officially on my fall break! which means a week off classes. which means my mother will be arriving soon. which means welcome back mentally unstable me. speaking of unstable i almost had a panic attack in my second class today. it was terrible i couldn't speak or do anything except turn really red and shake. it would have been embarrassing but no one was paying attention to me, except my professor. he was just giving me this look like "i feel sorry for whatever is bothering you" he is always giving me those looks. and asking me if I'm alright.. whats bothering me... blah blah blah. nothing (everything) is always my answer. but regardless as soon as class was over i came home even though i have one more class i just couldn't stop shaking... so here i am started my fall break early.. I'm excited to not have class because i really do need a break. although i am going to tell my mom i have class tomorrow so she doesn't think she is going to be spending all day with me. I'm happy that i get to see her, but i really don't want to deal with crazy psycho bitch that lives inside her. you see, my mother is very, very angry. and she always takes that out on me. always has, and always will. she takes all of her resentment, frustration, anger, and sadness out on me and i will say that is part of the reason i am so fucked up. the other part would be my fathers doing, but i don't want to get into that.. not yet at least. i haven't eaten yet today. i probably won't eat today. i just don't want to. and since my mother is going to be around she is going to make me eat so.. every chance I'm not with her, I'm going to take that time to not eat and workout.
so today in one of my classes wee had to go up to the board and write things about our bodies that we've learned thorough time. things like being tan, tall, wearing make up shit like that. so many people wrote being thin that it started a conversation about eating disorders, and there i was sitting next to the girl that cuts herself and she looks over at me and gives me the 'i know' look. & let me tell you about girl who cuts herself.. she has scars from her wrist to elbow, in every direction. and ever since she saw my scars one day in class, she has been sitting next to me ever since. she always gives me looks when i come in with long sleeves, assuming I've done some damage to myself in days past. but i don't really cut anymore. i haven't in awhile. but anyway, girl who cuts herself has seen me writing in my food journal in class before. i don't really care that she knows, i mean what is she going to do. but it was just awkward having her give me that i know your secret look in class. i mean.. if you looked at me i don't think you would think i have a problem. i think i play it off pretty damn well.
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