i hate weekends.

why is it that I can manage to keep it together during the week but when it comes to the weekend, I'm out of control. Friday was horrible. I don't even know how many calories I consumed. I blame my friend. She kept insisting that we go out to eat. I ruined such a great workout. I ran for an hour, did light weights, abs, and worked on my legs a lot. When I came home from the gym I was tired but I didn't want to go in the house. So i went for a two hour walk outside. But once I got home that is when the real issues started. My friend came over and said she wanted to go out to eat. So we went. And of course she was hounding me about not getting a salad and fucking fruit. To prove a point I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich on whole grain bread with tomatoes, lettuce, and provolone. and a side of fries. although I was screaming in my head not to do it- I reluctantly ate 1/2 the sandwich and all the fries. I felt repulsive. All I wanted to do was purge. But my friend is catching on. She ALWAYS wants to go out to eat. Fuck. Then later that night she decides she wants ice-cream. Need I remind you, I don't eat ice-cream anymore. So I ordered a small with rainbow sprinkles, took 5 bites then threw it away. Another point proven. The day just kept getting worse and worse. I bought a pack of cigarettes that night. I don't even smoke like that anymore. But I needed it. I was going bananas in my mind about everything I had eaten that day. Saturday (yesterday) I didn't even get to go to the gym.. I was kept out all day- eating- with friends and what not. And now I am up on this Sunday feeling as if I'm ready to blow my fucking brains out. I ate so much this weekend I feel horrible. I am a fucking failure. fuck. I'm fasting today. I have to get this shit out of my body. I have to kill myself at the gym today. there are no other options. I didn't want to wake up feeling like this. But I knew... I fucking knew this would happen if I went against every atom in my body screaming at me not to eat that shit.

wednesday and wired

i know i posted this morning but i figured id post about my day. i spent all day at the dentist office getting work done on my teeth that i ruined from my excessive purging. i took a xanny before i went to my first appointment and it went by so quick and painlessly. even though I've only been on it for two days i can tell that it works. as soon as i take one my anxiety level plummets and i feel so at ease. its amazing. at my second appointment i was feeling so relaxed that i fell asleep waiting for the doc to come in. hah only me. well i can only chew on one side of my mouth until next monday when i go back. but i am using this as a reason why i can't eat hard food. AKA i will be living off smoothies, eggs, and gerber babies. i slept for 4 hours when i finally got home from the dentist. my step mother made me come down to eat since i hadn't eaten since this morning. I had an egg white with a piece of turkey and a smoothie. i didn't go to the gym today. so i will have to double time tomorrow to make up for it. i am getting blood work tomorrow so hopefully i don't pass out at the gym. last time i got blood work i was so light headed it was awful. but on the plus side, i can't eat until after i get the work done. so I'm technically doing a 16 hour fast. i leave next week. its crazy the time has gone by so fast. I'm also on day 3 of no peanut butter. I'm not craving it either which is nice.

b: two egg whites w/ turkey & smoothie
l:
d: egg white w/ turkey & smoothie

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terrible fucking tuesday.

i was too upset to post last night. so ill do it now before i heard to the doctors. i went to the doctors yesterday pretty much by force. blah blah blah skip to me waiting for the nurse- she comes and weighs me. i of course didn't look at the scale but then she said the numbers out loud and I'm not sure what came over me. i usually control my emotions rather well but i just burst into tears. right there with her writing down my weight. i felt like a failure. i am fucking gross. she felt so bad she kept apologizing saying she didn't mean to make me upset. it was just so embarrassing and depressing. i felt so bad. but then my doctor came and i pulled it together so i could just get out of there. She wants me to try out xanax for my insomnia and anxiety. i also have to get my blood drawn. it was a pretty traumatic morning. while she was examining me she kept asking if i eat three times a day and how if i have any "depression" i lied of course and said no. i didn't feel like staying for their mini mental health exam. fuck that. i just feel so disgusting now. i hate this. & i hate myself.

tuesdays intake
B: smoothie
S:
L:salad with chicken, oranges, sunflower seeds
S: cereal
dinner: coffee

monday- moderation

haven't posted all weekend. sorry about it. Saturday I ran errands and went to visit my mother since mothers day was sunday. We shopped all day for running shoes workout shorts and coffee mugs. thats exactly what i got. i was surprised yet happy to know i still fit into size small shorts. Well Sunday I went to a buffet thing with my mom. God so much food there but I tried to get by with looking as normal as possible. I had an omelette with spinach, tomato, eggplant, and cheese. Then I ate a giant plate of fruit that included everything from blackberries to bananas. And for dessert I had a whole wheat pancake with dark chocolate chips and bananas. I felt bad but I wanted prove to myself that I can still enjoy food. I didn't eat sunday because I felt bad about eating so much saturday. Today- was actually a really good day. I saw some old friends and attempted to keep my intake low. We shall see shortly. I am also giving up peanut butter this week. Extra calories I really don't need.


B: smoothie 160c
S: 1 slice bread with turkey 75c
L: apple, grapes, 1/2 cliff bar 200c
D: veggies, chicken, sweet potato 180c
---615----

ran for an hour, weights, abs, elliptical for 45

i don't know how that makes me feel. Besides tired. So much work ahead of me. i need to get up early and its 2am. and i don't see myself going to sleep anytime soon. I really need to go to the gym.

Fucked up Fridays

So I didn't post yesterday. I forgot since I stayed over my friends for the night. But intake was sucky. I didn't eat too much during the day (cereal, eggs, applesauce pouch, chicken wrap) but at Friends I basically binged. She kept giving me food and insisting I eat blah blah blah. So I did. I felt gross. So this morning when I woke up I had an apple and banana for breakfast. Then went to the gym for two hours. And let me tell you I am so sore it's unreal. I feel like I can't move. Afterwards, my friend and I went to sushi. I don't even know how many calories I consumed. But I purged after. I have been doing so good but I felt so repulsive. I had to. In the sushi restaurant bathroom too. I wouldn't be surprised if someone heard me although I have almost mastered the art of a silent purge. Almost. Lets see. Then later in the day my family wanted to go to dinner so we did. I had chicken but I took about two bites then put the rest in a to go bag. Ill feed it to the stray cats outside tomorrow. It is storming like crazy outside my plans got cancelled so I'm in the house not sure whether I should sleep or stay awake. I feel shitty since I broke my purge free streak. I mean damn- i was doing so well. Oh well. It was bound to happen eventually 

wet wednesday

It stormed on and off all day. It was sad, but refreshing. I managed to get up this morning, I went to sleep at like 10 and got up at 7:30. I had another dentist apt. so many teeth and jaw problems but that is my own fault.. but i can't dwell on it now. My intake was eh today. I feel like I snacked a lot in the afternoon. I had a gerber pouch before my apt around 8:20 then didn't eat again until i got home from the gym at 5. I was very productive though. I only had to work for about 3 hours then was allowed to go. So I ran some errands I needed to get done then went to the gym. I also completed all of my coursework for the semester. Except one final I have Friday. It's so great to be finished. This semester went by so fast. I feel like this year is flying right past us. I think I'm going to do a little bit of ab work before I go to bed. I feel so repulsive.

Breakfast: Gerber pouch 50c
Lunch:
Dinner: egg white omelet 89c, grapes 45c
After workout snack: smoothie 193c
Other snacks: raisin bar 70c, grapes 30c, crackers wil pb 165

-----642-----
treadmill for an hour abs and weights sauna

tuesday blues

today has been rather uneventful. its sad and dreary outside so naturally all i wanted to do was stay in bed. Unfortunately I had a hard time waking up for work and i was late (again). God I seriously need to get my shit together. Visited my grandmother after work. She asked me why I looked like I haven't slept in days. I told her about how I have been beyond tired recently and now she is demanding I go take a blood test. She wants to be make sure I don't have mono and check my iron levels. blah blah blah. i don't really want to do it. But I feel like i have to. She threatened to call my father. So to avoid involving him in this little charade I will get blood work... (eventually). I did pretty well food wise today. I am actually sitting here eating my dinner and typing. egg white omelet and grapes. I decided to have a bigger dinner since I kept my cal intake low today and pretty much killed myself at the gym today. I am beyond sore. But its so necessary. I leave in two weeks and I know I'm no where near where I wanted to be. Im repulsive. honestly.

Breakfast: apple/banana smoothie 150c
Lunch:
Dinner: egg white omelet with cheese & turkey 111c/ 12 grapes 36c
Snacks: gerber baby pouch 50c/ 1/2cup blackberries 34c
----381-----

manic Mondays

I don't know how to explain how I feel. It's like one minute everything is fine and next I'm completely falling apart. I just get so frustrated with myself. why is nothing I ever do good enough for anyone. I don't feel like getting into that right now because I just want to sleep. Last night I passed out as soon as I laid down. And then it took me almost two hours to get out of bed this morning. I was 15 minutes late to work and then on my break I fell asleep for another hour. I don't know why I'm so tired. But it's making it hard to function. I forced myself to run for an hour. Then do some weights and ab work. I was literally half asleep at the gym. I wanted to run with my eyes closed but that is a lot harder than it looks (ha) I've also found a new food. It's the Gerber organic baby food. it comes in a pouch and its delicious. Only 50 calories, no fat, and barely any sugar or carbs. The best part it comes in a million different flavors. There are fruit veggie and grain flavors. I decided I'm going to live off then this summer. Since ill be staying in hotels every week I won't be able to make my smoothies. And I sure as hell won't be eating fast food every night. I've complied a list of safe foods that can travel with me this summer. It's like every week I find another safe food that can travel. I don't know if I should be eating baby food or not but I am. I think I want to liquid diet for 3 days. But I'll need to go to the grocery for greens to blend. Hm. Here are today's tracks. I didn't calculate calories although I should have..




Breakfast: strawberry/ banana smoothie


Lunch:

Dinner: Gerber pouch, 5 saltines with peanut butter

Snacks: 3 blackberries, 10 grapes

today

i was advised to try eating 6 small meals a day. hm. its hard

Breakfast: applesauce pouch 60c

Snack: Lunch: apple/ banana smoothie 292c

Snack:

Dinner: egg white omelet & strawberries 156c

Snack:

----508c------



1hr run (5mph) -508c ab circuit/weights

well todays final intake was 0. Not sure how to feel about it. I do know however that i feel like a 0. A failure. I have so many things to say but I'm not sure how I want to word them.