question

does this happen to anyone else..
when i dont eat all day then i decide to eat, i feel sick. like stomach ache nauseous sick.. i wonder if that happens to anyone besides me. it just makes me want to not eat, ever.
For example, I havent really eaten all day and I just made some oatmeal and I literally cannot eat it. I feel as if I'm going to throw up.

that was just my question for you guys today.

I woke up at 6 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. so naturally I decide to go to the gym. I did a cycling class today and honestly I've fallen in love. I could cycle everyday. and I just might. I binged this weekend. I swear it's like an every weekend thing. starve during the week binge on the weekends. sick but semi true. regardless of my weekly binges I am back on track with my workouts. my stomach is getting pretty lean and my hands are getting veiny. slow but steady progress. I try to remember patience is a virtue but I'm. so. damn. impatient. on a side note I'm really bloated right now from basically going calorie crazy with my brother today. he just kept insisting I eat this and try that. sure why not... eating with people to avoid suspicion is making me day. I have a week of hardwork in front of me but thankfully my house will be empty for an entire week starting Wednesday. Wednesday also starts my second cleanse. did one last week- lost 3lbs but binged over the weekend and haven't gotten on the scale since so I'm sure I ruined that one. sigh. I'm off to bed working at the crack or dawn literally kills me. stay strong. xx 

how has it already been so long since I last wrote. clearly I've been living under a rock. or something. but today my father told me that I don't eat. he actually told me that I eat air if you wanted me to be specific. I'm not really sure what he is getting at by telling me that. almost saying it in a joking way. I don't think it's funny.. regardless I spent this weekend not working out and eating everything in sight. I'm going to do a 3 day cleanse starting Monday to get this shit out of me. I feel repulsive. I have really isolated myself this weekend. and week. everyone's shit is just making me crazy. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone for awhile. 

failures.

all day i have been obsessing about how much I've eaten. I spent a majority of the day in the company of people. people who push plates of food at me. I didn't eat till I got home at noon (I left my house at 4:15am) killed myself at the gym after I got off work. ran for an hour and a half lifted, worked core, legs, and more cardio. my post workout meal included a bowl of oatmeal with 1 tb pb, cinnamon, and a cut up apple then one egg sunny side up, an additional egg white and a piece of toast. my father forced me to eat every bite. I fought back tears because I don't eat bread and I don't eat egg yolks. I used to love sunny side up eggs (pre ed) and now they make me sick. so after my traumatizing morning I retreated into my bedroom and did an insanity video. Later that afternoon I went to see a friend and she insisted we go to dinner. so we went to her favorite Peruvian resturant where I had grilled chicken with green beans and carrots with corn on the side. I also had a small side salad as a starter. I didn't eat all of it but I ate a good portion. this is the same friend whos version of 'confronting' me about my 'issues' was telling me that I looked sick but if I wanted to talk she'd listen. ha ha god. then to make it worse she insisted on taking me to Starbucks (& ordering for me) a drink with AT LEAST 500c. so the whole way home I was calculating how much I would have to run to burn off today's failures. lets just say I'm going to be running for awhile. 

i didnt have to work today so that means i have no desire to leave my house. let alone get out of bed. I'm just tired. I feel that I’m heading toward that vacant space in my mind I desperately try to keep sealed.
for breakfast I had a cup of coffee and 1/2 an apple.
my pre workout meal was another cup of coffee and oatmeal with 1 tb peanut butter, cinnamon, a few almonds and the other half of my apple. i think once i get to the gym i will feel better although im going to have to actually be sociable with my co workers. in addition to not wanting to go anywhere i dont want to talk to anyone.

being told I look tired has to be one of the worst statements ever. aside from being called fat. my life is in the shitter. I am in the midst of an emotional tornado. too many emotions. too much to say.  no one to say it too. my best friend tried to kill herself Saturday. and man that has really been fucking with me. the guilt and anger are slowly eating me alive. aside from that there has been my usual emotional turmoil. I met a boy. we went on our second date yesterday. he's sweet. kind of an asshole but sweet. he asked me why I don't eat. got. what a great second date topic. I just brushed it off. like always. while we're on the topic of food- let's talk about how a guy I work with called me "meaty". what does that even mean.. well it meant that I had to take a 10 min break to bawl my eyes out in my car. as if I don't feel shitty enough about my body lets add comments from the opposite sex. man. fuck. I don't know.  I'm a mess. a complete fucking disaster. but I play it off so well. I'm so good I almost scare myself. 

sunday

i woke up this morning annoyed. with family, with my reflection, with my life. I'm having coffee for breakfast and plan on staying in my room for a majority of the day. i dont really want to interact with anyone today. i dont want to end up being a bitch like i usually am. i hate that my mood is so up and down. everyday its something different. something that either sets me off or send me into a pile a of tears. i feel as if i ramble about this everyday. on another note i want to lose 3.5lbs this week. i want to hit my first october goal. i'm going to the grocery at some point this week. ill post my list once i finish making it. i always have this love/hate relationship with the grocery store. i have talked about this numerous times on here but im going to reiterate. i love looking at all the different foods, smelling all the different smells, and seeing what other people buy. but at the same time i hate it because going there gives me such anxiety. its like sensory overload and i try to get fear foods and expand my food repertoire.. then i just end up putting it all back and sticking to my safe foods. its hard. i remember when eggs used to be a fear for me. i would not touch them. and i hated how they smelled. it took me a good year to finally be able to eat eggs. well, egg whites. i still cant eat the yolk. but i believe that every step is progress. well- until later

xx