failures.

all day i have been obsessing about how much I've eaten. I spent a majority of the day in the company of people. people who push plates of food at me. I didn't eat till I got home at noon (I left my house at 4:15am) killed myself at the gym after I got off work. ran for an hour and a half lifted, worked core, legs, and more cardio. my post workout meal included a bowl of oatmeal with 1 tb pb, cinnamon, and a cut up apple then one egg sunny side up, an additional egg white and a piece of toast. my father forced me to eat every bite. I fought back tears because I don't eat bread and I don't eat egg yolks. I used to love sunny side up eggs (pre ed) and now they make me sick. so after my traumatizing morning I retreated into my bedroom and did an insanity video. Later that afternoon I went to see a friend and she insisted we go to dinner. so we went to her favorite Peruvian resturant where I had grilled chicken with green beans and carrots with corn on the side. I also had a small side salad as a starter. I didn't eat all of it but I ate a good portion. this is the same friend whos version of 'confronting' me about my 'issues' was telling me that I looked sick but if I wanted to talk she'd listen. ha ha god. then to make it worse she insisted on taking me to Starbucks (& ordering for me) a drink with AT LEAST 500c. so the whole way home I was calculating how much I would have to run to burn off today's failures. lets just say I'm going to be running for awhile. 

i didnt have to work today so that means i have no desire to leave my house. let alone get out of bed. I'm just tired. I feel that I’m heading toward that vacant space in my mind I desperately try to keep sealed.
for breakfast I had a cup of coffee and 1/2 an apple.
my pre workout meal was another cup of coffee and oatmeal with 1 tb peanut butter, cinnamon, a few almonds and the other half of my apple. i think once i get to the gym i will feel better although im going to have to actually be sociable with my co workers. in addition to not wanting to go anywhere i dont want to talk to anyone.

being told I look tired has to be one of the worst statements ever. aside from being called fat. my life is in the shitter. I am in the midst of an emotional tornado. too many emotions. too much to say.  no one to say it too. my best friend tried to kill herself Saturday. and man that has really been fucking with me. the guilt and anger are slowly eating me alive. aside from that there has been my usual emotional turmoil. I met a boy. we went on our second date yesterday. he's sweet. kind of an asshole but sweet. he asked me why I don't eat. got. what a great second date topic. I just brushed it off. like always. while we're on the topic of food- let's talk about how a guy I work with called me "meaty". what does that even mean.. well it meant that I had to take a 10 min break to bawl my eyes out in my car. as if I don't feel shitty enough about my body lets add comments from the opposite sex. man. fuck. I don't know.  I'm a mess. a complete fucking disaster. but I play it off so well. I'm so good I almost scare myself. 

sunday

i woke up this morning annoyed. with family, with my reflection, with my life. I'm having coffee for breakfast and plan on staying in my room for a majority of the day. i dont really want to interact with anyone today. i dont want to end up being a bitch like i usually am. i hate that my mood is so up and down. everyday its something different. something that either sets me off or send me into a pile a of tears. i feel as if i ramble about this everyday. on another note i want to lose 3.5lbs this week. i want to hit my first october goal. i'm going to the grocery at some point this week. ill post my list once i finish making it. i always have this love/hate relationship with the grocery store. i have talked about this numerous times on here but im going to reiterate. i love looking at all the different foods, smelling all the different smells, and seeing what other people buy. but at the same time i hate it because going there gives me such anxiety. its like sensory overload and i try to get fear foods and expand my food repertoire.. then i just end up putting it all back and sticking to my safe foods. its hard. i remember when eggs used to be a fear for me. i would not touch them. and i hated how they smelled. it took me a good year to finally be able to eat eggs. well, egg whites. i still cant eat the yolk. but i believe that every step is progress. well- until later

xx

hiatus

and just like that, October has crept up on me. Quick little catch up on what I have been up to. I am back home now. I got a job at the gym I work out at (how perfect). I am back in school (online classes of course) and I am still in a rut. I havent been on the scale in a few weeks. Restricting and binging and exercising till I nearly die is an everyday thing. Well, the binging is mostly a saturday kind of thing. I almost passed out at the gym on Friday. Thank god I didn't. Since I know everyone that works there it would have even been more mortifying. Getting out of bed in the morning is becoming a struggle. I was doing pretty good for awhile when I first returned. I thought I was bad then- I hadnt seen anything yet. I have these moments where everything is fine and dandy. and then next thing I know- I'm ready to rip everyones head off and shoot myself. I am an emotional roller coaster. An emotional mess.

oh

Down about 5lbs since the last time I posted. 5 days ago. small strides. Went to the gym yesterday and ran about 6 miles. Did some core work then called it a day. I didn't go to the gym today, I was exhausted after work. But I did manage to do some core work when I got back to my hotel. Today consisted of working my ass off, I pretty much sweat all day today. Which is good. I woke up late so I didn't have time for breakfast. 1/2 an apple with pb for lunch. Spinach, blueberries, 4 strawberries, and two carrots as my afternoon snack. And then a plate full of veggies (corn, edename, carrots, and broccoli) for dinner. Everyday I find it harder and harder to get of bed. I know that I'm spiraling fast but I just can't seem to do anything to correct it. Well- not yet. It's like looking at the scale and watching the numbers fall just gives me the strength I need to keep restricting. To keep letting myself fall further and further down the rabbit hole. I'm extremely nervous about going home. I'm not ready. My life there is nothing. Being home always made me sick. I felt depressed every single day. This job was my escape. And yes, it's hard at times but I'm not ready for it to be over. I'm not ready to deal with all the shit I ran away from. I guess the only good thing about being back is I'll have my gym back. But I'll have to look for another job. Sign back up for college. Basically grow the fuck up- again. I don't want to deal with my step mother and crazy father. I need to start looking for a new place to live. My friend who I am considering living with recovered from ED about a year ago. Yes she still has struggles and I don't want to deter her progress but at the same time it will be nice to live with someone who understands what I'm going through. Although, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know 100% about my struggles. She has an idea, but I always denied that I had a problem. Always. To everyone. But I guess when you live with someone you catch on fairly quickly to what they are like- inside. Who knows maybe it will be good for me to talk about this. I don't know. I have been considering going back to therapy. Even though I despise it at times- part of me feels that I need to get some of this weight off my chest. I don't know. About anything really. My life, my future, my plans, my body- it's just one big I don't know.

breakfast: coffee
lunch: hand full of grapes
dinner: turkey sandwich on wheat with tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce, spinach, black pepper
snacks: 3 honey wheat pretzels

As soon as I got to my hotel today I went to the fitness center and ran for about two hours. I'm exhausted. Today was very blah. I don't really have much to say because !. I am very tired 2. I don't feel like going into a spiel about how shitty I feel about myself today and 3. Its not really like anybody cares so


I'm being dramatic and annoying so I'm just going to go to sleep and we'll try this again tomorrow.