question

does this happen to anyone else..
when i dont eat all day then i decide to eat, i feel sick. like stomach ache nauseous sick.. i wonder if that happens to anyone besides me. it just makes me want to not eat, ever.
For example, I havent really eaten all day and I just made some oatmeal and I literally cannot eat it. I feel as if I'm going to throw up.

that was just my question for you guys today.

I woke up at 6 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. so naturally I decide to go to the gym. I did a cycling class today and honestly I've fallen in love. I could cycle everyday. and I just might. I binged this weekend. I swear it's like an every weekend thing. starve during the week binge on the weekends. sick but semi true. regardless of my weekly binges I am back on track with my workouts. my stomach is getting pretty lean and my hands are getting veiny. slow but steady progress. I try to remember patience is a virtue but I'm. so. damn. impatient. on a side note I'm really bloated right now from basically going calorie crazy with my brother today. he just kept insisting I eat this and try that. sure why not... eating with people to avoid suspicion is making me day. I have a week of hardwork in front of me but thankfully my house will be empty for an entire week starting Wednesday. Wednesday also starts my second cleanse. did one last week- lost 3lbs but binged over the weekend and haven't gotten on the scale since so I'm sure I ruined that one. sigh. I'm off to bed working at the crack or dawn literally kills me. stay strong. xx 

how has it already been so long since I last wrote. clearly I've been living under a rock. or something. but today my father told me that I don't eat. he actually told me that I eat air if you wanted me to be specific. I'm not really sure what he is getting at by telling me that. almost saying it in a joking way. I don't think it's funny.. regardless I spent this weekend not working out and eating everything in sight. I'm going to do a 3 day cleanse starting Monday to get this shit out of me. I feel repulsive. I have really isolated myself this weekend. and week. everyone's shit is just making me crazy. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone for awhile. 

failures.

all day i have been obsessing about how much I've eaten. I spent a majority of the day in the company of people. people who push plates of food at me. I didn't eat till I got home at noon (I left my house at 4:15am) killed myself at the gym after I got off work. ran for an hour and a half lifted, worked core, legs, and more cardio. my post workout meal included a bowl of oatmeal with 1 tb pb, cinnamon, and a cut up apple then one egg sunny side up, an additional egg white and a piece of toast. my father forced me to eat every bite. I fought back tears because I don't eat bread and I don't eat egg yolks. I used to love sunny side up eggs (pre ed) and now they make me sick. so after my traumatizing morning I retreated into my bedroom and did an insanity video. Later that afternoon I went to see a friend and she insisted we go to dinner. so we went to her favorite Peruvian resturant where I had grilled chicken with green beans and carrots with corn on the side. I also had a small side salad as a starter. I didn't eat all of it but I ate a good portion. this is the same friend whos version of 'confronting' me about my 'issues' was telling me that I looked sick but if I wanted to talk she'd listen. ha ha god. then to make it worse she insisted on taking me to Starbucks (& ordering for me) a drink with AT LEAST 500c. so the whole way home I was calculating how much I would have to run to burn off today's failures. lets just say I'm going to be running for awhile. 

i didnt have to work today so that means i have no desire to leave my house. let alone get out of bed. I'm just tired. I feel that I’m heading toward that vacant space in my mind I desperately try to keep sealed.
for breakfast I had a cup of coffee and 1/2 an apple.
my pre workout meal was another cup of coffee and oatmeal with 1 tb peanut butter, cinnamon, a few almonds and the other half of my apple. i think once i get to the gym i will feel better although im going to have to actually be sociable with my co workers. in addition to not wanting to go anywhere i dont want to talk to anyone.

being told I look tired has to be one of the worst statements ever. aside from being called fat. my life is in the shitter. I am in the midst of an emotional tornado. too many emotions. too much to say.  no one to say it too. my best friend tried to kill herself Saturday. and man that has really been fucking with me. the guilt and anger are slowly eating me alive. aside from that there has been my usual emotional turmoil. I met a boy. we went on our second date yesterday. he's sweet. kind of an asshole but sweet. he asked me why I don't eat. got. what a great second date topic. I just brushed it off. like always. while we're on the topic of food- let's talk about how a guy I work with called me "meaty". what does that even mean.. well it meant that I had to take a 10 min break to bawl my eyes out in my car. as if I don't feel shitty enough about my body lets add comments from the opposite sex. man. fuck. I don't know.  I'm a mess. a complete fucking disaster. but I play it off so well. I'm so good I almost scare myself. 

sunday

i woke up this morning annoyed. with family, with my reflection, with my life. I'm having coffee for breakfast and plan on staying in my room for a majority of the day. i dont really want to interact with anyone today. i dont want to end up being a bitch like i usually am. i hate that my mood is so up and down. everyday its something different. something that either sets me off or send me into a pile a of tears. i feel as if i ramble about this everyday. on another note i want to lose 3.5lbs this week. i want to hit my first october goal. i'm going to the grocery at some point this week. ill post my list once i finish making it. i always have this love/hate relationship with the grocery store. i have talked about this numerous times on here but im going to reiterate. i love looking at all the different foods, smelling all the different smells, and seeing what other people buy. but at the same time i hate it because going there gives me such anxiety. its like sensory overload and i try to get fear foods and expand my food repertoire.. then i just end up putting it all back and sticking to my safe foods. its hard. i remember when eggs used to be a fear for me. i would not touch them. and i hated how they smelled. it took me a good year to finally be able to eat eggs. well, egg whites. i still cant eat the yolk. but i believe that every step is progress. well- until later

xx

hiatus

and just like that, October has crept up on me. Quick little catch up on what I have been up to. I am back home now. I got a job at the gym I work out at (how perfect). I am back in school (online classes of course) and I am still in a rut. I havent been on the scale in a few weeks. Restricting and binging and exercising till I nearly die is an everyday thing. Well, the binging is mostly a saturday kind of thing. I almost passed out at the gym on Friday. Thank god I didn't. Since I know everyone that works there it would have even been more mortifying. Getting out of bed in the morning is becoming a struggle. I was doing pretty good for awhile when I first returned. I thought I was bad then- I hadnt seen anything yet. I have these moments where everything is fine and dandy. and then next thing I know- I'm ready to rip everyones head off and shoot myself. I am an emotional roller coaster. An emotional mess.

oh

Down about 5lbs since the last time I posted. 5 days ago. small strides. Went to the gym yesterday and ran about 6 miles. Did some core work then called it a day. I didn't go to the gym today, I was exhausted after work. But I did manage to do some core work when I got back to my hotel. Today consisted of working my ass off, I pretty much sweat all day today. Which is good. I woke up late so I didn't have time for breakfast. 1/2 an apple with pb for lunch. Spinach, blueberries, 4 strawberries, and two carrots as my afternoon snack. And then a plate full of veggies (corn, edename, carrots, and broccoli) for dinner. Everyday I find it harder and harder to get of bed. I know that I'm spiraling fast but I just can't seem to do anything to correct it. Well- not yet. It's like looking at the scale and watching the numbers fall just gives me the strength I need to keep restricting. To keep letting myself fall further and further down the rabbit hole. I'm extremely nervous about going home. I'm not ready. My life there is nothing. Being home always made me sick. I felt depressed every single day. This job was my escape. And yes, it's hard at times but I'm not ready for it to be over. I'm not ready to deal with all the shit I ran away from. I guess the only good thing about being back is I'll have my gym back. But I'll have to look for another job. Sign back up for college. Basically grow the fuck up- again. I don't want to deal with my step mother and crazy father. I need to start looking for a new place to live. My friend who I am considering living with recovered from ED about a year ago. Yes she still has struggles and I don't want to deter her progress but at the same time it will be nice to live with someone who understands what I'm going through. Although, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know 100% about my struggles. She has an idea, but I always denied that I had a problem. Always. To everyone. But I guess when you live with someone you catch on fairly quickly to what they are like- inside. Who knows maybe it will be good for me to talk about this. I don't know. I have been considering going back to therapy. Even though I despise it at times- part of me feels that I need to get some of this weight off my chest. I don't know. About anything really. My life, my future, my plans, my body- it's just one big I don't know.

breakfast: coffee
lunch: hand full of grapes
dinner: turkey sandwich on wheat with tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce, spinach, black pepper
snacks: 3 honey wheat pretzels

As soon as I got to my hotel today I went to the fitness center and ran for about two hours. I'm exhausted. Today was very blah. I don't really have much to say because !. I am very tired 2. I don't feel like going into a spiel about how shitty I feel about myself today and 3. Its not really like anybody cares so


I'm being dramatic and annoying so I'm just going to go to sleep and we'll try this again tomorrow.

She's back

Ive returned. I have spent the last three months traveling the country working, taking in the scenery, and trying to really enjoy the shit out of my life. There were ups and downs. I drowned her out for so long. Sure, I had a few relapses, now worse than ever. But for awhile, I was okay. I was able to drown out the voices telling me I was a failure. Telling me that every single piece of food I put into my mouth was going to be the end of me. I did so good for so long. I carried my scale with me all summer and I did not get on it once. Sure when I was down I restricted and exercised like my life depended on it, but I did not get on that scale. Until today. One step and it was all over. I cried for 45 minutes. Sure, I expected I would gain a little weight since I was trying to I guess we could call it recover. I was trying so hard to be normal, and fit in. But I went and I fucked it all up. I hate myself for getting on the scale but I hate myself even more for the number that I saw. And I know that this is where we start over, ground zero. All the progress, gone in an instant. I still have two more weeks working and I know exactly how they will be spent. I thought I was strong. I really did. I thought that I could do this. How many times am I going to come crawling back to her, begging for her forgiveness?

i hate weekends.

why is it that I can manage to keep it together during the week but when it comes to the weekend, I'm out of control. Friday was horrible. I don't even know how many calories I consumed. I blame my friend. She kept insisting that we go out to eat. I ruined such a great workout. I ran for an hour, did light weights, abs, and worked on my legs a lot. When I came home from the gym I was tired but I didn't want to go in the house. So i went for a two hour walk outside. But once I got home that is when the real issues started. My friend came over and said she wanted to go out to eat. So we went. And of course she was hounding me about not getting a salad and fucking fruit. To prove a point I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich on whole grain bread with tomatoes, lettuce, and provolone. and a side of fries. although I was screaming in my head not to do it- I reluctantly ate 1/2 the sandwich and all the fries. I felt repulsive. All I wanted to do was purge. But my friend is catching on. She ALWAYS wants to go out to eat. Fuck. Then later that night she decides she wants ice-cream. Need I remind you, I don't eat ice-cream anymore. So I ordered a small with rainbow sprinkles, took 5 bites then threw it away. Another point proven. The day just kept getting worse and worse. I bought a pack of cigarettes that night. I don't even smoke like that anymore. But I needed it. I was going bananas in my mind about everything I had eaten that day. Saturday (yesterday) I didn't even get to go to the gym.. I was kept out all day- eating- with friends and what not. And now I am up on this Sunday feeling as if I'm ready to blow my fucking brains out. I ate so much this weekend I feel horrible. I am a fucking failure. fuck. I'm fasting today. I have to get this shit out of my body. I have to kill myself at the gym today. there are no other options. I didn't want to wake up feeling like this. But I knew... I fucking knew this would happen if I went against every atom in my body screaming at me not to eat that shit.

wednesday and wired

i know i posted this morning but i figured id post about my day. i spent all day at the dentist office getting work done on my teeth that i ruined from my excessive purging. i took a xanny before i went to my first appointment and it went by so quick and painlessly. even though I've only been on it for two days i can tell that it works. as soon as i take one my anxiety level plummets and i feel so at ease. its amazing. at my second appointment i was feeling so relaxed that i fell asleep waiting for the doc to come in. hah only me. well i can only chew on one side of my mouth until next monday when i go back. but i am using this as a reason why i can't eat hard food. AKA i will be living off smoothies, eggs, and gerber babies. i slept for 4 hours when i finally got home from the dentist. my step mother made me come down to eat since i hadn't eaten since this morning. I had an egg white with a piece of turkey and a smoothie. i didn't go to the gym today. so i will have to double time tomorrow to make up for it. i am getting blood work tomorrow so hopefully i don't pass out at the gym. last time i got blood work i was so light headed it was awful. but on the plus side, i can't eat until after i get the work done. so I'm technically doing a 16 hour fast. i leave next week. its crazy the time has gone by so fast. I'm also on day 3 of no peanut butter. I'm not craving it either which is nice.

b: two egg whites w/ turkey & smoothie
l:
d: egg white w/ turkey & smoothie

----364-----

terrible fucking tuesday.

i was too upset to post last night. so ill do it now before i heard to the doctors. i went to the doctors yesterday pretty much by force. blah blah blah skip to me waiting for the nurse- she comes and weighs me. i of course didn't look at the scale but then she said the numbers out loud and I'm not sure what came over me. i usually control my emotions rather well but i just burst into tears. right there with her writing down my weight. i felt like a failure. i am fucking gross. she felt so bad she kept apologizing saying she didn't mean to make me upset. it was just so embarrassing and depressing. i felt so bad. but then my doctor came and i pulled it together so i could just get out of there. She wants me to try out xanax for my insomnia and anxiety. i also have to get my blood drawn. it was a pretty traumatic morning. while she was examining me she kept asking if i eat three times a day and how if i have any "depression" i lied of course and said no. i didn't feel like staying for their mini mental health exam. fuck that. i just feel so disgusting now. i hate this. & i hate myself.

tuesdays intake
B: smoothie
S:
L:salad with chicken, oranges, sunflower seeds
S: cereal
dinner: coffee

monday- moderation

haven't posted all weekend. sorry about it. Saturday I ran errands and went to visit my mother since mothers day was sunday. We shopped all day for running shoes workout shorts and coffee mugs. thats exactly what i got. i was surprised yet happy to know i still fit into size small shorts. Well Sunday I went to a buffet thing with my mom. God so much food there but I tried to get by with looking as normal as possible. I had an omelette with spinach, tomato, eggplant, and cheese. Then I ate a giant plate of fruit that included everything from blackberries to bananas. And for dessert I had a whole wheat pancake with dark chocolate chips and bananas. I felt bad but I wanted prove to myself that I can still enjoy food. I didn't eat sunday because I felt bad about eating so much saturday. Today- was actually a really good day. I saw some old friends and attempted to keep my intake low. We shall see shortly. I am also giving up peanut butter this week. Extra calories I really don't need.


B: smoothie 160c
S: 1 slice bread with turkey 75c
L: apple, grapes, 1/2 cliff bar 200c
D: veggies, chicken, sweet potato 180c
---615----

ran for an hour, weights, abs, elliptical for 45

i don't know how that makes me feel. Besides tired. So much work ahead of me. i need to get up early and its 2am. and i don't see myself going to sleep anytime soon. I really need to go to the gym.

Fucked up Fridays

So I didn't post yesterday. I forgot since I stayed over my friends for the night. But intake was sucky. I didn't eat too much during the day (cereal, eggs, applesauce pouch, chicken wrap) but at Friends I basically binged. She kept giving me food and insisting I eat blah blah blah. So I did. I felt gross. So this morning when I woke up I had an apple and banana for breakfast. Then went to the gym for two hours. And let me tell you I am so sore it's unreal. I feel like I can't move. Afterwards, my friend and I went to sushi. I don't even know how many calories I consumed. But I purged after. I have been doing so good but I felt so repulsive. I had to. In the sushi restaurant bathroom too. I wouldn't be surprised if someone heard me although I have almost mastered the art of a silent purge. Almost. Lets see. Then later in the day my family wanted to go to dinner so we did. I had chicken but I took about two bites then put the rest in a to go bag. Ill feed it to the stray cats outside tomorrow. It is storming like crazy outside my plans got cancelled so I'm in the house not sure whether I should sleep or stay awake. I feel shitty since I broke my purge free streak. I mean damn- i was doing so well. Oh well. It was bound to happen eventually 

wet wednesday

It stormed on and off all day. It was sad, but refreshing. I managed to get up this morning, I went to sleep at like 10 and got up at 7:30. I had another dentist apt. so many teeth and jaw problems but that is my own fault.. but i can't dwell on it now. My intake was eh today. I feel like I snacked a lot in the afternoon. I had a gerber pouch before my apt around 8:20 then didn't eat again until i got home from the gym at 5. I was very productive though. I only had to work for about 3 hours then was allowed to go. So I ran some errands I needed to get done then went to the gym. I also completed all of my coursework for the semester. Except one final I have Friday. It's so great to be finished. This semester went by so fast. I feel like this year is flying right past us. I think I'm going to do a little bit of ab work before I go to bed. I feel so repulsive.

Breakfast: Gerber pouch 50c
Lunch:
Dinner: egg white omelet 89c, grapes 45c
After workout snack: smoothie 193c
Other snacks: raisin bar 70c, grapes 30c, crackers wil pb 165

-----642-----
treadmill for an hour abs and weights sauna

tuesday blues

today has been rather uneventful. its sad and dreary outside so naturally all i wanted to do was stay in bed. Unfortunately I had a hard time waking up for work and i was late (again). God I seriously need to get my shit together. Visited my grandmother after work. She asked me why I looked like I haven't slept in days. I told her about how I have been beyond tired recently and now she is demanding I go take a blood test. She wants to be make sure I don't have mono and check my iron levels. blah blah blah. i don't really want to do it. But I feel like i have to. She threatened to call my father. So to avoid involving him in this little charade I will get blood work... (eventually). I did pretty well food wise today. I am actually sitting here eating my dinner and typing. egg white omelet and grapes. I decided to have a bigger dinner since I kept my cal intake low today and pretty much killed myself at the gym today. I am beyond sore. But its so necessary. I leave in two weeks and I know I'm no where near where I wanted to be. Im repulsive. honestly.

Breakfast: apple/banana smoothie 150c
Lunch:
Dinner: egg white omelet with cheese & turkey 111c/ 12 grapes 36c
Snacks: gerber baby pouch 50c/ 1/2cup blackberries 34c
----381-----

manic Mondays

I don't know how to explain how I feel. It's like one minute everything is fine and next I'm completely falling apart. I just get so frustrated with myself. why is nothing I ever do good enough for anyone. I don't feel like getting into that right now because I just want to sleep. Last night I passed out as soon as I laid down. And then it took me almost two hours to get out of bed this morning. I was 15 minutes late to work and then on my break I fell asleep for another hour. I don't know why I'm so tired. But it's making it hard to function. I forced myself to run for an hour. Then do some weights and ab work. I was literally half asleep at the gym. I wanted to run with my eyes closed but that is a lot harder than it looks (ha) I've also found a new food. It's the Gerber organic baby food. it comes in a pouch and its delicious. Only 50 calories, no fat, and barely any sugar or carbs. The best part it comes in a million different flavors. There are fruit veggie and grain flavors. I decided I'm going to live off then this summer. Since ill be staying in hotels every week I won't be able to make my smoothies. And I sure as hell won't be eating fast food every night. I've complied a list of safe foods that can travel with me this summer. It's like every week I find another safe food that can travel. I don't know if I should be eating baby food or not but I am. I think I want to liquid diet for 3 days. But I'll need to go to the grocery for greens to blend. Hm. Here are today's tracks. I didn't calculate calories although I should have..




Breakfast: strawberry/ banana smoothie


Lunch:

Dinner: Gerber pouch, 5 saltines with peanut butter

Snacks: 3 blackberries, 10 grapes

today

i was advised to try eating 6 small meals a day. hm. its hard

Breakfast: applesauce pouch 60c

Snack: Lunch: apple/ banana smoothie 292c

Snack:

Dinner: egg white omelet & strawberries 156c

Snack:

----508c------



1hr run (5mph) -508c ab circuit/weights

well todays final intake was 0. Not sure how to feel about it. I do know however that i feel like a 0. A failure. I have so many things to say but I'm not sure how I want to word them.

choices

I'll be traveling again this summer. It took me awhile to decide to accept the job again. I am excited because I'll get to be traveling and basically working out all day and getting paid. But I have a lot of things to accomplish beforehand. I have about two and a half months till I leave. I want to lose about 15-20lbs before I go. This past weekend was horrid i don't even want to talk about it. I need to get back on track. It was just so hard since I had a guest stay with me all weekend. and it felt like every couple of hours he was telling me to go eat, making me something, taking me somewhere. and i couldn't just say no. so i ate. and i ate. and i cried every night that weekend standing on the scale watching the numbers go up. every fucking night. but i am refusing to get on the scale until thursday, after my cleanse is over. but i recently took a pill... so I'm beginning to lose my train of thought. i swear i need to keep myself sedated to avoid blowing my fucking brains out. sober me is not a happy girl.

this whole weekend has been actually pretty good-food wise. Kept it under 500c friday. I went to yoga in the morning, ran for 2 hours in the afternoon and a cycle class at night. Saturday I probably ate around 1,000c. Yoga agin in the morning, and I did this body pump class at night. It was really tiring. It was hard to keep up with these machines. Seriously these ladies were so fit- made me look like a fool (hah) but it was really fun. Today i had an apple for breakfast then went to the gym and ran 7 miles, then worked on my stomach. I'm just going to stay in my room and avoid the kitchen until i want dinner. which will be a cup of vegetables and a 2 oz. piece of chicken. i've been by myself a lot recently so I haven't had anyone on my back about eating and exercising. The people at my gym all know me because I'm there so much. It's funny actually. They are always encouraging my workouts and telling me I look good. I don't feel it though. I still feel huge. disgusting. Im probably always going to feel this way. Whatever. Im not happy with the scale. at all. But i guess it will get there, hopefully. Monday is back to my one day of fasting one day of eating. I do that Mon-thurs and then friday-sun i eat everyday. i don't really have any other exciting news. my life is boring. filled with school work and meal planning. its just so weird to me that my life literally evolves around food. what am i going to eat today (or not eat). how long am i going to have to exercise to burn this off... blah blah blah. sometimes it gets to be too much. but.. it is my life.

its alive

you guys... i feel like a new person today. i can get out of bed and move and breathe and walk up and down the stairs. sorry, I'm just really happy. i woke up this morning to a real life blizzard. its snowing so hard, but its barely sticking to the ground. weird right. my muscles feel so weak. i was looking at myself in the mirror and my hips are jutting out of my skin. and my arms look so stringy. being sick was literally eating away at me. my step mother told me i look sickly. she offered to make me food, but honestly the thought of food is making me feel ill. so i made a giant cup of coffee and retreated back to my room. i have a lot of coursework to catch up on. college.... ugh. I'm not ready to get on the scale yet. i want to go to the gym but this weather may prevent that. hm well, ill write later. I'm going to get on this work. xx

just another monday. its march already. where is this year going. everything is moving so fast. I'm so sick, its awful. i haven't eaten anything more than soup in the past 5 or 6 days. i don't really remember. I've been in my bed the whole time. i haven't been to the gym since i first got sick. today is the first day i can actually do more than lay in bed and cry at how much pain I'm in. i don't know what is wrong with me. i should go to the doctors but i hate that place more than anything. so i won't. well let me tell about what I've been up to the past 23 or so days its been since I've last written. and before i got sick. i was doing a day of fasting a day of <800c. gym everyday. it was actually working. i was losing about a pound every 2 days. but I'm not really sure where I am now. since I've been bed ridden for a little over a week. i bought a pair of size 0 shorts, determined fit into them once the weather permits. its time for me to go back to sleep, I've used all my energy for the day getting on the computer (hah) until next time. xx

meow

monday, the start of a new week. I've been doing pretty well even though i hadn't written in forever. except the fact that I'm beyond miserable out here. i haven't been this depressed in a really long time its almost scary. i think the fact that I'm always either a. sad b.stressed or c.both is helping me lose weight. not to mention my list of safe foods has gotten so small the past two months. my step mother doesn't seem to care though, she is always on some new fucking diet. she told me i had body dysmorphia the other day... like i didn't already know that. my mother and father do seem worried though. they probably want to send me back to ip. but we all know that won't fucking happen. i measured myself on friday and in past two months I've lost 1.5 inches from my hips. 2.5 inches from my waist. 3 inches from my bust. and 3 inches from my thighs. not good enough. definitely not good enough. one good thing i can think of thats come from this is I've been drawing more. its strange how that works. suffering and creativity go hand in hand. hm.

oh wow

I've been gone for quite some time. I've come back to my home town and in turn, have been more miserable than ever. I won't go into detail now because I am running a bit late today. but yesterday's stats
B:coffee, apple
L:coffee
D: corn, peas, lima beans w/ 1/2 chicken breast
E: 4 mile run, 30 min strength

ladies

I'm back.