weekend

this weekend was long. and tiring. all day friday i stayed in my apartment. i didn't feel like dealing with anyone or doing anything. the only time i left was to go to the gym. i don't know. i have just been so down lately. and i really hate it. saturday i wanted to sleep all day but my roommate forced me to go out with her. she keeps complaining that i am spending too much time in the house. I'm sorry that every time i leave my apartment, all i can do is be paranoid about how i look and hate myself. but reluctantly i went out with her. we went to our friends apartment. as soon as we got there i got started drinking. one drink turned into two. two turned into some shots and next thing i know I'm drunk. at least i wasn't feeling shy anymore. hah.. and that guy that i have been posting about was there. he came to my apartment later in the night to talk and what not. apparently he has been having panic attacks.. and i told him how i have them and about how i used to take medicine for it. i don't know, i think this guy is almost like the less fucked up guy version on me. i don't know i still am iffy about him. but anyway, saturday was good. I'm glad i went out. i used to go out so much and actually be social but its just so hard these days. i haven't really been eating this weekend. just fruit, peanut butter, things like that. except today i ordered food with my roommates because they wanted to have a movie day. so i did... and i ate it all.. i felt so guilty. i have been cutting more recently. I've just been feeling so awful and guilty.. and every time i eat something i shouldn't.. thats one. mostly on my hips. i can't do too much damage on my arms without causing attention. i don't know why i even started this again. its been so long. this is how i know I'm fucked up. because when i used to cut myself.. i was really fucked up. sometimes i do scare myself. and then other times i feel like I'm just complaining too much. i just want to sleep for a very, very long time. and when i finally wake up, everything is better.