i hate myself for being so weak. weak and fat.

temporary lapse of judgement

last night i had a temporary lapse of judgement and i told one of my guy friends about my issues with food. the funny thing is.. he didn't really care. he was more concerned with my not cutting myself than anything else. probably because I'm too fat to even look like i have a problem. I was slightly upset because i almost thought he was going to be the one to shake my by my shoulders and tell me that I'm worth it and i don't have to starve myself to see that. but no, so here i am. still waiting for the day someone will actually care about me. i hate this. i really do. not eating today, i can't go into the kitchen without being disgusted by all the food we have. today is definitely a coffee kind of day. regardless, my stomach is starting to thin out again. i can see my ribs when i lift my shirt up. hip bones when i pull my pants down. bones are a marker that you're beginning to win the race, but I've only begun.

five days

the past 5 days have been out of control crazy. i hung out with my mom everyday and got water every night. i was a mess, hence why i haven't written in so long. my mother took me grocery shopping.. it was hard but i just sucked it up and did it. her and her friend kept talking about me as we walked up and down every isle and i passed all the foods i used to eat. my mom kept asking me to get stuff and I'm just like no.. i don't really eat that. she kept telling me how thin i am and how I'm turning into 'nothing' hahah what a beautiful thing to be, nothing. i couldnt help but laugh to myself.. I'm everything but thin. I'm massive. i ate a lot while she was here. every time she wanted to go out for lunch or cook me dinner i nodded my head and ate what was on my plate. i am however, feeling the results of that. I've had a stomach ache for two days from eating food my body hasn't processed in months. its okay though, it will go away. going to the gym after i write this. I'm ready to get back on track. luna bar for breakfast today... and tuna with salt & pepper for lunch. were having tilapia, corn, and roasted potatoes for dinner tonight. sigh. oh the boy that I've been referring to in posts past, we hung out everyday over my break. i don't know what that means, but he is really sweet, kind of. i haven't stood on my scale in forever... i know I'm going to dread what i see. but i going to stand on it tomorrow. i have goals to accomplish.

day one

my mother came to my job. I'm not going to lie, it is really nice to see her. i fucking miss that woman. i am trying very hard to stay 100% positive and be as nice to her as i can. she wants to take me shopping and can i just say i am not ready for that. i can't try on clothes i just can't do that. I'm not ready yet. she made me have dinner with her and i ate a salad with broccoli, ate it all and she goes 'wow thats the most I've seen you eat in months' ...thanks mom. i don't know, its like she knows but she just doesn't say anything. I'm going to go to the gym after i write this and work out till i feel like passing out. my mom thinks i am at school getting tutored. i am such a bitch sometimes but i feel like if i told my mom that she couldn't come over yet because i wanted to work out she would probably get mad. i don't know.
i don't know has become my answer for everything. goodness. I'm not eating today unless my mom tries to take me somewhere. I'm going to stand on my scale before i go so ill post about that nonsense later.
xx

good, bad, and in between

officially on my fall break! which means a week off classes. which means my mother will be arriving soon. which means welcome back mentally unstable me. speaking of unstable i almost had a panic attack in my second class today. it was terrible i couldn't speak or do anything except turn really red and shake. it would have been embarrassing but no one was paying attention to me, except my professor. he was just giving me this look like "i feel sorry for whatever is bothering you" he is always giving me those looks. and asking me if I'm alright.. whats bothering me... blah blah blah. nothing (everything) is always my answer. but regardless as soon as class was over i came home even though i have one more class i just couldn't stop shaking... so here i am started my fall break early.. I'm excited to not have class because i really do need a break. although i am going to tell my mom i have class tomorrow so she doesn't think she is going to be spending all day with me. I'm happy that i get to see her, but i really don't want to deal with crazy psycho bitch that lives inside her. you see, my mother is very, very angry. and she always takes that out on me. always has, and always will. she takes all of her resentment, frustration, anger, and sadness out on me and i will say that is part of the reason i am so fucked up. the other part would be my fathers doing, but i don't want to get into that.. not yet at least. i haven't eaten yet today. i probably won't eat today. i just don't want to. and since my mother is going to be around she is going to make me eat so.. every chance I'm not with her, I'm going to take that time to not eat and workout.
so today in one of my classes wee had to go up to the board and write things about our bodies that we've learned thorough time. things like being tan, tall, wearing make up shit like that. so many people wrote being thin that it started a conversation about eating disorders, and there i was sitting next to the girl that cuts herself and she looks over at me and gives me the 'i know' look. & let me tell you about girl who cuts herself.. she has scars from her wrist to elbow, in every direction. and ever since she saw my scars one day in class, she has been sitting next to me ever since. she always gives me looks when i come in with long sleeves, assuming I've done some damage to myself in days past. but i don't really cut anymore. i haven't in awhile. but anyway, girl who cuts herself has seen me writing in my food journal in class before. i don't really care that she knows, i mean what is she going to do. but it was just awkward having her give me that i know your secret look in class. i mean.. if you looked at me i don't think you would think i have a problem. i think i play it off pretty damn well.

class ..

it's only 3:45 and I've already cried about 4 times today. I'm just so emotional it's really beginning to annoy me. I'm actually in class right now not paying any attention (clearly) but well what can you do. I've had a banana with peanut butter and a few grapes. doing good. gym after this class and I'm going to do an insanity video. I just want to sleep but I have about 7 hours worth of homework plus a paper to write tonight. I haven't weighed myself today but my roommate told me I looked really skinny today. that's always good! I'm going to wait y til tomorrow to weigh myself. hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised and wake up tomorrow skinny but that's doubtful okay I'm done rambling for now. time to attempt to pay attention

Rant.. and some boy stuff

one of my friends came over yesterday after i got out of class with pizza and candy and movies so we watched.. i ate a piece of pizza to avoid any real questioning. but i felt so bad after that i had to purge. for the first time in months... i hated it, but i felt 100 times better after just knowing that i didn't have that greasy food inside of me. still feeling bad this morning i did two insanity videos and went for a run. i have to work today which is good. i haven't eaten yet, but i already now what I'm going to have. 1/2 of a banana with peanut butter. and I'm going to eat the other half once i get home from work if I'm hungry. i have been so stressed out recently i almost can't stand it. stressed.. depressed. i don't know you. i slept for almost 12 hours last night and didn't go to my class this morning. and the crazy thing is.. I'm still tired. thats what my life has become. don't eat.. work out till you throw up or pass out.. get used to being tired. always fucking tired. i don't know. i just wish i wasn't fat. i wish that i wasn't such a fuck up. i just want to be good enough for once in my life.

and now switching topics completely because i don't want to bore everyone with my sob stories.. again. that boy i posted about earlier came to my house last night, just to hang out. he is very similar to me its kind of crazy. he is kind of crazy. but i like that. and i like him. not like that, just as a new friend. a new friend that i kiss. haha oh well, it happens. i need to shower and start my day, so until then
xx