oh

Down about 5lbs since the last time I posted. 5 days ago. small strides. Went to the gym yesterday and ran about 6 miles. Did some core work then called it a day. I didn't go to the gym today, I was exhausted after work. But I did manage to do some core work when I got back to my hotel. Today consisted of working my ass off, I pretty much sweat all day today. Which is good. I woke up late so I didn't have time for breakfast. 1/2 an apple with pb for lunch. Spinach, blueberries, 4 strawberries, and two carrots as my afternoon snack. And then a plate full of veggies (corn, edename, carrots, and broccoli) for dinner. Everyday I find it harder and harder to get of bed. I know that I'm spiraling fast but I just can't seem to do anything to correct it. Well- not yet. It's like looking at the scale and watching the numbers fall just gives me the strength I need to keep restricting. To keep letting myself fall further and further down the rabbit hole. I'm extremely nervous about going home. I'm not ready. My life there is nothing. Being home always made me sick. I felt depressed every single day. This job was my escape. And yes, it's hard at times but I'm not ready for it to be over. I'm not ready to deal with all the shit I ran away from. I guess the only good thing about being back is I'll have my gym back. But I'll have to look for another job. Sign back up for college. Basically grow the fuck up- again. I don't want to deal with my step mother and crazy father. I need to start looking for a new place to live. My friend who I am considering living with recovered from ED about a year ago. Yes she still has struggles and I don't want to deter her progress but at the same time it will be nice to live with someone who understands what I'm going through. Although, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know 100% about my struggles. She has an idea, but I always denied that I had a problem. Always. To everyone. But I guess when you live with someone you catch on fairly quickly to what they are like- inside. Who knows maybe it will be good for me to talk about this. I don't know. I have been considering going back to therapy. Even though I despise it at times- part of me feels that I need to get some of this weight off my chest. I don't know. About anything really. My life, my future, my plans, my body- it's just one big I don't know.