wednesday

today was good, until i binged on pizza (one of my weaknesses) ugh I'm so stupid. but this morning i got up early and went to the gym and burnt 250c i had an apple and saltines for breakfast (110c) i have no clue how many calories the pizza i ate was, so when it got dark, i went to the 4th floor of the parking garage (its empty up there) and ran till i was ready to pass out. i was really productive today though. so go me. i work tomorrow and i really don't want to, but i need the money. today when i was working out with my friend early, she kept asking me why i didn't want to run uphill with her. i tried explaining that i didn't want to gain anymore muscle, but actually slim down. (i have a lot of muscle) and she just looked at me like i was crazy. and a few days before that my other friend was asking me what my goal weight was. i just said i didn't have one. oh well, i don't get why they even care. its my body. my life. my rules. anyway, its 2am and i want to get up at 9 and go to the gym. then go to class, come home and start my homework, go to work, come home. my life is so boring during the week. sigh. i don't know. there is so much going on inside my head and on the outside, nothing. I'm quiet, happy, content. if someone opened up my brain, they would never look at me the same. my head is filled with monsters. monsters that I'm not ready to face. not yet.

decent days

my first day of work was really good. its actually pretty easy. easy money. monday i ate a bagel for breakfast and vegetables for dinner when i got home from work. and i burned 200c at the gym. so money was a pretty good day. today, i had no energy so i ended up skipping both of my classes. i just don't have the drive to go right now. my mind is pretty much everywhere except school... .sigh. but i had a chicken wrap for breakfast/lunch and then i ate okra and corn for dinner. burned 347c at the gym. today was another relatively decent day. minus i skipped class. whatever. but tomorrow I'm going to get up really early and be super productive (starting with the gym of course) and just run errands all day before class. i went grocery shopping today. i spent over 2 hours there because i couldn't decide on what to get. but i decided I'm living off fruit, veggies, and chicken until i go home (next weekend) hopefully that'll help me lose something before i leave. i need to stand on the scale. I'm too scared though. but anyway..wow i am rambling on. but there were so many things to choose from. ugh. i got salad toots barely 1 and I'm about ready to pass out. 9 am run for sure tomorrow. but I'm going to go to sleep, i don't feel like typing anymore. ha. till tomorrow

xx

bad weekend that was actually really good.

i haven't written since thursday. damn, the time has flewwww by. but i thought about writing i just never did it. even though i have the blogger app on my phone. wow i just remembered that... anyway, friday night: 455c total and i burned 381c working out (wooohoo) friday was a success. because i knew i was going out on saturday and i really didn't want to look fat (even though you did) anyway, saturday i went to club with some friends of mine that were girls! and then we went to another party. i was so drunk shit was crazy. but i didn't throw up! saturday i ate peas and corn all day. and burned 324c at the gym. BUT after i got really really drunk i did awful. i had no self control. i ate a slice of pizza, a brownie AND chicken nuggets. wtf. i don't even eat that much when I'm stoned. hence why i don't like to drink a lot. but today, ohh today was hard getting up. but today i ate soup, corn, and chicken totally 250c and burned 600c at the gym. i felt bad for drinking so much saturday.its 3am and i have to get up at 9. I START WORK TOMORROW! I'm so excited. i finally get to be bus again. i haven't had a full schedule in almost 5 months. no wonder I'm so god damn fat. I'm so excited. i think my life is coming together a little.. hahah yeah. okay. I'm so like nervous. for tomorrow and the rest of the week and i don't. i just have so many nerves. nervous. scared. excited. for sure. okay i have to go to bed. i am going to write tomorrow i promise!

xxx think thin

hmph.

today was odd. I've felt really off all day. i think it was because i took that adderall and didn't eat before. and then i didn't eat until 5pm. i had a piece of bread with ham. then i made dinner for my friends. wheat pasta and shrimp with oil not butter. i ate a little of that, just so i didn't look weird not eating any... OHH then i had a moment of weakness. so, like i was saying I've been feeling off. so i felt like i was going to black out earlier.. so i ate two oreos. i know i should have only eaten one, but i ate two (i suck) I'm so annoyed at my lack of self control...hmph. anyway, walked 8 miles today with my friend. so, i mean i guess thats alright. i also did cardio ab insanity. (killler) insanity is amazing. but i also ate some chips when i was high. damn. i did really bad today.. I'm so annoyed. I'm waking up at 9 tomorrow to work out. i don't have class but i still have some things to do.

i feel like i have this hole inside me where my ex best friend used to be. i don't even want to begin to get into that but i need like a close friend that is a girl that i can talk to. i feel like ALL my friends are guys. and gay ones at that. i don't know i just feel like I'm missing something. hmph.

W is for Workout

soo. after my nap i went to the gym and ran 3miles (304c) then got on the elliptical for 15 min (142c) and i worked my arms a little, and did my stomach (of course) then my day carried on with taking my friends puppy on a walk. my roommate made dinner. meatloaf and potatoes and pasta and chips. i don't eat beef so i had an was an easy way out of that one. she said the potatoes were too salty so i politely agreed and didn't eat any. i ate a few chips and one bite of meatloaf (puke) just because my roommate insisted i try it. whatever.. THEN when all of her friends left i saw it. a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and of course my stupid self eats one. in like 3 bites. i couldn't stop myself. it was like i just HAD to eat it. anyway, feeling guilty i convinced my roommate to go to the gym with me. OH need i remind you i ate 200c worth of peas and corn earlier. so we went to the gym and i ran 2.5 miles and worked my stomach again (300c) bye bye doughnuts. tomorrow, I'm really going to take an adderall so after i eat breakfast i won't be hungry for the rest of the day. i go home in two weeks. fuck that. i don't really want to think about it. but, i am actually really happy that i went to the gym twice today. i want to have a good day tomorrow i really do. but its time shower and pass out, i have class at 12 and i have to get up at like 9 to start studying. I'm trying to get serious about school. so i don't look like I'm wasting everything out here in this great old state. hahaha good night ladies. stay strong xx

B. L. A. H.

skipping class again to lay in bed. well, i went for a little while but left early. I ended up sleeping in really late so I didn't take an adderall and i haven't made it to the gym. and I've eaten a bagel today so far (290c) I don't know how that makes me feel. since all I have been feeling today is sad. not even sad, just blah. I hate when I don't know what to feel. Or, I feel a certain way but I don't know what to call it. hm. I have to go to campus at 3:15ish to get my clicker. yay more walking. I'm going to make it to the gym today. preferably after my trip to campus. I haven't decided if I want to eat anything else today (no) maybe I will (you won't). every time I talk about food, a voice yells back at me. that my friends is what therapists will call your negative/distorted body image. I call it the truth. but I'm going to try to sleep for a little before I get up and start running around again

175 calorie snack

175 calorie peanut butter rice crispy treats! perfect sweet snack

2/3 cup rice krispys
1 tablespoon peanut butter

mix the two in a bowl until the peanut butter covers everything... eat with a spoon. yummy and low calorie sweet snack