overview

nearly 5pm and I've eaten a spoonful of peanut butter. i ran 4 miles and did 45 minutes on the elliptical. i feel good. tired.. extremely tired, but thats okay. i drank so much last night i had to work it off. i think my roommate wants to make dinner tonight. chicken with veggies and rice. she knows thats pretty much the only things i eat. she thinks my eating habits are weird but i don't really care. i kissed a boy last night. he was super sweet and cute but we were drunk so I'm not really thinking too much about it. he did text me earlier and we've just been making small talk. here i am talking about a boy.. okay i have people here so i will update more later

saturday

yesterday i ended up eating corn and a potato for lunch and then at work i got a free meal so i got this vegetarian meal which was grilled peppers, mushrooms, tomatoes, and broccoli over brown rice. i added grilled chicken to it and it was really good. but i only ate half of it. I'm going to eat the other half before i go to work today. and then I'm done for the day because I'm going out tonight with my friends and ill be drinking so.. theres all my calories. i really don't want to go out. i just feel so shitty again today but I'm making myself go because i don't want to sit in the house and over think. like always. down 1/2 a pound from yesterday. i don't know how but I'm happy about that. its absolutely beautiful outside today. i just want to sit in a the field outside my window and read a book. do something calming. i don't know. i feel like i always just ramble when i get on here..

my other roommate went shopping today at costco, which is like bulk items. she got some stuff she wants us to split 3 ways but the only thing i told her i was going to eat was chicken and corn. she bought bread, bagel bites, cookies, and all these other fattening snacks. i can't eat that kind of stuff.. i just can't do it.

friday

as soon as i got home from work last night i did some homework then fell right asleep. but i woke up this morning around 7:30 and went to the gym. i was very awake for some reason. and on my way back from the gym i saw one of my friends i used to do sport with (i had to quit in january and only see her every once in awhile even though she is my neighbor) and she told me i looked thinner. it pretty much made my whole day. weighed myself when i got back, down another pound. almost to the 120s. luckily for me i have to work again today so i get a few hours away from constantly thinking about food. even though when i do go to work, i always stare at our menu, just imagining what i would order. hah.. that sounds so funny now that i think about it. i have to leave for school in an hour and i still have to shower and take notes before i go. i am feeling less pessimistic today though, so that is always good.
im not sure what I'm going to eat today, or if I'm going to eat. i want to lose 2-3lbs this weekend. decisions decisions.

xx

frustration

they didn't have fruit when i got to class this morning -_- so i had a bagel (290c) and coffee (5c). since i ate a bagel i definitely can't eat for the rest of the day. i did really well on my exam from last week. too bad i can't do good in math. Ive been feeling so down recently. its like i just can't shake this feeling. no matter how many small pleasures i encounter. i just feel so.. blah. i can't quite put a word on this feeling, but its something. i have class at 1 then I'm done for the day. i don't want to go but i have to. i really just want to go for a run and forget whatever is making me feel like this. but i also have to work, so its going to have to wait until after. i have jeans on today and i can't stop thinking about how disgusting my legs look. i swear I'm getting fatter by the day. i can just feel it. uhhh asfha;siasdifas i don't know. this is a frustrating day.

i met my friend at a restaurant on campus after my classes and i had a bowl of applesauce. she looked at me like i was crazy but i told her i ate earlier and was just snacking. i had chicken and corn for dinner. pretty much one of the only things i eat actually eat anymore. but anyway, i am feeling better from earlier. not all the way better, but better none the less.

now i have something exciting to share. my roommate asked me to bake her more cookies (like i did the other day) so i did and... i only ate one. i am proud of myself for not eating a bunch like i did last time.. i have to work tomorrow friday and saturday so lots of walking and less time for eating. i have to decide what I'm going to (or not going to) eat tomorrow. i am thinking of fruit and coffee for breakfast. but thats all I've decided. i am beyond tired and have to wake up at 7am tomorrow so until then
xx

the longest road to no where

i haven't decided if I'm going to eat today. looking at the scale, i shouldn't. but, i woke up feeling a bit spacey this morning. not that there is any food in my apartment. still haven't gone grocery shopping, I'm seriously avoiding that trip. i have been so moody lately. i just want people to leave me alone, but at the exact same time i want someone to just shake me by the shoulders and tell me that i am doing something right. I'm not as worthless as i feel and that eventually, everything is going to get better. But i don't see that happening anytime soon so.. yeah

only tuesday

woke up late this morning but i still went to my class and took the test. i think i did pretty well, except one question. so hopefully i don't fail. my roommate surprised with me a bagel and coffee when i got back from class. I ate half of the top piece so she didn't think anything. but i threw the rest away when she went to shower. I'm not eating again today. I'm still annoyed with myself about yesterday. i didn't weigh myself today, so that will have to wait until tomorrow. i have an hour workout ahead of me before work. Im excited, but scared because my leg is sore today. i really want to nap, but i know i will not wake up until tomorrow if i do. i have been so tired lately, wanting to rest all the time. my mother is coming to visit in two weeks. i don't want her to come down because i already know what she is going to say. "you look so thin" blah blah blah. little does she know, when she gets here I'm going to eat the whole time she is here. muhahaha. i plan on being a week ahead of my weigh-ins and almost to my 3rd gw. plus, ill be doubling my workouts by then so ill have room to gain up to a pound and a half while she is in town. and that is what i thought of while i was in class yesterday, instead of paying attention. well, its time for my workout until next time.

xx

grocery shopping

i made cookies with my roommate and ate about 5 of them. i feel terrible. absolutely awful. I'm not eating at all tomorrow for being a fat pig. i hate when i fuck up. its so frustrating. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. i need to go to the gym asap. i have an exam tomorrow morning- fuck. and i have work tomorrow night, so that is always a plus. i wish i had self control. i used to. i really did. i don't know what happened to me. i don't want to bore everyone with my sob storers so..

i said i would post my grocery list so here she is
coffee
turkey
chicken
tomatoes
apples
bananas
grapes
lettuce heads
corn
broccoli
peanut butter
mushrooms
cauliflower
honey
mozzarella
garlic
eggplant
pears
pineapple

i don't know. is this what you guys buy? what do 'normal' people buy at the grocery. how do normal people feel at the grocery is a question i want to know the answer to. because i know how i feel when i go grocery shopping, and it cannot be normal.

untitled

monday morning and Im down 2 pounds since my post on thursday. good, but i can do better. all i ate yesterday was corn and a handful of homemade trail mix. today I'm having 1/2 a potato and after i go to all my classes, I'm rewarding myself with a salad from my favorite restaurant near school. i have a gw this week. i think I'm going to make it, but you can never be too confident. thats how you blow it. its always how you blow it. i really need to focus on school this week since i have my fall break coming up. and i have a paper due next week. ew.

i found this wonderful shopping list online on foods to buy if you want to 'slim down' and of course, i added a bunch of those foods on to my own grocery list. when i get home later I'm going to post my grocery list.

ohh.. i measured myself this morning too. thighs are down 1/2 an inch, waist is down 1 inch, bust and hips are same. but hey, i will take it. every inch is progress. until next time
xx

today has been a fucking fail. i am a fucking failure.

thuuuzday

went to all my classes today.. go me. now I'm home making notes to take to work so i can study while I'm there. i failed my math test.. figures. today i have had a bagel and fruit. thats all I'm eating today. i don't have class tomorrow so gym in the morning and then math tutoring. oh yeah, I've gained a pound. mother fuck me. so no eating friday or saturday. its so annoying. doing so well, losing a pound or so a day and then bam. you gain a pound. and that turns into two pounds. so on and so on. whatever. i don't want to think about it. I'm going to go study, i just wanted to update on my current food standings.

today has actually been a really good day. I've been very happy all day. i don't know why, but i don't want it to go away. well.. minus gaining a pound. but that will be taken care of shortly.

all i ate today was a salad and saltines with peanut butter. not bad. I didn't go to any of my classes but i did study my ass off and do homework all day. I have to work tomorrow so I get to walk again. I'm excited. I'm going to all my classes tomorrow, i have to. so that means tomorrow is going to be very very busy. I am considering waking up extra early and going to the library to study before my test but it depends how I feel tomorrow. I'm not sure what I am going to eat but I know I'm going to eat something before my first class so my stomach doing go crazy like it usually does. I feel like I am getting fatter and its obnoxious. I'm losing everything, except weight. why. why. why.

sick pt. 2

missed my first class this morning. woke up at 7 and could not get out of bed. wgst. funny thing, next topic of discussion is eating disorders. now that is going to be an awkward couple weeks. I'll be sure to give my input on eating disorders, because frankly, some of the articles in my book do not do them justice. yes, i already read all the stories in my book on eating, societal pressures, women and their "cry for help" blah blah blah. whatever. i just realized the picture i posted earlier... omg my legs are like two pieces of ham. fat and well, fat.i need to get ready to leave for my next class. i really don't want to go but i have an exam coming up so i have to. when i walk on campus i feel so self conscious. and i hate that. here i am just rambling away. I'm going to have some coffee for breakfast, and then not eat until tomorrow. i still feel awful about eating so much yesterday. i disgust myself. at least i have a nice walk to and from work to make me feel a little bit better..

sick

its almost 4am and I have been up for over an hour because I can't sleep and I feel terrible. I thought I only had a cold but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm ready to die. right here in this bed.. okay I'm being fairly dramatic but you get the point. I feel like shit. i had Lima beans & corn for breakfast, some fries off my friends plate for lunch (social eating haha) and salad for dinner. pineapple, a pickle, saltines, and a spoon full of peanut butter as snacks. today (well yesterday) was the most I have eaten in awhile. I have to work today (yay) except I don't feel good but what can you do. I don't want to stand on the scale today. I already know I'm going to hate what it says because my fatass ate fries. ugh. stop I don't want to think about it. too bad that's all I think about. sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am. all fucked up and mixed up inside. a lot of reasons. a lot of un-reasons. but I'm not going to sit here and ponder them because I will never get back to sleep. I have to wake up for class in 3 hours.. shit. I also only have 6 more pounds to go to reach the next gw!! exciting but scary. am I going to make it or not? dun dun dunnnn. I think being sick and awake right now is making me delusional. oh welll. I found an older picture of my legs from two or so months ago and I'm going to share it with you lovely people. okay but I really need to try and sleep so until later

xx

Sunday

tea for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and 5 saltines as a snack today. I have a math test tomorrow and I didn't really study. hopefully I do well. tomorrow starts my intense work outs so I can make it to my gw.. excited but not. my roommate went grocery shopping today. she bought a lot of bread items I will not be touching. I did eat bread today though. but I'm going to eat it in moderation. no loaf bread though. none of that. no bagels either. I have to wait until I get paid so I can do my own type of grocery shopping sigh. okay I need to go to sleep. I still don't feel good but what can you do

meow

i just wanted to post and say how wonderful work was today. everyone is so nice and friendly. and i get to move around all day. the only bad part is that my feet hurt really bad. wah. but i didn't eat today. coffee for breakfast. and coffee for dinner. i didn't have to to eat at work.. it was nice. i don't know, i feel happy right now. i can't tell if its because i didn't eat today or because of this job. probably both. but I'm going to go to sleep. i have to wake up early tomorrow and study -___- xx

its early

i got the job! i have to be there at 11 which means i have to leave 10 since I'm going to walk. I'm going to stop at Starbucks on my way and get some coffee for breakfast. I'm excited that i actually have a job now and won't be broke anymore. I'm not really sure what time i get off but I'm going to go to the gym when i get off and then study my life away i have 4 tests next week. everyday i get closer to gw day. I'm scared I'm not going to make it but i know that i will. i have to have to have to make it. my job requires me to wear jeans and i really don't want to. even though my thighs don't touch... i hate my thighs. hate them. and i only own skinny jeans so i know everyone is going to be like this girl and her fat thighs.. mm how delighting. i have to get ready.. xx

t h i g h s

my thighs stopped touching today. i could scream with joy.. but my throat hurts still. but its still a good day. i haven't been to the gym yet today, but I'm going to go later. i had 5 pieces of broccoli and tea for breakfast. I'm going to go to the library in a bit and have coffee for lunch while i study. I'm probably having broccoli and chicken for dinner. there isn't too much food in my apartment, and i like that. but my roommate keeps insisting we to go the grocery. but i don't really want to go. I'm content with fruit, vegetables, and chicken. i hate grocery shopping. too much food, too many choices. and i hate the looks that i get when i go.. sorry i like to read the labels. sorry i don't like processed food. sorry i don't want to get fatter. 13 days left to get to one of my goal weights. ill get there, i have to. i think i found a job. its about 2 miles from my house so ill walk there. i power walked there yesterday and legs are a little sore today. i like it. i like the fact that its so close, yet far enough that i get a little exercise in. thats 4 miles in one day. in addition to the 5 i usually run at the gym. my mom is sending me a package this weekend. i told her to send me peanut butter. (my addiction) the one thing i cannot give up. and a bunch of other things i want/need. i need to get into the shower and start this good day. xx

one more day

breakfast; apple w/ peanut butter lunch: salad dinner: hummus, corn, and chicken wrapped in lettuce snacks: none today was better. no snacking but i still have to wait one more day before i go to the gym. i don't feel like writing because i am so tired. i feel like I've gotten huge this week from not going to the gym. i don't know. I'm just flustered.

still

breakfast: apple with peanut butter lunch: nothing dinner: chicken ceasar salad & apple sauce snacks: chex mix i feel absolutely terrible for eating chef mix. although i didn't eat too much today, i still feel disgusting and fat. still haven't gone to the gym. i think i am going to wait until friday to go since i still don't feel 100% better. i have been so unhappy lately. and let me tell you, it fucking sucks. tomorrow I'm going to have an apple and peanut butter before class again, and salad for dinner. no snacking this time either. ugh. i need a job too. badly. something that'll take my mind off everything. and food. i need a buddy. and a fat blunt.

ill.

i am ill. mentally and physically ill. i think i have strep or something because i can barely talk, barely eat (not that i was eating before) but barely doing anything. Im skipping one of my classes today. hopefully we aren't taking an exam because i will be screwed. I have a math quiz at 2 then math class at 3. i don't want to go.. at all. i just want to sleep. but i need to go. i gave up all bread/wheat products for the next few weeks. my roommate and i are giving up one thing every week. but little does she know once i give it up, I'm not going to eat it again. i accidentally told one of my roommates that i used to have "food problems". used to being the key word. hahah fuck it. what is she going to do.. not shit. i kind of want to go to my 1 o'clock class. kind of but not really. i haven't been to the gym in 3 days because I've been so sick. so I'm sure i look like a goddamn abomination. last week was awful for me. i cried everyday last week. if it wasn't my weight, it was my parents, if it wasn't that it was school, its like i just cannot catch a break. i don't know. i need to get up and get in the shower so i can go to class. until next time