over this and it's only the second day

just about ready to kill myself. or have an extreme anxiety attack. left for my new training job, and it's hard work definitely. basically 8 hours a day of sweating. but I haven't been to the gym in 3 days and I'm pretty much going crazy. I can feel myself getting fatter. I'm going absolutely insane and no one has noticed. the hotel im at has no gym and im pretty much in the middle of no where. I guess I can do insanity but I really just need to run. run until I can't anymore. I'm pretty much just rambling but I honestly just feel so awful I hate this. I hate being fat. I hate being me.

quick

breakfast: rice
lunch: larabar
dinner: rice

ran for an hour then got on the elliptical for 45. so today was a decent day. leaving for my job today! pretty much done packing too thank god. I packed my scale and my roommate was like are you really that anal that you have to bring that. me: ....yes
haha oh well. but I just wanted to write a little. I'm so tired and I have to be up early.
xx stay strong

it hurt but less now

my ex- that I can't get over and he wants me back- told his friend that I got fat. over it. over him. permanently. when I found out last night I of course, had a panic attack and cried myself to sleep. but I woke up this morning, and smoked a blunt word my roommate so right now I just don't care. well see though, well see whose fat. yesterday I had chex mix in the afternoon and chicken for dinner. ran and did insanity. today I've had steamed veggies and rice. I'm going to go run later. but until then I'm going to sit outside and enjoy my coffee on this pretty day

i don't even know how to explain this feeling.

rice

today was good I guess. worked all day. I ate chex mix before work (yum) then had rice and corn for dinner when I got home. I went to the gym after I ate. ran 5 miles then did an ab circuit. my knee is so messed up. I need to just go home and get surgery, but I have no time. so I will just suffer in silence. it's so hard to work out with a torn meniscus. but whatever. I was almost manic today now that I think about it. I was bouncing off the walls with energy. and of course I can't sleep right now. issues. I'm so excited that I'm finally going to get coffee materials tomorrow so I can go back to living off coffee. yes yes yes tomorrow will be good. after I go to the gym of course. I need to get on here from my computer so I can see what everyone is up to. I need a buddy or something. someone who doesn't mind to listen to me complain about food to them. so if that's you, let me know. (but really) sigh I guess I should attempt to sleep. but I already know this will be me rolling around in bed for 5 hours. stay strong xx

there's a first time for everything

purged for the first time in years.... i ate everything today. I just couldn't stop. it was awful. and I just felt so bad I had to do it. I didn't know what else to do.. I don't know how I feel about it. bad because I told myself I would never do that again. but good because I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I let ALL that stay in me. well now I'm drinking more water than thought possible. I want to cleanse my system out.
I have to actually be productive and get shit accomplished the next 3 days. so no more staying in bed all day. whatever. back to bed, stay strong. good night

4 day review

it's 2:30 in the morning on Sunday morning. I'm sore. and tired. it's so hard to get out of bed. I don't know what's wrong (aside from the usual) with me but I'm sad and lethargic. I'm in my new apartment! it's great. it was hard since me and my friend moved everything by ourselves. keep in mind i live on the 3rd floor, moved to 3rd floor of another building. And there isnt an elevator. stress. great workout though. we have pretty much have no food. peanut butter and corn haha. and I'm not going shopping since I'm leaving Thursday. so I'll be living off salad take out and peanut butter >_< mmm everyone keeps giving me weird looks. I'm not sure what it is but it's something. getting up at 9 tomorrow to go to the gym. blah. my knew hurts but whatever.

coffee > food

Breakfast: coffee Lunch: corn and rice Dinner: corn & rice Snacks: coffee, coffee, coffee today was a pretty good day. i made corn and rice in the early afternoon. 1/2 for lunch, the other half for dinner. I wanted to write yesterday, but of course i forgot. i started my monday off right with bootcamp. it kicked my ass. i nearly passed out. today i ran for an hour and did this insane ab circuit. I'm SORE. but sore is good. definitely sore. i leave for training for my second job next week. excited, nervous, scared. i get to travel every week, after training, so theres a good reason good reason not to eat. not that ill really need one, I'm going to be traveling alone a lot and staying in hotels. living off fruit, hotel gyms, and good books. sounds like my kind of summer. i still haven't moved. they keep delaying my move date because they SUCK. "they" being my apartment complex. anyway, enough rambling. i haven't been on the scale in awhile. I'm scared. so i just stare at myself in the mirror morning and night, deciding if I've gotten thinner or not. usually not though.

womp

it's 3am. I'm getting up at 8 to workout. I'm addicted to the treadmill. honestly it's my bestfriend. I got called skin and bones today by my boss. it was I don't know, encouraging. and then my friend told me today that I looked thin. tomorrow is 1/2 apple for breakfast. after the gym. frozen yogurt with my friend for lunch and salad with chicken for dinner. I feel like I don't ever eat. unless I'm high. I suck at quitting smoking weed. whatever. my roommate has got me weighing myself everyday recently. crazy. I feel like I have to much left to accomplish. I've come so far but not even far enough. I'm just high and rambling on about things no one cares about. I'm going to go to sleep.
xx think thin