tuesday blues

today has been rather uneventful. its sad and dreary outside so naturally all i wanted to do was stay in bed. Unfortunately I had a hard time waking up for work and i was late (again). God I seriously need to get my shit together. Visited my grandmother after work. She asked me why I looked like I haven't slept in days. I told her about how I have been beyond tired recently and now she is demanding I go take a blood test. She wants to be make sure I don't have mono and check my iron levels. blah blah blah. i don't really want to do it. But I feel like i have to. She threatened to call my father. So to avoid involving him in this little charade I will get blood work... (eventually). I did pretty well food wise today. I am actually sitting here eating my dinner and typing. egg white omelet and grapes. I decided to have a bigger dinner since I kept my cal intake low today and pretty much killed myself at the gym today. I am beyond sore. But its so necessary. I leave in two weeks and I know I'm no where near where I wanted to be. Im repulsive. honestly.

Breakfast: apple/banana smoothie 150c
Lunch:
Dinner: egg white omelet with cheese & turkey 111c/ 12 grapes 36c
Snacks: gerber baby pouch 50c/ 1/2cup blackberries 34c
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manic Mondays

I don't know how to explain how I feel. It's like one minute everything is fine and next I'm completely falling apart. I just get so frustrated with myself. why is nothing I ever do good enough for anyone. I don't feel like getting into that right now because I just want to sleep. Last night I passed out as soon as I laid down. And then it took me almost two hours to get out of bed this morning. I was 15 minutes late to work and then on my break I fell asleep for another hour. I don't know why I'm so tired. But it's making it hard to function. I forced myself to run for an hour. Then do some weights and ab work. I was literally half asleep at the gym. I wanted to run with my eyes closed but that is a lot harder than it looks (ha) I've also found a new food. It's the Gerber organic baby food. it comes in a pouch and its delicious. Only 50 calories, no fat, and barely any sugar or carbs. The best part it comes in a million different flavors. There are fruit veggie and grain flavors. I decided I'm going to live off then this summer. Since ill be staying in hotels every week I won't be able to make my smoothies. And I sure as hell won't be eating fast food every night. I've complied a list of safe foods that can travel with me this summer. It's like every week I find another safe food that can travel. I don't know if I should be eating baby food or not but I am. I think I want to liquid diet for 3 days. But I'll need to go to the grocery for greens to blend. Hm. Here are today's tracks. I didn't calculate calories although I should have..




Breakfast: strawberry/ banana smoothie


Lunch:

Dinner: Gerber pouch, 5 saltines with peanut butter

Snacks: 3 blackberries, 10 grapes

today

i was advised to try eating 6 small meals a day. hm. its hard

Breakfast: applesauce pouch 60c

Snack: Lunch: apple/ banana smoothie 292c

Snack:

Dinner: egg white omelet & strawberries 156c

Snack:

----508c------



1hr run (5mph) -508c ab circuit/weights

well todays final intake was 0. Not sure how to feel about it. I do know however that i feel like a 0. A failure. I have so many things to say but I'm not sure how I want to word them.

choices

I'll be traveling again this summer. It took me awhile to decide to accept the job again. I am excited because I'll get to be traveling and basically working out all day and getting paid. But I have a lot of things to accomplish beforehand. I have about two and a half months till I leave. I want to lose about 15-20lbs before I go. This past weekend was horrid i don't even want to talk about it. I need to get back on track. It was just so hard since I had a guest stay with me all weekend. and it felt like every couple of hours he was telling me to go eat, making me something, taking me somewhere. and i couldn't just say no. so i ate. and i ate. and i cried every night that weekend standing on the scale watching the numbers go up. every fucking night. but i am refusing to get on the scale until thursday, after my cleanse is over. but i recently took a pill... so I'm beginning to lose my train of thought. i swear i need to keep myself sedated to avoid blowing my fucking brains out. sober me is not a happy girl.

this whole weekend has been actually pretty good-food wise. Kept it under 500c friday. I went to yoga in the morning, ran for 2 hours in the afternoon and a cycle class at night. Saturday I probably ate around 1,000c. Yoga agin in the morning, and I did this body pump class at night. It was really tiring. It was hard to keep up with these machines. Seriously these ladies were so fit- made me look like a fool (hah) but it was really fun. Today i had an apple for breakfast then went to the gym and ran 7 miles, then worked on my stomach. I'm just going to stay in my room and avoid the kitchen until i want dinner. which will be a cup of vegetables and a 2 oz. piece of chicken. i've been by myself a lot recently so I haven't had anyone on my back about eating and exercising. The people at my gym all know me because I'm there so much. It's funny actually. They are always encouraging my workouts and telling me I look good. I don't feel it though. I still feel huge. disgusting. Im probably always going to feel this way. Whatever. Im not happy with the scale. at all. But i guess it will get there, hopefully. Monday is back to my one day of fasting one day of eating. I do that Mon-thurs and then friday-sun i eat everyday. i don't really have any other exciting news. my life is boring. filled with school work and meal planning. its just so weird to me that my life literally evolves around food. what am i going to eat today (or not eat). how long am i going to have to exercise to burn this off... blah blah blah. sometimes it gets to be too much. but.. it is my life.

its alive

you guys... i feel like a new person today. i can get out of bed and move and breathe and walk up and down the stairs. sorry, I'm just really happy. i woke up this morning to a real life blizzard. its snowing so hard, but its barely sticking to the ground. weird right. my muscles feel so weak. i was looking at myself in the mirror and my hips are jutting out of my skin. and my arms look so stringy. being sick was literally eating away at me. my step mother told me i look sickly. she offered to make me food, but honestly the thought of food is making me feel ill. so i made a giant cup of coffee and retreated back to my room. i have a lot of coursework to catch up on. college.... ugh. I'm not ready to get on the scale yet. i want to go to the gym but this weather may prevent that. hm well, ill write later. I'm going to get on this work. xx

just another monday. its march already. where is this year going. everything is moving so fast. I'm so sick, its awful. i haven't eaten anything more than soup in the past 5 or 6 days. i don't really remember. I've been in my bed the whole time. i haven't been to the gym since i first got sick. today is the first day i can actually do more than lay in bed and cry at how much pain I'm in. i don't know what is wrong with me. i should go to the doctors but i hate that place more than anything. so i won't. well let me tell about what I've been up to the past 23 or so days its been since I've last written. and before i got sick. i was doing a day of fasting a day of <800c. gym everyday. it was actually working. i was losing about a pound every 2 days. but I'm not really sure where I am now. since I've been bed ridden for a little over a week. i bought a pair of size 0 shorts, determined fit into them once the weather permits. its time for me to go back to sleep, I've used all my energy for the day getting on the computer (hah) until next time. xx