fail

i haven't written in awhile: fail. i ate a cookie yesterday: fail. i feel like my life is in fast forward and there is nothing i can do to make it slow down. everything is just whirling around, buzzing, screaming, running, and then there is me, just standing. I'm stuck. i don't know what i want, where I'm going, anything. I guess it is true, you can't run away from your demons. fuck fuck fuck. i hate myself. i really do. why am i so fucked up. going to home for the weekend (by force) I'm so not looking forward to that. that place is nothing but broken dreams and broken promises.

well.. the past 6 days have been decent, food wise. emotionally, I'm a wreck. on the inside, I'm a mess. on the outside, you would never know there was something wrong with me. but i can feel myself changing, crawling inside my head to hide. living off fruits and veggies. my friend has been making dinner every night. chicken, pasta, bread, vegetables, potatoes, everything. ill only eat chicken, veggies, fruit, rice, salad. there are a few other things on that list but i don't feel like going into detail. my friend from back home was asking me why i want to go to the gym 2-3 times everyday. why does it matter, as if it isn't obvious enough. i just told her, i have a few things to work on. she basically was freaking out telling me not to go overboard blah blah blah stfu. i don't care what anyone says. i know what i look like. i know what i need to fix. i don't understand why everyone WANTS me to be fat. whatever.

so this week since I'm going home, I'm stepping up my workouts and of course, eating less. next monday, my future roommate and i are going to a diet together. a diet within a diet. look at me go. i haven't taken my measurements for this week yet, fail. ill do it tomorrow. i have an exam tomorrow and work. I've pretty much fucked up in school this year. my parents are going to hate me, more than they already do. i just need to save up enough money, and i swear, I'm gone. I'm moving to california and not coming back. next semester, I'm moving into a room with this girl. its like a dorm, but its at the apartment place i live now. its really really nice and cheap. she is going to think I'm crazy when I'm doing my workouts every damn morning and night. not to mention i sit on the computer at all hours of the night researching ways to tone my thighs, lose arm fat, lower bmi, etc. Im scared she is going to find out. but what can she do, my parents are over 1,000 miles away. and i don't know any OPCs here. thank god. i hope my mother doesn't say anything about my weight loss since the last time i saw her. when i was home for winter break my best friends mom told me i went away to college and came back thinner. i was elated that she said that. but in front of my dad, not so much. oh well. i mean, I've only lost like 7lbs since I've been back. well, that was the last time i stood on my scale. i should probably of that tomorrow. well, its almost 4am and i have to be up at 9.


stay strong xx