hiatus

and just like that, October has crept up on me. Quick little catch up on what I have been up to. I am back home now. I got a job at the gym I work out at (how perfect). I am back in school (online classes of course) and I am still in a rut. I havent been on the scale in a few weeks. Restricting and binging and exercising till I nearly die is an everyday thing. Well, the binging is mostly a saturday kind of thing. I almost passed out at the gym on Friday. Thank god I didn't. Since I know everyone that works there it would have even been more mortifying. Getting out of bed in the morning is becoming a struggle. I was doing pretty good for awhile when I first returned. I thought I was bad then- I hadnt seen anything yet. I have these moments where everything is fine and dandy. and then next thing I know- I'm ready to rip everyones head off and shoot myself. I am an emotional roller coaster. An emotional mess.

oh

Down about 5lbs since the last time I posted. 5 days ago. small strides. Went to the gym yesterday and ran about 6 miles. Did some core work then called it a day. I didn't go to the gym today, I was exhausted after work. But I did manage to do some core work when I got back to my hotel. Today consisted of working my ass off, I pretty much sweat all day today. Which is good. I woke up late so I didn't have time for breakfast. 1/2 an apple with pb for lunch. Spinach, blueberries, 4 strawberries, and two carrots as my afternoon snack. And then a plate full of veggies (corn, edename, carrots, and broccoli) for dinner. Everyday I find it harder and harder to get of bed. I know that I'm spiraling fast but I just can't seem to do anything to correct it. Well- not yet. It's like looking at the scale and watching the numbers fall just gives me the strength I need to keep restricting. To keep letting myself fall further and further down the rabbit hole. I'm extremely nervous about going home. I'm not ready. My life there is nothing. Being home always made me sick. I felt depressed every single day. This job was my escape. And yes, it's hard at times but I'm not ready for it to be over. I'm not ready to deal with all the shit I ran away from. I guess the only good thing about being back is I'll have my gym back. But I'll have to look for another job. Sign back up for college. Basically grow the fuck up- again. I don't want to deal with my step mother and crazy father. I need to start looking for a new place to live. My friend who I am considering living with recovered from ED about a year ago. Yes she still has struggles and I don't want to deter her progress but at the same time it will be nice to live with someone who understands what I'm going through. Although, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know 100% about my struggles. She has an idea, but I always denied that I had a problem. Always. To everyone. But I guess when you live with someone you catch on fairly quickly to what they are like- inside. Who knows maybe it will be good for me to talk about this. I don't know. I have been considering going back to therapy. Even though I despise it at times- part of me feels that I need to get some of this weight off my chest. I don't know. About anything really. My life, my future, my plans, my body- it's just one big I don't know.

breakfast: coffee
lunch: hand full of grapes
dinner: turkey sandwich on wheat with tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce, spinach, black pepper
snacks: 3 honey wheat pretzels

As soon as I got to my hotel today I went to the fitness center and ran for about two hours. I'm exhausted. Today was very blah. I don't really have much to say because !. I am very tired 2. I don't feel like going into a spiel about how shitty I feel about myself today and 3. Its not really like anybody cares so


I'm being dramatic and annoying so I'm just going to go to sleep and we'll try this again tomorrow.

She's back

Ive returned. I have spent the last three months traveling the country working, taking in the scenery, and trying to really enjoy the shit out of my life. There were ups and downs. I drowned her out for so long. Sure, I had a few relapses, now worse than ever. But for awhile, I was okay. I was able to drown out the voices telling me I was a failure. Telling me that every single piece of food I put into my mouth was going to be the end of me. I did so good for so long. I carried my scale with me all summer and I did not get on it once. Sure when I was down I restricted and exercised like my life depended on it, but I did not get on that scale. Until today. One step and it was all over. I cried for 45 minutes. Sure, I expected I would gain a little weight since I was trying to I guess we could call it recover. I was trying so hard to be normal, and fit in. But I went and I fucked it all up. I hate myself for getting on the scale but I hate myself even more for the number that I saw. And I know that this is where we start over, ground zero. All the progress, gone in an instant. I still have two more weeks working and I know exactly how they will be spent. I thought I was strong. I really did. I thought that I could do this. How many times am I going to come crawling back to her, begging for her forgiveness?

i hate weekends.

why is it that I can manage to keep it together during the week but when it comes to the weekend, I'm out of control. Friday was horrible. I don't even know how many calories I consumed. I blame my friend. She kept insisting that we go out to eat. I ruined such a great workout. I ran for an hour, did light weights, abs, and worked on my legs a lot. When I came home from the gym I was tired but I didn't want to go in the house. So i went for a two hour walk outside. But once I got home that is when the real issues started. My friend came over and said she wanted to go out to eat. So we went. And of course she was hounding me about not getting a salad and fucking fruit. To prove a point I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich on whole grain bread with tomatoes, lettuce, and provolone. and a side of fries. although I was screaming in my head not to do it- I reluctantly ate 1/2 the sandwich and all the fries. I felt repulsive. All I wanted to do was purge. But my friend is catching on. She ALWAYS wants to go out to eat. Fuck. Then later that night she decides she wants ice-cream. Need I remind you, I don't eat ice-cream anymore. So I ordered a small with rainbow sprinkles, took 5 bites then threw it away. Another point proven. The day just kept getting worse and worse. I bought a pack of cigarettes that night. I don't even smoke like that anymore. But I needed it. I was going bananas in my mind about everything I had eaten that day. Saturday (yesterday) I didn't even get to go to the gym.. I was kept out all day- eating- with friends and what not. And now I am up on this Sunday feeling as if I'm ready to blow my fucking brains out. I ate so much this weekend I feel horrible. I am a fucking failure. fuck. I'm fasting today. I have to get this shit out of my body. I have to kill myself at the gym today. there are no other options. I didn't want to wake up feeling like this. But I knew... I fucking knew this would happen if I went against every atom in my body screaming at me not to eat that shit.

wednesday and wired

i know i posted this morning but i figured id post about my day. i spent all day at the dentist office getting work done on my teeth that i ruined from my excessive purging. i took a xanny before i went to my first appointment and it went by so quick and painlessly. even though I've only been on it for two days i can tell that it works. as soon as i take one my anxiety level plummets and i feel so at ease. its amazing. at my second appointment i was feeling so relaxed that i fell asleep waiting for the doc to come in. hah only me. well i can only chew on one side of my mouth until next monday when i go back. but i am using this as a reason why i can't eat hard food. AKA i will be living off smoothies, eggs, and gerber babies. i slept for 4 hours when i finally got home from the dentist. my step mother made me come down to eat since i hadn't eaten since this morning. I had an egg white with a piece of turkey and a smoothie. i didn't go to the gym today. so i will have to double time tomorrow to make up for it. i am getting blood work tomorrow so hopefully i don't pass out at the gym. last time i got blood work i was so light headed it was awful. but on the plus side, i can't eat until after i get the work done. so I'm technically doing a 16 hour fast. i leave next week. its crazy the time has gone by so fast. I'm also on day 3 of no peanut butter. I'm not craving it either which is nice.

b: two egg whites w/ turkey & smoothie
l:
d: egg white w/ turkey & smoothie

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terrible fucking tuesday.

i was too upset to post last night. so ill do it now before i heard to the doctors. i went to the doctors yesterday pretty much by force. blah blah blah skip to me waiting for the nurse- she comes and weighs me. i of course didn't look at the scale but then she said the numbers out loud and I'm not sure what came over me. i usually control my emotions rather well but i just burst into tears. right there with her writing down my weight. i felt like a failure. i am fucking gross. she felt so bad she kept apologizing saying she didn't mean to make me upset. it was just so embarrassing and depressing. i felt so bad. but then my doctor came and i pulled it together so i could just get out of there. She wants me to try out xanax for my insomnia and anxiety. i also have to get my blood drawn. it was a pretty traumatic morning. while she was examining me she kept asking if i eat three times a day and how if i have any "depression" i lied of course and said no. i didn't feel like staying for their mini mental health exam. fuck that. i just feel so disgusting now. i hate this. & i hate myself.

tuesdays intake
B: smoothie
S:
L:salad with chicken, oranges, sunflower seeds
S: cereal
dinner: coffee