its alive

you guys... i feel like a new person today. i can get out of bed and move and breathe and walk up and down the stairs. sorry, I'm just really happy. i woke up this morning to a real life blizzard. its snowing so hard, but its barely sticking to the ground. weird right. my muscles feel so weak. i was looking at myself in the mirror and my hips are jutting out of my skin. and my arms look so stringy. being sick was literally eating away at me. my step mother told me i look sickly. she offered to make me food, but honestly the thought of food is making me feel ill. so i made a giant cup of coffee and retreated back to my room. i have a lot of coursework to catch up on. college.... ugh. I'm not ready to get on the scale yet. i want to go to the gym but this weather may prevent that. hm well, ill write later. I'm going to get on this work. xx

just another monday. its march already. where is this year going. everything is moving so fast. I'm so sick, its awful. i haven't eaten anything more than soup in the past 5 or 6 days. i don't really remember. I've been in my bed the whole time. i haven't been to the gym since i first got sick. today is the first day i can actually do more than lay in bed and cry at how much pain I'm in. i don't know what is wrong with me. i should go to the doctors but i hate that place more than anything. so i won't. well let me tell about what I've been up to the past 23 or so days its been since I've last written. and before i got sick. i was doing a day of fasting a day of <800c. gym everyday. it was actually working. i was losing about a pound every 2 days. but I'm not really sure where I am now. since I've been bed ridden for a little over a week. i bought a pair of size 0 shorts, determined fit into them once the weather permits. its time for me to go back to sleep, I've used all my energy for the day getting on the computer (hah) until next time. xx

meow

monday, the start of a new week. I've been doing pretty well even though i hadn't written in forever. except the fact that I'm beyond miserable out here. i haven't been this depressed in a really long time its almost scary. i think the fact that I'm always either a. sad b.stressed or c.both is helping me lose weight. not to mention my list of safe foods has gotten so small the past two months. my step mother doesn't seem to care though, she is always on some new fucking diet. she told me i had body dysmorphia the other day... like i didn't already know that. my mother and father do seem worried though. they probably want to send me back to ip. but we all know that won't fucking happen. i measured myself on friday and in past two months I've lost 1.5 inches from my hips. 2.5 inches from my waist. 3 inches from my bust. and 3 inches from my thighs. not good enough. definitely not good enough. one good thing i can think of thats come from this is I've been drawing more. its strange how that works. suffering and creativity go hand in hand. hm.

oh wow

I've been gone for quite some time. I've come back to my home town and in turn, have been more miserable than ever. I won't go into detail now because I am running a bit late today. but yesterday's stats
B:coffee, apple
L:coffee
D: corn, peas, lima beans w/ 1/2 chicken breast
E: 4 mile run, 30 min strength

ladies

I'm back.

006

I hate food. absolutely hate it.

005

well friends, as you can see i survived thanksgiving. its already december. where did the time go? The rest of this year is flying past me, while i just stand here. waiting. the past two weeks i have been on the fruit and vegetable diet with ONE unhealthy snack a week (just for fun) its been working quite well actually. i usually eat a fruit with pb for breakfast, cold vegetables or fruit for lunch and a salad with whatever I'm feeling that day on top. I have been pretty down lately. I am moving back to my hometown after this semester is over and I just know its not going to end well, for me. I couldn't even keep it together for the 5 days that I was there over thanksgiving break. speaking of break, it was horrid, but i survived. I kept track of how many times I cried over those 4 days... FOURTEEN TIMES. how is that even possible. the girl that doesn't cry did enough crying in 5 days to last her at least 10 more years. ha.. thats pathetic. i am pathetic. I am supposed to be packing my apartment up over the next few weeks, but i just can't bring myself to do it. i can't imagine myself back home. i know i have to go but i just know that its going to end very, very badly. my father is psychotic and he wants me to be unhappy.. actually, he just wants to control my life. yes, i know i sound like a typical girl with "daddy" issues. but its honestly so much more than that. i know i pretty much ranted this entire post about absolutely nothing worth reading. its weird, you know. i do a better job at somewhat explaining my thoughts to people i have never and probably will never meet, but when it comes to people that actually know me, i can't do it. or when it comes to my parents, i can do nothing except cry..