01

the past two days have been good, surprisingly. two good days in a row doesn't usually happen to me. i went grocery shopping monday and it wasn't as hard as normal. since my roommate was with me, she kind of knows i get.. antsy at the grocery. so she doesn't rush me or comment on things i get (or don't get) its nice that way. but I'm getting up early as shit tomorrow to study for about 4 hours before class. i have been focusing a lot on going to school and going to the gym. i spent 2 hours studying on the elliptical today 3 yesterday. both of those things really take my mind off eating. bout today i ate an apple for breakfast, chicken and corn for dinner. not too bad. i still haven't gotten on my scale. i am just waiting it out. i need to get on it. soon, but not yet. i don't know. i just know I'm going to be so unhappy with what i see. but at the same time, part of me is hoping it will be surprisingly low. its kind of up in the air.

0

uhhhh i hate that i don't post everyday. I'm seriously going to work on it. but this weekend was great. friday i stayed under 400c and saturday i had an apple and some pretzels in the morning. and then saturday night i went out, and got drunk super fast from not really eating the past few days. i had a great night out and a lot of people told me i looked thin and pretty. it was encouraging. but this morning when i woke up i heard my roommate and her boy toy talking about me (awkward) he asked her why there was a sticky note on the fridge that said 'you don't want it' and she told him that I'm obsessed with losing weight. yes, i put a sticky note on our fridge and one inside the pantry, just as some inspiration not to eat anything.. ha ha. but i really do not appreciate her telling him that. mainly because he asked me a few weeks ago why i didn't like myself. my reply: a lot of reasons. oh whatever, it could always be worse. i have such a long day tomorrow its unreal. oh! i totally forgot, saturday night my costume was low around the waist so you could see the scars on my hips. i mean i usually don't care when people see my scars but some of them were new-ish so it was just kind of weird having my friends look at me, look at my scars, look back at me... you get the point. the funny thing though, they all stared, but no one said anything. i mean hey, the less questions, the better

i haven't stood on my scale but i feel lighter. my collar/hip bones are showing a bit more and my tummy is flatter. i know I'm losing, i just don't know how much. not enough of course. never enough. we're going grocery shopping tomorrow (fuck) because we literally have no food. i like it like this but i have to be mindful i live with two other girls that have a normal relationship with food. ha. i need to make a list before i go to sleep tonight. fruit and vegetables only. i swear i could stay up all night looking at healthy recipes, food thats help you lose weight, blah blah blah shit like that. i know you all like to do the same thing. its addicting. sigh i need to get my life together and finish getting ready for tomorrow.
until then xx

thursday

fasted all day. tons of coffee though. I had classes in the morning and after I got home I literally slept until 10. it was a lovely, peaceful sleep. when I woke up I went to the gym, came home and showered and now I'm back in bed. my productive morning turned into to a lazy night. it was nice though so I can't complain. tomorrow is going to be a very, very long day. this weekend is going to be long. it's Halloween weekend so my friends and I are going out friday (after i work) and Saturday and Sunday i have a dinner to go to. I want to get out of that though. I don't feel like dealing with all of that anxiety. and stress. I'm already stressed out enough.



I have come to this conclusion that my self hatred and anxiety is debilitating. every time I do something there is this voice in my head telling me how awful I look or how wrong and unintelligent I am. first, in class today my professor asked me a question and when everyone turned to look at me I could not function. I stumbled over my words and just sounded absolutely ridiculous. and the thing is, I never used to be like that. I have always hated public speaking but I used to be pretty damn good at it. now, I can barely get a sentence out. part of it, I know I just need to relax but it's so hard. I feel as if I'm constantly on the verge of tears. that.. or about ready to kill myself.

tuesday night fades to wednesday morning

today has been pretty good. went to both of my classes and now I'm out looking for a Halloween costume. except I'm waiting for my friend right now, hence why I'm posting. I've had 1/2 a Luna bar today. im going to the gym later and I'm not sure if I'll eat again today.


that was the first half of my post from earlier today. but I had a lettuce wrap for dinner. and 2 hours in the gym. I feel a bit tighter today. especially in my stomach area. I also went tanning today. I got burnt a little bit but I still had fun. tanning always makes me happy. I have so much work to accomplish over the next few days I don't really know where to begin. it's like there is so much stress and confusion inside my head but you would never be able to tell from the outside. I swear I post about this all the time but I just wonder how I keep it together all the time. regardless its 2am and I have to wake up at 7. run errands and go to the gym before 1 o'clock when I have class. after class all afternoon I'm meeting my friend downtown and after that my roommate and I are working out together. and somewhere between all that I have to fit in an essay, a research project, and not to mention my regular nightly homework. pretty much will be running on coffee tomorrow. I love college, I really do. but sometimes it's just so tiring

monday

i haven't been written in awhile, I've been occupied with other things. this weekend was long and crazy. and i don't really feel like going into detail. saturday night though i got drunk and tried to drink a beer and ended up throwing up for almost 2 hours.. (i hate beer and have never been able to drink it) but i mean at least all that alcohol and food i had eaten that day is gone. but i will never attempt to drink beer again.

on another note, I'm kind of sick. my throat hurts and I'm beyond tired. but I'm pretty much always beyond tired. I'm using the 'my throat hurts' excuse to get out of eating today. that is always the only good thing about being sick, the lack of eating. i should start getting ready for class even though i honestly don't want to go. *sigh*

I'm sorry i have been sucking at writing lately. i will get it together soon.

snippet

up and at it again today. I'm relatively shocked at myself for getting up early again. i seem to have been in a sleeping coma for the past week or so. i want to weigh myself so bad its almost making me crazy. but i need to resist until friday. i know I'm going to hate what i see, i always do. but i want to get out of the habit of weighing myself 3-4 times a day.. I didn't eat until dinner time. i had rice with corn mushrooms & broccoli. and the gym of course. I'm so tired I can barely type. I saw the guy today I have been talking to recently. I don't know what to make of him. I have a lot to tell about but it will have to wait until tomorrow. good night lovelys

irrelevance

i was up early again this morning, but for class this time. yesterday i didn't eat until dinner. we ended up having chicken and corn instead of salad. we're having that tonight. its taken me all day to eat this Luna bar.. I started eating it this morning, sat it on my desk in class, debating on whether or not to take a bite. girl who always stares at me that i posted about before watched me the whole time. of course, i decided against eating it. i just didn't feel like being stared at.. so i waited until i got home to eat the rest. my friend told me she wanted to be "tiny like me" i couldn't help but laugh, out loud at her. probably not the best idea, but it was just the funniest thing I've heard all day. Tiny.. what i wouldn't give to be that.

i feel like when i write i just go off onto random tangents.. regardless i started thinking about my food journal and about the rules that i have for myself.
-no more than 500c a day
-no eating past 11pm
-no sugar in coffee
-no cookies, candy, chocolate, cakes, fried food, or fast food
-no more than 2 cups of rice a week
-no bread
-no pasta

i could go on and on and on. when did my life become so dictated by food.. i swear sometimes i become so obsessed with food and calories and my weight its scary. sometimes i can't even control myself.

monday morning

its monday morning and i don't have class until one.. but i am up. i drove my friend to campus this morning so i might as well stay up for the rest of the day. just drinking my morning coffee, typing away on this keyboard.. I'm surprisingly not as tired as i usually am. I'm going to do some cardio and abs then shower and study till i have to go to class. i don't even want to stand on my scale. so i won't. not until i feel like i should. which won't be at all today. i don't want to depress myself more by knowing how fat i actually am.
i think I'm going to eat some grapes for breakfast after i shower and then not eat again until dinner. We're having salads for dinner tonight. Every night of the week we (my roommates and i) have dinner together. something healthy of course. i think my self hatred is beginning to rub off on them. i know that when I'm in the kitchen i talk aloud (to myself) telling myself i shouldn't eat this or i can't have that or my thighs will become massive if i eat whatever it is I'm not eating. and now, my roommates want to go to the gym with my everyday, and they keep calling themselves fat and blah blah blah blah. i know they just want to lose weight but i have to lose weight. its the only way. i just feel bad though, i never meant for them to start emulating me. I'm going to have to be more careful about what i say out loud. ill just have to keep more inside, how joyous. another anchor to slowly drown me. don't get me wrong, i love having someone come to the gym with me but i don like hearing my roommates turn into those girls that repeatedly comment how fat they are, and how they need to diet. i at least contain myself to the kitchen, and my own mind.

weekend

this weekend was long. and tiring. all day friday i stayed in my apartment. i didn't feel like dealing with anyone or doing anything. the only time i left was to go to the gym. i don't know. i have just been so down lately. and i really hate it. saturday i wanted to sleep all day but my roommate forced me to go out with her. she keeps complaining that i am spending too much time in the house. I'm sorry that every time i leave my apartment, all i can do is be paranoid about how i look and hate myself. but reluctantly i went out with her. we went to our friends apartment. as soon as we got there i got started drinking. one drink turned into two. two turned into some shots and next thing i know I'm drunk. at least i wasn't feeling shy anymore. hah.. and that guy that i have been posting about was there. he came to my apartment later in the night to talk and what not. apparently he has been having panic attacks.. and i told him how i have them and about how i used to take medicine for it. i don't know, i think this guy is almost like the less fucked up guy version on me. i don't know i still am iffy about him. but anyway, saturday was good. I'm glad i went out. i used to go out so much and actually be social but its just so hard these days. i haven't really been eating this weekend. just fruit, peanut butter, things like that. except today i ordered food with my roommates because they wanted to have a movie day. so i did... and i ate it all.. i felt so guilty. i have been cutting more recently. I've just been feeling so awful and guilty.. and every time i eat something i shouldn't.. thats one. mostly on my hips. i can't do too much damage on my arms without causing attention. i don't know why i even started this again. its been so long. this is how i know I'm fucked up. because when i used to cut myself.. i was really fucked up. sometimes i do scare myself. and then other times i feel like I'm just complaining too much. i just want to sleep for a very, very long time. and when i finally wake up, everything is better.

i hate myself for being so weak. weak and fat.

temporary lapse of judgement

last night i had a temporary lapse of judgement and i told one of my guy friends about my issues with food. the funny thing is.. he didn't really care. he was more concerned with my not cutting myself than anything else. probably because I'm too fat to even look like i have a problem. I was slightly upset because i almost thought he was going to be the one to shake my by my shoulders and tell me that I'm worth it and i don't have to starve myself to see that. but no, so here i am. still waiting for the day someone will actually care about me. i hate this. i really do. not eating today, i can't go into the kitchen without being disgusted by all the food we have. today is definitely a coffee kind of day. regardless, my stomach is starting to thin out again. i can see my ribs when i lift my shirt up. hip bones when i pull my pants down. bones are a marker that you're beginning to win the race, but I've only begun.

five days

the past 5 days have been out of control crazy. i hung out with my mom everyday and got water every night. i was a mess, hence why i haven't written in so long. my mother took me grocery shopping.. it was hard but i just sucked it up and did it. her and her friend kept talking about me as we walked up and down every isle and i passed all the foods i used to eat. my mom kept asking me to get stuff and I'm just like no.. i don't really eat that. she kept telling me how thin i am and how I'm turning into 'nothing' hahah what a beautiful thing to be, nothing. i couldnt help but laugh to myself.. I'm everything but thin. I'm massive. i ate a lot while she was here. every time she wanted to go out for lunch or cook me dinner i nodded my head and ate what was on my plate. i am however, feeling the results of that. I've had a stomach ache for two days from eating food my body hasn't processed in months. its okay though, it will go away. going to the gym after i write this. I'm ready to get back on track. luna bar for breakfast today... and tuna with salt & pepper for lunch. were having tilapia, corn, and roasted potatoes for dinner tonight. sigh. oh the boy that I've been referring to in posts past, we hung out everyday over my break. i don't know what that means, but he is really sweet, kind of. i haven't stood on my scale in forever... i know I'm going to dread what i see. but i going to stand on it tomorrow. i have goals to accomplish.

day one

my mother came to my job. I'm not going to lie, it is really nice to see her. i fucking miss that woman. i am trying very hard to stay 100% positive and be as nice to her as i can. she wants to take me shopping and can i just say i am not ready for that. i can't try on clothes i just can't do that. I'm not ready yet. she made me have dinner with her and i ate a salad with broccoli, ate it all and she goes 'wow thats the most I've seen you eat in months' ...thanks mom. i don't know, its like she knows but she just doesn't say anything. I'm going to go to the gym after i write this and work out till i feel like passing out. my mom thinks i am at school getting tutored. i am such a bitch sometimes but i feel like if i told my mom that she couldn't come over yet because i wanted to work out she would probably get mad. i don't know.
i don't know has become my answer for everything. goodness. I'm not eating today unless my mom tries to take me somewhere. I'm going to stand on my scale before i go so ill post about that nonsense later.
xx

good, bad, and in between

officially on my fall break! which means a week off classes. which means my mother will be arriving soon. which means welcome back mentally unstable me. speaking of unstable i almost had a panic attack in my second class today. it was terrible i couldn't speak or do anything except turn really red and shake. it would have been embarrassing but no one was paying attention to me, except my professor. he was just giving me this look like "i feel sorry for whatever is bothering you" he is always giving me those looks. and asking me if I'm alright.. whats bothering me... blah blah blah. nothing (everything) is always my answer. but regardless as soon as class was over i came home even though i have one more class i just couldn't stop shaking... so here i am started my fall break early.. I'm excited to not have class because i really do need a break. although i am going to tell my mom i have class tomorrow so she doesn't think she is going to be spending all day with me. I'm happy that i get to see her, but i really don't want to deal with crazy psycho bitch that lives inside her. you see, my mother is very, very angry. and she always takes that out on me. always has, and always will. she takes all of her resentment, frustration, anger, and sadness out on me and i will say that is part of the reason i am so fucked up. the other part would be my fathers doing, but i don't want to get into that.. not yet at least. i haven't eaten yet today. i probably won't eat today. i just don't want to. and since my mother is going to be around she is going to make me eat so.. every chance I'm not with her, I'm going to take that time to not eat and workout.
so today in one of my classes wee had to go up to the board and write things about our bodies that we've learned thorough time. things like being tan, tall, wearing make up shit like that. so many people wrote being thin that it started a conversation about eating disorders, and there i was sitting next to the girl that cuts herself and she looks over at me and gives me the 'i know' look. & let me tell you about girl who cuts herself.. she has scars from her wrist to elbow, in every direction. and ever since she saw my scars one day in class, she has been sitting next to me ever since. she always gives me looks when i come in with long sleeves, assuming I've done some damage to myself in days past. but i don't really cut anymore. i haven't in awhile. but anyway, girl who cuts herself has seen me writing in my food journal in class before. i don't really care that she knows, i mean what is she going to do. but it was just awkward having her give me that i know your secret look in class. i mean.. if you looked at me i don't think you would think i have a problem. i think i play it off pretty damn well.

class ..

it's only 3:45 and I've already cried about 4 times today. I'm just so emotional it's really beginning to annoy me. I'm actually in class right now not paying any attention (clearly) but well what can you do. I've had a banana with peanut butter and a few grapes. doing good. gym after this class and I'm going to do an insanity video. I just want to sleep but I have about 7 hours worth of homework plus a paper to write tonight. I haven't weighed myself today but my roommate told me I looked really skinny today. that's always good! I'm going to wait y til tomorrow to weigh myself. hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised and wake up tomorrow skinny but that's doubtful okay I'm done rambling for now. time to attempt to pay attention

Rant.. and some boy stuff

one of my friends came over yesterday after i got out of class with pizza and candy and movies so we watched.. i ate a piece of pizza to avoid any real questioning. but i felt so bad after that i had to purge. for the first time in months... i hated it, but i felt 100 times better after just knowing that i didn't have that greasy food inside of me. still feeling bad this morning i did two insanity videos and went for a run. i have to work today which is good. i haven't eaten yet, but i already now what I'm going to have. 1/2 of a banana with peanut butter. and I'm going to eat the other half once i get home from work if I'm hungry. i have been so stressed out recently i almost can't stand it. stressed.. depressed. i don't know you. i slept for almost 12 hours last night and didn't go to my class this morning. and the crazy thing is.. I'm still tired. thats what my life has become. don't eat.. work out till you throw up or pass out.. get used to being tired. always fucking tired. i don't know. i just wish i wasn't fat. i wish that i wasn't such a fuck up. i just want to be good enough for once in my life.

and now switching topics completely because i don't want to bore everyone with my sob stories.. again. that boy i posted about earlier came to my house last night, just to hang out. he is very similar to me its kind of crazy. he is kind of crazy. but i like that. and i like him. not like that, just as a new friend. a new friend that i kiss. haha oh well, it happens. i need to shower and start my day, so until then
xx