea

[ ] diet pills

[x] being able to turn down food

[x] feeling good about myself



I HATE -

[x] when people stare

[x] being asked questions

[ ] having to eat

[ ] being single

[ ] wearing short skirts

[x] being fat

[x] looking ugly

[x] feeling this way

[ ] fat people



I NEED -

[ ] more support ****i love buddies (:

[x] people to stay out of my business

[ ] more friends

[x] someone to know

[x] less food
[x] more water

[ ] a gym membership

[ ] to lose 50 lbs

[ ] to lose 30 lb.

[ ] to lose 10lbs

one

they say fresh starts are good for the soul. sooo fresh start on my blog. i never actually remember to write because of tumblr. uhh whatever. i got a nice new journal, sparkly black. I'm sure the woman who checked me out thought i was going to use it for school... i want to start planning my meals ahead of time but by days. and as a nice side note... fuck you parents and parents friends for making me fat. you ruined me. twice. but not this time. thank god I'm in college now and i don't have to go home ANY time soon. so its back to my rules. i made there before, i can do it again. 110 I'm coming for you.