i hate weekends.

why is it that I can manage to keep it together during the week but when it comes to the weekend, I'm out of control. Friday was horrible. I don't even know how many calories I consumed. I blame my friend. She kept insisting that we go out to eat. I ruined such a great workout. I ran for an hour, did light weights, abs, and worked on my legs a lot. When I came home from the gym I was tired but I didn't want to go in the house. So i went for a two hour walk outside. But once I got home that is when the real issues started. My friend came over and said she wanted to go out to eat. So we went. And of course she was hounding me about not getting a salad and fucking fruit. To prove a point I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich on whole grain bread with tomatoes, lettuce, and provolone. and a side of fries. although I was screaming in my head not to do it- I reluctantly ate 1/2 the sandwich and all the fries. I felt repulsive. All I wanted to do was purge. But my friend is catching on. She ALWAYS wants to go out to eat. Fuck. Then later that night she decides she wants ice-cream. Need I remind you, I don't eat ice-cream anymore. So I ordered a small with rainbow sprinkles, took 5 bites then threw it away. Another point proven. The day just kept getting worse and worse. I bought a pack of cigarettes that night. I don't even smoke like that anymore. But I needed it. I was going bananas in my mind about everything I had eaten that day. Saturday (yesterday) I didn't even get to go to the gym.. I was kept out all day- eating- with friends and what not. And now I am up on this Sunday feeling as if I'm ready to blow my fucking brains out. I ate so much this weekend I feel horrible. I am a fucking failure. fuck. I'm fasting today. I have to get this shit out of my body. I have to kill myself at the gym today. there are no other options. I didn't want to wake up feeling like this. But I knew... I fucking knew this would happen if I went against every atom in my body screaming at me not to eat that shit.