overview

nearly 5pm and I've eaten a spoonful of peanut butter. i ran 4 miles and did 45 minutes on the elliptical. i feel good. tired.. extremely tired, but thats okay. i drank so much last night i had to work it off. i think my roommate wants to make dinner tonight. chicken with veggies and rice. she knows thats pretty much the only things i eat. she thinks my eating habits are weird but i don't really care. i kissed a boy last night. he was super sweet and cute but we were drunk so I'm not really thinking too much about it. he did text me earlier and we've just been making small talk. here i am talking about a boy.. okay i have people here so i will update more later

saturday

yesterday i ended up eating corn and a potato for lunch and then at work i got a free meal so i got this vegetarian meal which was grilled peppers, mushrooms, tomatoes, and broccoli over brown rice. i added grilled chicken to it and it was really good. but i only ate half of it. I'm going to eat the other half before i go to work today. and then I'm done for the day because I'm going out tonight with my friends and ill be drinking so.. theres all my calories. i really don't want to go out. i just feel so shitty again today but I'm making myself go because i don't want to sit in the house and over think. like always. down 1/2 a pound from yesterday. i don't know how but I'm happy about that. its absolutely beautiful outside today. i just want to sit in a the field outside my window and read a book. do something calming. i don't know. i feel like i always just ramble when i get on here..

my other roommate went shopping today at costco, which is like bulk items. she got some stuff she wants us to split 3 ways but the only thing i told her i was going to eat was chicken and corn. she bought bread, bagel bites, cookies, and all these other fattening snacks. i can't eat that kind of stuff.. i just can't do it.

friday

as soon as i got home from work last night i did some homework then fell right asleep. but i woke up this morning around 7:30 and went to the gym. i was very awake for some reason. and on my way back from the gym i saw one of my friends i used to do sport with (i had to quit in january and only see her every once in awhile even though she is my neighbor) and she told me i looked thinner. it pretty much made my whole day. weighed myself when i got back, down another pound. almost to the 120s. luckily for me i have to work again today so i get a few hours away from constantly thinking about food. even though when i do go to work, i always stare at our menu, just imagining what i would order. hah.. that sounds so funny now that i think about it. i have to leave for school in an hour and i still have to shower and take notes before i go. i am feeling less pessimistic today though, so that is always good.
im not sure what I'm going to eat today, or if I'm going to eat. i want to lose 2-3lbs this weekend. decisions decisions.

xx

frustration

they didn't have fruit when i got to class this morning -_- so i had a bagel (290c) and coffee (5c). since i ate a bagel i definitely can't eat for the rest of the day. i did really well on my exam from last week. too bad i can't do good in math. Ive been feeling so down recently. its like i just can't shake this feeling. no matter how many small pleasures i encounter. i just feel so.. blah. i can't quite put a word on this feeling, but its something. i have class at 1 then I'm done for the day. i don't want to go but i have to. i really just want to go for a run and forget whatever is making me feel like this. but i also have to work, so its going to have to wait until after. i have jeans on today and i can't stop thinking about how disgusting my legs look. i swear I'm getting fatter by the day. i can just feel it. uhhh asfha;siasdifas i don't know. this is a frustrating day.

i met my friend at a restaurant on campus after my classes and i had a bowl of applesauce. she looked at me like i was crazy but i told her i ate earlier and was just snacking. i had chicken and corn for dinner. pretty much one of the only things i eat actually eat anymore. but anyway, i am feeling better from earlier. not all the way better, but better none the less.

now i have something exciting to share. my roommate asked me to bake her more cookies (like i did the other day) so i did and... i only ate one. i am proud of myself for not eating a bunch like i did last time.. i have to work tomorrow friday and saturday so lots of walking and less time for eating. i have to decide what I'm going to (or not going to) eat tomorrow. i am thinking of fruit and coffee for breakfast. but thats all I've decided. i am beyond tired and have to wake up at 7am tomorrow so until then
xx

the longest road to no where

i haven't decided if I'm going to eat today. looking at the scale, i shouldn't. but, i woke up feeling a bit spacey this morning. not that there is any food in my apartment. still haven't gone grocery shopping, I'm seriously avoiding that trip. i have been so moody lately. i just want people to leave me alone, but at the exact same time i want someone to just shake me by the shoulders and tell me that i am doing something right. I'm not as worthless as i feel and that eventually, everything is going to get better. But i don't see that happening anytime soon so.. yeah

only tuesday

woke up late this morning but i still went to my class and took the test. i think i did pretty well, except one question. so hopefully i don't fail. my roommate surprised with me a bagel and coffee when i got back from class. I ate half of the top piece so she didn't think anything. but i threw the rest away when she went to shower. I'm not eating again today. I'm still annoyed with myself about yesterday. i didn't weigh myself today, so that will have to wait until tomorrow. i have an hour workout ahead of me before work. Im excited, but scared because my leg is sore today. i really want to nap, but i know i will not wake up until tomorrow if i do. i have been so tired lately, wanting to rest all the time. my mother is coming to visit in two weeks. i don't want her to come down because i already know what she is going to say. "you look so thin" blah blah blah. little does she know, when she gets here I'm going to eat the whole time she is here. muhahaha. i plan on being a week ahead of my weigh-ins and almost to my 3rd gw. plus, ill be doubling my workouts by then so ill have room to gain up to a pound and a half while she is in town. and that is what i thought of while i was in class yesterday, instead of paying attention. well, its time for my workout until next time.

xx