thursday

fasted all day. tons of coffee though. I had classes in the morning and after I got home I literally slept until 10. it was a lovely, peaceful sleep. when I woke up I went to the gym, came home and showered and now I'm back in bed. my productive morning turned into to a lazy night. it was nice though so I can't complain. tomorrow is going to be a very, very long day. this weekend is going to be long. it's Halloween weekend so my friends and I are going out friday (after i work) and Saturday and Sunday i have a dinner to go to. I want to get out of that though. I don't feel like dealing with all of that anxiety. and stress. I'm already stressed out enough.



I have come to this conclusion that my self hatred and anxiety is debilitating. every time I do something there is this voice in my head telling me how awful I look or how wrong and unintelligent I am. first, in class today my professor asked me a question and when everyone turned to look at me I could not function. I stumbled over my words and just sounded absolutely ridiculous. and the thing is, I never used to be like that. I have always hated public speaking but I used to be pretty damn good at it. now, I can barely get a sentence out. part of it, I know I just need to relax but it's so hard. I feel as if I'm constantly on the verge of tears. that.. or about ready to kill myself.