failures.

all day i have been obsessing about how much I've eaten. I spent a majority of the day in the company of people. people who push plates of food at me. I didn't eat till I got home at noon (I left my house at 4:15am) killed myself at the gym after I got off work. ran for an hour and a half lifted, worked core, legs, and more cardio. my post workout meal included a bowl of oatmeal with 1 tb pb, cinnamon, and a cut up apple then one egg sunny side up, an additional egg white and a piece of toast. my father forced me to eat every bite. I fought back tears because I don't eat bread and I don't eat egg yolks. I used to love sunny side up eggs (pre ed) and now they make me sick. so after my traumatizing morning I retreated into my bedroom and did an insanity video. Later that afternoon I went to see a friend and she insisted we go to dinner. so we went to her favorite Peruvian resturant where I had grilled chicken with green beans and carrots with corn on the side. I also had a small side salad as a starter. I didn't eat all of it but I ate a good portion. this is the same friend whos version of 'confronting' me about my 'issues' was telling me that I looked sick but if I wanted to talk she'd listen. ha ha god. then to make it worse she insisted on taking me to Starbucks (& ordering for me) a drink with AT LEAST 500c. so the whole way home I was calculating how much I would have to run to burn off today's failures. lets just say I'm going to be running for awhile. 

i didnt have to work today so that means i have no desire to leave my house. let alone get out of bed. I'm just tired. I feel that I’m heading toward that vacant space in my mind I desperately try to keep sealed.
for breakfast I had a cup of coffee and 1/2 an apple.
my pre workout meal was another cup of coffee and oatmeal with 1 tb peanut butter, cinnamon, a few almonds and the other half of my apple. i think once i get to the gym i will feel better although im going to have to actually be sociable with my co workers. in addition to not wanting to go anywhere i dont want to talk to anyone.

being told I look tired has to be one of the worst statements ever. aside from being called fat. my life is in the shitter. I am in the midst of an emotional tornado. too many emotions. too much to say.  no one to say it too. my best friend tried to kill herself Saturday. and man that has really been fucking with me. the guilt and anger are slowly eating me alive. aside from that there has been my usual emotional turmoil. I met a boy. we went on our second date yesterday. he's sweet. kind of an asshole but sweet. he asked me why I don't eat. got. what a great second date topic. I just brushed it off. like always. while we're on the topic of food- let's talk about how a guy I work with called me "meaty". what does that even mean.. well it meant that I had to take a 10 min break to bawl my eyes out in my car. as if I don't feel shitty enough about my body lets add comments from the opposite sex. man. fuck. I don't know.  I'm a mess. a complete fucking disaster. but I play it off so well. I'm so good I almost scare myself. 

sunday

i woke up this morning annoyed. with family, with my reflection, with my life. I'm having coffee for breakfast and plan on staying in my room for a majority of the day. i dont really want to interact with anyone today. i dont want to end up being a bitch like i usually am. i hate that my mood is so up and down. everyday its something different. something that either sets me off or send me into a pile a of tears. i feel as if i ramble about this everyday. on another note i want to lose 3.5lbs this week. i want to hit my first october goal. i'm going to the grocery at some point this week. ill post my list once i finish making it. i always have this love/hate relationship with the grocery store. i have talked about this numerous times on here but im going to reiterate. i love looking at all the different foods, smelling all the different smells, and seeing what other people buy. but at the same time i hate it because going there gives me such anxiety. its like sensory overload and i try to get fear foods and expand my food repertoire.. then i just end up putting it all back and sticking to my safe foods. its hard. i remember when eggs used to be a fear for me. i would not touch them. and i hated how they smelled. it took me a good year to finally be able to eat eggs. well, egg whites. i still cant eat the yolk. but i believe that every step is progress. well- until later

xx

hiatus

and just like that, October has crept up on me. Quick little catch up on what I have been up to. I am back home now. I got a job at the gym I work out at (how perfect). I am back in school (online classes of course) and I am still in a rut. I havent been on the scale in a few weeks. Restricting and binging and exercising till I nearly die is an everyday thing. Well, the binging is mostly a saturday kind of thing. I almost passed out at the gym on Friday. Thank god I didn't. Since I know everyone that works there it would have even been more mortifying. Getting out of bed in the morning is becoming a struggle. I was doing pretty good for awhile when I first returned. I thought I was bad then- I hadnt seen anything yet. I have these moments where everything is fine and dandy. and then next thing I know- I'm ready to rip everyones head off and shoot myself. I am an emotional roller coaster. An emotional mess.