meow

monday, the start of a new week. I've been doing pretty well even though i hadn't written in forever. except the fact that I'm beyond miserable out here. i haven't been this depressed in a really long time its almost scary. i think the fact that I'm always either a. sad b.stressed or c.both is helping me lose weight. not to mention my list of safe foods has gotten so small the past two months. my step mother doesn't seem to care though, she is always on some new fucking diet. she told me i had body dysmorphia the other day... like i didn't already know that. my mother and father do seem worried though. they probably want to send me back to ip. but we all know that won't fucking happen. i measured myself on friday and in past two months I've lost 1.5 inches from my hips. 2.5 inches from my waist. 3 inches from my bust. and 3 inches from my thighs. not good enough. definitely not good enough. one good thing i can think of thats come from this is I've been drawing more. its strange how that works. suffering and creativity go hand in hand. hm.

oh wow

I've been gone for quite some time. I've come back to my home town and in turn, have been more miserable than ever. I won't go into detail now because I am running a bit late today. but yesterday's stats
B:coffee, apple
L:coffee
D: corn, peas, lima beans w/ 1/2 chicken breast
E: 4 mile run, 30 min strength

ladies

I'm back.

006

I hate food. absolutely hate it.

005

well friends, as you can see i survived thanksgiving. its already december. where did the time go? The rest of this year is flying past me, while i just stand here. waiting. the past two weeks i have been on the fruit and vegetable diet with ONE unhealthy snack a week (just for fun) its been working quite well actually. i usually eat a fruit with pb for breakfast, cold vegetables or fruit for lunch and a salad with whatever I'm feeling that day on top. I have been pretty down lately. I am moving back to my hometown after this semester is over and I just know its not going to end well, for me. I couldn't even keep it together for the 5 days that I was there over thanksgiving break. speaking of break, it was horrid, but i survived. I kept track of how many times I cried over those 4 days... FOURTEEN TIMES. how is that even possible. the girl that doesn't cry did enough crying in 5 days to last her at least 10 more years. ha.. thats pathetic. i am pathetic. I am supposed to be packing my apartment up over the next few weeks, but i just can't bring myself to do it. i can't imagine myself back home. i know i have to go but i just know that its going to end very, very badly. my father is psychotic and he wants me to be unhappy.. actually, he just wants to control my life. yes, i know i sound like a typical girl with "daddy" issues. but its honestly so much more than that. i know i pretty much ranted this entire post about absolutely nothing worth reading. its weird, you know. i do a better job at somewhat explaining my thoughts to people i have never and probably will never meet, but when it comes to people that actually know me, i can't do it. or when it comes to my parents, i can do nothing except cry..

004

So I go home today. I successfully fasted yesterday and now today I'm going to eat 1/2 an apple after I work out and the other half before I go to the airport. I don't know if i can do this. thanksgiving is going to be SUCH a hassle. how am I supposed to explain oh I don't eat bread.. or deserts... dressings, rice, blah blah blah. I have a whole goddamn list of things I can't eat. okay enough ranting. I just feel so stuck. there are reasons I moved away from home. I don't want to go back there. that place made me sick. literally. sigh. I will continue this rant later. my roommate just got in.

003

I slept and did work all weekend. except Saturday night my roommate and I just got really drunk just because and damn. I was drunk. I drunkly ate a lot of fruit (thankfully) and peanut butter. ha. I leave on Wednesday and I'm pretty much planning on fasting until then. so the day fast has commenced. on another note I am working out at 8am tomorrow. I have so much work to do this week it's just annoying. and stressful. and going home is freaking me out.