dos

two morning classes today. loved them both but being some so early results in one thing: snacking. I snacked all day. on healthy foods but snacking non the less. my roommate and I made dinner. I made chicken with pineapple and edamame. she made potatoes. one of my new roommates ... I feel like she used to have an ed or has one. the scary thing is she sounds just like me when i talk about food. christ. but anyway tomorrow I am getting up early to run errands and do homework before class. Tomorrow is also a starving day. salad for lunch and dinner. coffee and fruit for breakfast. I try to have at least 4 days a week of SY days. sy meaning starve yourself. I need to go to sleep. so tired. so stoned. too much to do tomorrow. too much to do everyday.

Back to college

My first day of college was great. I love my classes and professors. Ate decent today. I had like 5 cups of coffee today, oops. 1/2 chicken sandwich on wheat with a salad for lunch, grapes & pretzels as a snack, and salad for dinner. Went to the gym, ran and got on the elliptical. overall, today was a good day. I'm doing yoga tomorrow! I'm excited. I'm still going to workout like normal though. its crazy how some days are so good and some days are not so good. but.. I'll take what I can get

sometimes

sometimes i wonder how its possible for me to hate myself as much as i do. the guy that I'm working with was laughing at my thighs... as if i didn't already hate myself, lets all point out how fat my legs are. I just.. sometimes i wonder how I'm so damn good at hiding my emotions. sometimes I even scare myself

holy shit

i can't believe the summer is over. i start school in a week. i haven't written the entire summer. but i could sum it up in one word: fluctuate. Fluctuating emotions, fluctuating weight. fluctuated life. I'm at my last two camps this week before i go back to school. I managed to lose, depending on the month. but now that I can get back to school, & back to pattern I'll be able to permanently keep this weight off. when I was home for a few weeks I got in trouble for not eating enough. my dad was 'distressed' because he said my spine was 'prominent'

....regardless it was an up and down summer. I ate, I didn't eat. I worked out, I didn't work out. the past two weeks have been not working out and eating. I think I was beginning to scare the person I've been working with. he was saying that i don't ever eat and always giving me this look. so what did I do, I ate. I even ate Chinese food one night with him. don't think I'm doing this because I like this guy. I just don't want history to repeat itself. play it cool and everyone wins. I'm going to start school being the fat girl again. god I'm not looking forward to this. ive gotten really good at not seeing people. when I go places if you just blur out their faces, you'll never see them staring. I think I'm just crazy... probably.

on a more fun note I'm at the beach and it's fucking perfect. I missed the sea

over this and it's only the second day

just about ready to kill myself. or have an extreme anxiety attack. left for my new training job, and it's hard work definitely. basically 8 hours a day of sweating. but I haven't been to the gym in 3 days and I'm pretty much going crazy. I can feel myself getting fatter. I'm going absolutely insane and no one has noticed. the hotel im at has no gym and im pretty much in the middle of no where. I guess I can do insanity but I really just need to run. run until I can't anymore. I'm pretty much just rambling but I honestly just feel so awful I hate this. I hate being fat. I hate being me.

quick

breakfast: rice
lunch: larabar
dinner: rice

ran for an hour then got on the elliptical for 45. so today was a decent day. leaving for my job today! pretty much done packing too thank god. I packed my scale and my roommate was like are you really that anal that you have to bring that. me: ....yes
haha oh well. but I just wanted to write a little. I'm so tired and I have to be up early.
xx stay strong

it hurt but less now

my ex- that I can't get over and he wants me back- told his friend that I got fat. over it. over him. permanently. when I found out last night I of course, had a panic attack and cried myself to sleep. but I woke up this morning, and smoked a blunt word my roommate so right now I just don't care. well see though, well see whose fat. yesterday I had chex mix in the afternoon and chicken for dinner. ran and did insanity. today I've had steamed veggies and rice. I'm going to go run later. but until then I'm going to sit outside and enjoy my coffee on this pretty day