monday morning

its monday morning and i don't have class until one.. but i am up. i drove my friend to campus this morning so i might as well stay up for the rest of the day. just drinking my morning coffee, typing away on this keyboard.. I'm surprisingly not as tired as i usually am. I'm going to do some cardio and abs then shower and study till i have to go to class. i don't even want to stand on my scale. so i won't. not until i feel like i should. which won't be at all today. i don't want to depress myself more by knowing how fat i actually am.
i think I'm going to eat some grapes for breakfast after i shower and then not eat again until dinner. We're having salads for dinner tonight. Every night of the week we (my roommates and i) have dinner together. something healthy of course. i think my self hatred is beginning to rub off on them. i know that when I'm in the kitchen i talk aloud (to myself) telling myself i shouldn't eat this or i can't have that or my thighs will become massive if i eat whatever it is I'm not eating. and now, my roommates want to go to the gym with my everyday, and they keep calling themselves fat and blah blah blah blah. i know they just want to lose weight but i have to lose weight. its the only way. i just feel bad though, i never meant for them to start emulating me. I'm going to have to be more careful about what i say out loud. ill just have to keep more inside, how joyous. another anchor to slowly drown me. don't get me wrong, i love having someone come to the gym with me but i don like hearing my roommates turn into those girls that repeatedly comment how fat they are, and how they need to diet. i at least contain myself to the kitchen, and my own mind.