004

So I go home today. I successfully fasted yesterday and now today I'm going to eat 1/2 an apple after I work out and the other half before I go to the airport. I don't know if i can do this. thanksgiving is going to be SUCH a hassle. how am I supposed to explain oh I don't eat bread.. or deserts... dressings, rice, blah blah blah. I have a whole goddamn list of things I can't eat. okay enough ranting. I just feel so stuck. there are reasons I moved away from home. I don't want to go back there. that place made me sick. literally. sigh. I will continue this rant later. my roommate just got in.

003

I slept and did work all weekend. except Saturday night my roommate and I just got really drunk just because and damn. I was drunk. I drunkly ate a lot of fruit (thankfully) and peanut butter. ha. I leave on Wednesday and I'm pretty much planning on fasting until then. so the day fast has commenced. on another note I am working out at 8am tomorrow. I have so much work to do this week it's just annoying. and stressful. and going home is freaking me out.

002

everyday I over think my going home for thanksgiving. I already know what everyone is going to say. & i don't want to deal with that. my mother already gave me the lecture when she came down last month. and I haven't seen my dad since July. And I've lost well over 10lbs since then. I'm just scared he's going to send me back to to in patient. or make me come home from school next semester. I mean I'm no where near as thin as I was back in those days but I'm certainly on my way. the mindset is here. but losing takes time. ahhhh sksibsk annoyed. I'm going to work out for a few hours.

001

it's been awhile since i have written. but I'm back. the past week I've done a lot of soul searching. a lot of fasting, working out, and two days of self indulgence. regardless i am waking up at 7 to workout tomorrow, call me crazy. i need to get in as much exercise as i can. so much fat it makes me sick. I'm going home next wednesday. I'm very, very scared. i really don't want to go. even though its only 4 days i don't want to see my family. i don't want to deal with them. i don't want them to ask me things. i don't want them to make me eat. i just want to be left alone. pretty much every day the last week i have been going to the library, into this quiet little corner and staying there for hours. listening to music, studying, reading, getting on tumblr. its just wonderful to be there in my own little world

i didn't even realized that 5 days have passed since i last wrote. goodness, this past weekend was shit. i ate everything. well, friday i only ate rice. saturday i went to a wedding and completely lost all self control... well, what little self control i did have. sunday i went to dinner with my friends. we went to a mexican restaurant and i ate 1/4 of my chicken enchilada before claiming to be 'beyond full' but that night we went out, and got drunk (of course) and i accidentally told my friend about my lack of eating. well not accidentally, it just came out. haha word vomit. but she lives back home. and she is coming down this weekend to visit. and now i know she is going to be on my back to eat this whole weekend. gross. today I've had a luna bar and some soup. I'm going to the gym after i finish this post. i have been so depressed all day. i just feel like such a failure. not just about food, i feel like I'm failing at my life. i am just so unhappy with myself i can hardly stand it.

01

the past two days have been good, surprisingly. two good days in a row doesn't usually happen to me. i went grocery shopping monday and it wasn't as hard as normal. since my roommate was with me, she kind of knows i get.. antsy at the grocery. so she doesn't rush me or comment on things i get (or don't get) its nice that way. but I'm getting up early as shit tomorrow to study for about 4 hours before class. i have been focusing a lot on going to school and going to the gym. i spent 2 hours studying on the elliptical today 3 yesterday. both of those things really take my mind off eating. bout today i ate an apple for breakfast, chicken and corn for dinner. not too bad. i still haven't gotten on my scale. i am just waiting it out. i need to get on it. soon, but not yet. i don't know. i just know I'm going to be so unhappy with what i see. but at the same time, part of me is hoping it will be surprisingly low. its kind of up in the air.

0

uhhhh i hate that i don't post everyday. I'm seriously going to work on it. but this weekend was great. friday i stayed under 400c and saturday i had an apple and some pretzels in the morning. and then saturday night i went out, and got drunk super fast from not really eating the past few days. i had a great night out and a lot of people told me i looked thin and pretty. it was encouraging. but this morning when i woke up i heard my roommate and her boy toy talking about me (awkward) he asked her why there was a sticky note on the fridge that said 'you don't want it' and she told him that I'm obsessed with losing weight. yes, i put a sticky note on our fridge and one inside the pantry, just as some inspiration not to eat anything.. ha ha. but i really do not appreciate her telling him that. mainly because he asked me a few weeks ago why i didn't like myself. my reply: a lot of reasons. oh whatever, it could always be worse. i have such a long day tomorrow its unreal. oh! i totally forgot, saturday night my costume was low around the waist so you could see the scars on my hips. i mean i usually don't care when people see my scars but some of them were new-ish so it was just kind of weird having my friends look at me, look at my scars, look back at me... you get the point. the funny thing though, they all stared, but no one said anything. i mean hey, the less questions, the better

i haven't stood on my scale but i feel lighter. my collar/hip bones are showing a bit more and my tummy is flatter. i know I'm losing, i just don't know how much. not enough of course. never enough. we're going grocery shopping tomorrow (fuck) because we literally have no food. i like it like this but i have to be mindful i live with two other girls that have a normal relationship with food. ha. i need to make a list before i go to sleep tonight. fruit and vegetables only. i swear i could stay up all night looking at healthy recipes, food thats help you lose weight, blah blah blah shit like that. i know you all like to do the same thing. its addicting. sigh i need to get my life together and finish getting ready for tomorrow.
until then xx